SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m having a panic attack.

I was looking at our joint account statement and I found an &85 charge on a grown up friend locator site from a weekend I was away for a baby shower.

This either explains EVERYTHING bc it’s been going on for years and was the gut feeling I knew I wasn’t crazy for having OR it’s revenge. Or he just doesn’t care.

I am so overwhelmed right now with feelings but mostly I’m naucious.

I’m not ready to confront him. I need to digest but I don’t even know where to start.

Take a screenshot of the charge.

Don't reveal your sources. Tell him you know. He will deny. Tell him you KNOW. You don't have to prove it to him. He knows. You know.

It might be a good idea to not confront. Start digging. If you confront,he will start deleting before you really find out what's going on.

This isn't porn. There's plenty of free porn on the internet. This is a hook up site.

I'm sorry.

Is it weird that part of me is relieved that all this time I wasn’t crazy?

Or maybe it’s madhatting.

Oh my gosh.

This could be why he’s been rug sweeping since day 1.

That’s good advice to investigate.

Mostly right now I need to get out of this house and talk this out.

Always trust your gut.

The relief is normal.

You need to pretend things are ok. Don't confront. Gather more evidence. Otherwise you will be told it's "just porn." Then he will delete,and take it further underground.

In the meantime, check his car,and look for a burner phone. Or a phone charger that doesn't look familiar. Check his phone. Put a var in his car. And wait. And,I hate to say it, but you need to be tested for STDs.

Thank you hellfire.

So... I signed up for an account in the site to see what that gave me access to and to see what all the site has. You were right. Def a hook up site.

I called my bank and they have charges that go all the way back to April 2017. International charges too which I don’t understand what that means. He’s spent At least $1000 it looks like.

I contacted the support line for the site and they confirmed there are 7 account names that are connected with our joint account. And multiple mailing addresses. I don’t know what that means either but we have lived in 4 different states together.

What I do know is that it’s time to separate. I’m going to try my hardest to be normal and hope to get through the holidays for the kids.

Although the charges I can see are all post d day... my gut tells me that this whole computer world of sex has been going on with him for years and years. Hell we were in counseling about his use and lies involving porn our first year of marriage.

I took my rings off (again) today. Likely he won’t/wouldn’t have noticed anyhow.

I’m looking up rentals in our area and hopeful to put a deposit on one soon for the new year.

Foenix, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I wish I had something to say to help. I am always here to be a sounding board and for support. Hugs.

Thank you barre girl. I had to break down and take one of my anxiety pill that I have saved for ‘oh shit just got real’ moments. Likely I’ll have to tonight too.

I’m not mad. I’m just anxious of what’s to come. The hurt the kids are going to feel. Wondering if moving out really is what’s best for them or if I should just fake it for forever to spare them and just not be intimate with him. We are really good friends. I enjoy my time with him but I never want to be sexual with him again.

BW here...

I found this exact type of info, which set in motion the discovery. I am so very, very sorry.

My biggest mistakes during the confrontation were:

Confronting too soon

Allowing my emotions to get the better of me

Revealing my sources

Take screen shots of everything you find, even if the info isn't strong evidence. You want to be able to build your own timeline before you confront.

I am no fan of these adult sites, and if there's one thing I have learned on this journey it is: if they engage in this type of behavior, the behavior escalates until they do have sex with strangers and/or escorts and prostitutes.

And you're right, this is probably why he's wanting to rugsweep.

Again, I am so sorry.

[This message edited by DesertLily at 4:40 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

Porn Addiction

I’m having such a hard time not saying anything to him. The next 3 weeks are going to be so hard to just pretend all is well. I don’t know if I can do it.

I am sorry you are going through it.

Do you need to confront him?

What good will it do? If you are intent on separating, then it doesn't sound like you are interested in trying to reconcile.

Have you seen a lawyer yet. Before you sign for a new place to live, I would make sure you double check your intentions with a lawyer.

As for the rest, the 180 and trying do practice some mindful techniques should help keep your mind from straying all the time. Meditate every 20 minutes if you have to. Try to be focused on your kids..all that sort of stuff.

If you think sex addiction is at play, you should check out the "I can relate thread" for spouses of SAs. A ton of information and support is there.

[This message edited by secondtime at 11:01 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

I am sorry to hear this, Foenix. I know this is something you suspected in your heart of hearts since you first came here. But, now you have some confirmation that you weren't imagining things. I suspect that's a small solace in a sea of pain at this point. I will say a prayer for you and your girls. You have put everything in place that needed to happen over the last year, so I am certain that you have a lot of options and will choose what is best for you and the kids.

Hi Foenix,

This is sad. You've been working hard and it's not been wasted. I hate porn I think it's bad for people but many think it's fine. How many will escalate into infidelity......You know there was a brilliant thinker giving a lecture recently on the modern world and he put porn up there with substance abuse, poverty, wage slavery, denial of healthcare as causes of human misery and breakdowns of relationships.

Betrayal always hurts and we are here for you. Pretty foenix, you know what you need to do so trust yourself.

Dessert Lily- thank you for sharing your expertise. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I am waiting to confront him. I’ve set up a viewing to go and check out a place Wednesday. Tomorrow I’m going to talk to my therapist and try to develop a plan to follow for when I tell him I’m leaving.

Second time- I don’t need to confront him You are right. But part of me wishes that if I tell him I’m leaving, he’ll say he will leave and I can stay in the house. Maybe I’m dreaming. Either way it’s a gamble I’m not sure I should consider. Thank you for the suggestion. On checking out porn addiction section. I have lurked in there but it’s been a while and now that I have concrete evidence, I should go back.

Thank you hiking it out . You have been so kind with your advice and wisdom since I came here. It means a lot. I would love to go have a coffee with you and chat. I think we could be good friends. I do think I find some comfort in my findings. It’s almost like now I can go saying I tried my best. And I did. Regardless, infidelity carries a lot with it. No matter what, most people know that I cheated so I have ruined my reputation. I will forever worry that my kids will blame me for this fail. It is what it is. I have to move forward and when the time comes one day, I’ll take responsibility for my part and hope their dad does too.

Thank you pure Herat kit. Your words also comfort me. I feel fortunate to have a community like this to lean on.

Ugh! I ended up telling him tonight. He said I was acting weird. Wouldn’t let it go. He’s denied everything. Even called their number in front of me. He said 80/mth was for the membership and he registered for us as a couple when he was thinking of a threesome. He swears he told me about it but I honestly don’t remember him saying he’d signed on for a monthly renta hook up sitel. Besides, the site says $31.99/mth, and $21.99/mth for 3 moths, not the $85 that shows up on my statement. I’m going to my therapist tomorrow. I’m so mad I said anything. I HAVE NO POKER FACE! Damn it.

I was never able to hold anything either. He’s gaslighting you. It’s okay...you know what you know. You don’t need him to confirm it.

Foenix-

Separation needs to be done after visiting a lawyer.

In my state, the person that leaves the marital home is considered abandoning the home, which doesn't look good in the eyes of the law.

I know you are in a highly emotionally charged situation right now. It sucks.

But, you need to proceed based on facts. Not emotions. You don't want any course of action to come to bite you in the butt later on, because you made decisions made on emotions vs.facts.

UODATE:

Hey everyone. Hope the holiday season is finding you all well. I am really glad to have this next week off so I can take a breathe and relax with my kids and enjoy them. I am so glad that I went back to work. It has made such a difference for me. I’m reflecting on who I was pre DDay more and more and I can see how certain actions of my own played a crucial part that lead up to the A. One of them really was putting everyone else’s needs before own. Putting myself on the back burner. Eventually that got old but I continued to do it. It was much choice. I should have been vocal about what I needed help with rather than play the-not-so- secretly-resentful-martyr. Working has made BS step up at home and it’s given me something of my own so now when I have these days to play with my kids, I actually really, really want to.

I’ve been crazy busy juggling work and the kids and for the most part it has been a good busy BUT the teaching job I took this year is not what I had hoped it would be. It’s a small private school for behaviorally challenged kids that require a lot of physical and emotional demands from the staff. This past month I was verbally raped by students, injured my foot during a restraint. Have bruises on my arms from an attack and got a fat lip and bloody nose most recently. The kids are so broken and I truly love them and understand that they are where they are bc of their disability. I love them even in their fits of rage bc I’ve seen what they’re like when they aren’t outrageous. . The issue is that how the behaviors are handled by admin that I do not agree with so I started interviewing in public schools and accepted another position. This starts next month and I’m looking forward to having a union to back me up and a pension and the health insurance rocks. So... career wise I’ve had a small hiccup but am thinking I’ll come out in the other side.

With all the work drama, I’ve been so exhausted when I get him that I have no fight left in me. With the phone records from last month and after the confrontation, I have decided to chalk it up to another thing in my gut that says otherwise but that I really don’t have definitive proof of. He literally had a defense for every piece of evidence that left me unsure I was so right. That said, it’s still day to day. Some days are better than others. We’ve been intimate but I don’t feel a connection still. Should I? Is it there or it’s not? Is this part of the ‘new’ marriage?

My therapist suggests thinking about transferring what I’m feeling to my son, imagining he was an adult and going through all that I am. She asked ‘what would you tell him to do if it was him?’ I said without hesitation that I’d tell him to leave. My homework is to really think about that. Meanwhile, my kids seem really happy and I’m not miserable nor at a place where I can move out considering I’m starting a new job.

Anyhow, that’s my update. Still very much one day at a time... one foot in/one foot out... not connecting with BS but not miserable either... definitely better off than I was this time last year. I still think about AP everyday and have resolved that it may not have been real love, I really enjoyed the escape into that fantasy. And that’s the part that I miss, not AP. I think missing that makes me so very much still wayward. Everyday is new chance to learn and make wrongs, right.

Big love and light everyone.

Hi FR,

Thanks for posting your update. You sound like a pretty brave one.

I'm with you on this.

I still think about AP everyday.

It's fucked up wayward thinking but I get it. I don't ask for whatever wants to show up in my head and feel like a craving in my body. It just happens. Don't know why. AP was a step down. I'm typing this as I'm watching a TV show that the underlying conclusion is that we're all full of both good and evil. The truly virtuous person doesn't exist. That said....I think my W is pretty perfectly virtuous. I'm sure not.

Happy New Year to you. I hope your 2019 is a good one.

Wow. I missed the original post, as I've been taking time away from SI.

I cannot imagine what you are going through. It sounds like you have everything together, but it man, what a rough few months.

I completely understand the escape mentality. Sometimes it's easier than facing our reality and current situation at home.

Keep up with the IC and bettering yourself and your career. You will never regret that.