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I’m not suicidal I just dont want to live. Yesterday I was crying because BH was yet again upset with me. It seems like as long as I don’t say too many negative things he’s fine. We coexist, coparent, share bills but life has lost its meaning. I’ve single handedly destroyed BH, done significant damage to our kids, I’m never going to be normal. I don’t have friends or family. I have a job but it doesn’t pay enough to support myself. I have early stage kidney disease and think I’ll just go all in and do more damage as fast as possible. This is how my dad died. He was in so much pain and now I get it. He did a lot of damage to other people too.

Hi Root, I am so sorry you feel like this. Please take care of yourself. If you can't come up with another reason for now, then for your kids. If you are around you always have a chance to help your kids understand that the stuff that happened wasn't their fault.

I don't have the life stressors you have and still a few months ago I was wondering when I would finally get any kind of zest for life, hope, excitement, etc back again. When I was really down I felt best when I was doing kind things for BH. It was a really bad time and I'll be happy if I never experience that again. Oprah's Super Soulful podcast kind of helped, sometimes.

I hope you find something that helps. I have figured my stuff out and can tell you, life seems pretty wonderful again, albeit messy. I hope you can get there too.

Root, you sound so much right now like my fwwife does on her bad days.

I don't know about your particular situation exactly with your BH, but speaking for myself as a BH, I seriously need my wife around to help me heal among so many other things, not the least of which is the fact that I love her and always have.

Perhaps that sounds really selfish of me to put it like that but the truth of the matter is that only she can understand the depths of our present situation and our respective and combined histories.

And after 26 years of marriage she knows me and my needs better than anyone else would.

I have been very aggressive in processing the infidelity issue and all of our different Dynamics that have needed to be addressed and improved as well as my own healing and hers to a degree as well. that is to say I've been aggressive ever since I pulled the rug up and really got to work.

they say one of the best things to cure somebody or to inoculate somebody is a weakened strand of the original bug. You and my wife are so much more than just an original bug, but the principle of making an antidote out of the thing that caused the problem to begin with is seemingly fitting in my own mind at least. For some reason it helps me to hear it from her in a way that it could not from anybody else except perhaps my own Maker.

And for me personally to see her grow and change and to learn empathy and real love and for both of us to be maturing together in the way that we are now is something very special even though I hate how it came to pass.

Although I must admit I certainly have my bad days too. I just wonder where your BH is at in terms of his healing and diligence to work on himself and get through all of this.

I am sorry you are hurting Root.

I am asking this in the kindest of ways...where are things with your medicine? I know we get overwhelmed, and unhappy. But, have they been adjusted lately? Could some of it be chemical? Life is hard enough without the extra chemical issues, I am wondering if that is piling on also during a rough time? The reason I say that by this statement:

It seems like as long as I don’t say too many negative things he’s fine.

It sounds like maybe you are being more negative again lately? I know with a lot of conditions like yours that the meds have to be adjusted a lot, and then you get one that is working and then it becomes less effective out of no where it seems. Just make sure that it's not that.

You were feeling good about going back to work, are you liking it? Or do you think this is contributing to your emptiness feelings?

You say you are not suicidal but it sounds like you want to damage your kidneys more to speed things up. Please at least see your physician with this.

And if you just needed to vent, I get that too but your words concern me.

Root - I too felt like I'd never get that spark for life back. I'm from the midwest, and like a country song, lost my wife, my house, my car, my kids, my dogs, and my grill. (hopefully that made you chuckle...no I haven't lost all of them, but this divorce is moving at snail's pace)

It will get better. You will find your spark. You are enough. Pain is temporary. Death is forever.

It is always darkest before the dawn. Your dawn is coming.

((Root))

Sure death would be a relief but only for you. While you're at peace and completely unaware, your children and your BH too won't be feeling any of that relief you speak of. You are turning back to selfishness and self destruction. Its been a long 6 years for you, I don't doubt you need some relief. Maybe you should back up a little, you went from moving out to the extreme of death. Perhaps it's your BPD talking, but I would encourage you to challenge those thoughts. Speak to them Root. Acknowledge those thoughts and talk them down, in a loving and forgiving way. Weed through them and find your real truth.

I also want to say that you aren't alone in thinking this way about death. I have been there many times and I wouldn't consider myself suicidal. Just fantasy, like using that good ol' escape mechanism. We can't live there though. I can relate to self destruction as well. I never recognized it for what it was until I began to work on myself and I am so much better at seeing it coming a hundred miles away. I can now intervene before I walk that path. You've spent a lot of time getting your meds right, and I'm not saying its not important but I wonder how much time you've spent on healing and change. I know there's no cure for BPD but I don't believe for one second that medicating yourself is all you can do. Have you sought therapy specific to BPD? How much time have you spent addressing it and not just medicating it? Nothing will change if you don't love yourself enough to seek every option available. You have to help yourself Root.

No matter what you did to your BH you are still loved as a person by your BH. No BH wants there WW to not live. You need to take some time to find your self and when you do you can move forward. I would recommend a counselor for you and you alone to help you find that path. When you do then you can deal with repairing your relationship with your family.

A great post from foreverlabeled that is pretty much what I would have said. Hang in there, Root.

No Root, don't trash your kidneys.

If anything, you need more nutritional support to feel better. Get away from processed food and eat as much fresh fruits and veggies as you can. No cola drinks, nothing with phosphate preservatives. Get into the sunlight to up your vit. D. Get some fish oil and vit. B12.

Who says you have to go down in pain and shame?

Keep trying every day. Create some opportunities for yourself. Find places you feel appreciated. You have time left yet. Time to do a great many good things. Your past is not a prison and Life is worth living.

Find something to love in your life. Find a worthy goal. I remember my aunt. She had a view of herself that she was a nobody from nowhere with a miserable past. Who would want to have a friend like that? She moved to Texas and got involved helping at the senior center. She joined some other groups. She was busy trying to help others.

Her life was different. She laughed, she got out and saw things. But most of all she gave her new spirit to others. The past didn't matter so much anymore. When she left us, a whole community room filled with people told me the good she did. They were so glad she was on the earth and came to their town in Texas. She loved Texas and was always grateful for the people who reached out to her when she arrived, lonely and sad.

Please seek some joy for yourself root. At least give it a try before you decide to quit. Nothing to lose. Decide everyday to do one thing for yourself and two things for others. Something that brings joy, not laundry or errands. ((((((Root))))))

If you can't come up with another reason for now, then for your kids. If you are around you always have a chance to help your kids understand that the stuff that happened wasn't their fault.

I'm a mentally ill mother. I've done so much damage. I'm more likely to be reminded of things I do wrong. Kids = more pain.

And after 26 years of marriage she knows me and my needs better than anyone else would.

I'm BPD aka a monster so BH has been walking on eggshells for so long that I doubt he'll ever let me in. Not knowing whats going on even minor details like who he's talking to = PAIN.

I am asking this in the kindest of ways...where are things with your medicine?

The mood stabilizer works well. The anti anxiety med works great but I was using it for work not home. I think I need to switch that. Lately I'm having more anxiety at home than at work.

You were feeling good about going back to work, are you liking it? Or do you think this is contributing to your emptiness feelings

I'm the manager of a small dysfunctional office. It's like being a middle school teacher in the inner city. Most days I like it and other days I cry on the way home. Today was a crying day. My boss is out today so I went home sick. Just couldn't do it while I'm having these want to die thoughts.

Just fantasy, like using that good ol' escape mechanism. We can't live there though. I can relate to self destruction as well. I wonder how much time you've spent on healing and change.

I've been in and out of therapy for 20 years. I was misdiagnosed with PTSD and depression. I'm actually bipolar and BPD. I now know I couldn't fix anything without meds. I knew what to do I just couldn't do it. Make sense?

So BH's latest complaint about me. He wants to be able to leave and me be okay with it. I can change the behavior but I can't change the underlying feeling. I have to work just to not act out.

Since d-day I've been hit with this list of things that I'm doing wrong that I didn't even know I was doing wrong. 6 years and yeah it's tough. I'm so very tired. I want to self destruct because it gives relief. What else do I do?

[This message edited by Root at 12:32 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]

If you are running a endless marathon, with no ending in site, of course death will seem like a relief.

I can not give advice on some of your issues, but I would like to comment on getting thru the grind.

I run long distance for recreation and exercise. some days I run in the morning when the air is fresh and the world is amazing. Some days we run in the cold rain. Some days I run at high noon in the desert, where every second is pain. Each run is different, however they always end in a warm shower and a feeling of accomplishment.

If you believe your life will be a endless slog, then your thought process will be why bother to live it. You think your H will never forgive you and your children are damaged forever. You have this huge list of all the things you have done wrong. When you add them together, the task seems insurmountable. But are they really? Or is that just what YOU feel.

Instead of looking at this endless marathon, think of it as a series of long distance runs that have a ending and a feeling of accomplishment.

Take another look at that list. Some items on the list are correct, some are his projection and some are just innacurate. Focus on the items that you can acknowledge. Treat each as a run with a finish line. Take some time between runs to relax, feel your strength grow and enjoy the accomplishment.

Break things down to what is manageable. Focus on those things first. Your children are not forever damaged and because your A was an EA, neither is your husband. Your mental issues can be managed with medication. You do not take a whole bottle of pills at one time, you take them as prescribed. Treat your life and future happiness the same way. If you try to handle everything at once, you will inevitably fail.

Always think there is a better tomorrow. There is always a rainbow if you are willing to see it.

We have both been thru the darkness in the past. We were married last summer and the world suddenly changed.

Strength and Honor

Oh, Root, I am so sorry of the many, many burdens you have. And how you seems to see your deficiencies everywhere.

I don't know if this helps, but my father and I had a massive falling out when I was 13. We never made up, and he died quickly and unexpectedly when I was 17 (heart attack). With him gone, there is no chance that I can call now, 30 years later, to say "did you really mean it?" No chance for him to say he's proud of me. No good memories. I filled in all the blanks with bad stuff. It's very hard to get over. So even if you are thinking what you are doing for your kids is not good for them, or damaging, there is always a chance to make it up, to give them another happy memory, to tell them it's not their fault, to explain what was really going on.

I hope you got some support in this thread that helps. I'm rooting for you and hope it feels better.

Root,

I've had the I want to give up days. Welcoming or wanting death is in a sense giving. up. You do not have the strength to go on. But you do have the strength, your comments, posts have helped others.

this is a down day, or down week, and things will get better.

When i feel like giving up, this reminds that I gave up on our marriage and had an affair to escape. no, I do not want to give up again. Never give up!

I've been in and out of therapy for 20 years.

You asked "what else can I do?" When is the last time you've seen a therapist? Maybe it's time for once a week IC. You are allowing these negative thoughts and feelings happen to you with what seems like very little resistance on your part. Like you are just giving in. You require a combination of meds and therapy, lifelong therapy. It's a crappy hand you've been dealt in life no doubt but you do have the power within you to change what you can. You have it in you to be proactive and manage your illness, and I encourage you to do more about it because there's a lot room between what you are currently doing and your potential.

So BH's latest complaint about me. He wants to be able to leave and me be okay with it. I can change the behavior but I can't change the underlying feeling. I have to work just to not act out.

I've read that DBT is the most effective approach but I also understand that it's not a one and done thing. I imagine that being in and out of therapy for so long you've had your fair share of DBT therapy. Which should include (I've done my research for you ) emotion regulation, where are your skills being put to use here? And what about CBT? Can you effectively put the things you've learned there into use? Are you at a point that you even try? And Root I ask that sincerely.

So sorry that you are struggling. When I think about death, I think about the legacy that I will be leaving. Is it one of destruction or is it one on where I tried my best to better myself so that I could love and care for the people around be properly with my faults and all. Sometimes we feel trapped in our circumstances but one small act of change on a continual basis can add up to big things. I know that you are trying. And that you want to try... it just seems so hard and hopeless right now. One day at a time. You can break the cycle of negativity... even with a "broken brain". Please take care of yourself, hydrate, eat well, sweat a little and stretch. You will find that when you are able to do some self care for yourself, you can then share those feelings with others in a positive way. Your kids love you simply because you are their mother. Don't give up. Forgiveness is always available but it takes work. Rooting for you.

I couldn't pass by without adding a note of support. I know you feel like you're working with broken equipment and that your brain's not working. Sone of that is chemical, but part of it does lay within your control.

You matter. You're important. You are valued. Please value yourself too. I say this often to my self-critical daughter who struggles with her bipolar mental health issues. Much of her struggle is with her own self-image and self-esteem. She is dealing with that, although it is hard for her. I see you in a similar struggle.

All my best.

Root,

Do you have anyone besides us to confide in?

Do you have a church family?

My wife and I both find a lot of comfort through the support of our church.

I'm in a class of about 37 or so men that have faced every obstacle under the sun. We pray for each other and lift each other up. We hold each other accountable when necessary.

My wife is in a class called "Freedom". She has the same kind of support I have. The class is about being free from your past.

Our motto is "You don't have to do life alone!". Please reach out to others for help.

(((Root)))

I often feel the same way. When I look at tomorrow, all I see is pain, more pain. And fear. Kids becoming teenagers. Me all alone. No one ever wanting me.

All I can do is focus on this minute. Going thru this hour, and then the next. Reminding myself that I don’t have a crystal ball. That I really don’t know what will happen. The last 2 years have been, hands down, the worst in my life. But, there has to be a light eventually. I just have to go through the next minute or the next hour. That is all.

I never really knew my dad. He was never there for me. Not once. And yet, when he died, couple of years back, it was awful. It is still awful. All these wounds and no chance to understand. Trying to heal all on my own.

Don’t believe for a second that your kids will be better off without you. Or that you are not normal. Or that you don’t matter - just look at the responses here. Just bc we don’t know each other IRL, we know you here. You have friends here.

Hand in there. You matter to your kids. You matter to your H. Just focus on the next right thing, the next step. The next hour. This is pretty much all any of us can do.

Sending you hugs, Root.