I thought it would be interesting to post a topic on our worst of days and some of our best of days since we've progressed through this trauma. I always like to read those articles and such where the person sort of transitions through the months after infidelity and shares their progress. I'd love to hear fellow BS's progress and what they did and what they learned in the time we've been healing.
I'll start:
At my worst: D-day up until around maybe 5 months after...
I cycled through all the stages. The shock and denial first, then the complete numbness and rage. I caught my wife having an affair with a known 'friend'. I wanted to deny it, I wanted her to tell me it wasn't what it seemed...but deep down I knew. My denial was a false sense of self preservation. Because in those moments I knew, that if she was in fact doing what i thought she was doing, what i caught her doing, then my world would shatter. The pain would be brutal, because I never once expected her to do this. And what she ultimately revealed was worse than anything I ever thought her capable of...
I kicked my wife out the day i found out. I changed the locks, took my portion of the money from our accounts, and threw her stuff in the dumpster until she came for the rest of it after being with her AP. I tried everything I could do to catch myself. I had never felt what I was feeling ever in my life. It was the most painful thing. I ate nothing for weeks, lost SOOO much weight. The rage hit quickly. I found myself having dreams about beating both of them into the concrete and watching their faces bleed. I would sit outside of AP's house waiting for her to come out so that i could beat her. I was obsessed with this idea. I wouldn't let it go.
Then one day it happened, I saw her in public at a restaurant and blacked out and beat her. She was mortified. I beat my wife the very next day. It took everything i had in me not to become my wife's abuser after that. I had to fight every ounce within me not to hit her when i would see her.
The triggers during this time were crippling, they would play like intrusive movies in my mind. Every single one of them hurt my chest and sent pain oozing throughout my body. I hated them. I couldn't eat because of them. I couldn't sleep. There was one day I wondered if i was actually awake and driving to work...I couldn't tell if i was asleep or awake. Life was a blur. At times I would see people standing next to me that weren't there. In public i would think people were watching me, or someone was plotting to get me. It was horrible. I remember saying; "Whatever lesson I have to learn from this, I don't want it. Please. This is horrible, this hurts too much. I'll stay in my ignorance, I just want my life back." I've never been one to shy away from a good life lesson, but this one broke me down in ways i never imagined.
The feelings of worthlessness made their way. I shattered our engagement party wine glasses on the wall and cut my leg open with them. 5 long stabs, each one deeper than the last. I felt not good enough. I felt ugly and useless. Again, after this it took everything in me not to continue cutting myself when i felt this way. I found myself drinking up to two bottles of wine almost daily and smoked cigarettes intermittently. I began dating to seek a revenge affair. Ultimately i didn't have one.
IC saved me from these moments. Reading saved me from these moments too. I must have read every single infidelity article online i could find. I read infidelity books and self help books. Wrote in my journal, and tried to make sense of my life. It took a lot of strength in me to see that I truly had to show up for myself more than ever. I had to love myself through this. It was hard.
I remember the first day in IC when my IC asked me why i was in this relationship, I responded: "I thought that if I kept trying, and I kept compromising, and I kept fighting, then maybe I could make it work."
Her response; "Did you hear yourself just now? I I I I I?" sigh. That moment resonated with me. I knew that relationship drained me to no end, but i never could figure out why.
Anyway, these were some of the worst of days.
Now? (11 months out)
Now I know that I was extremely codependent. That in this experience and trauma it triggered inner FOO issues within me that sent me to an emotional cliff. My wife and I leaned on one another for a sense of security, and structure, something we had never had before. I was her care-taker as I now know I've always been to many people in my life, and she was lost and broken. She was familiar to me, a familiar type of brokenness. She was my mother, she was my father, she was my brother, all wrapped into one. She rejected me and emotionally avoided like my mother. She lied to me and ultimately cheated and was very selfish like my father. And she depended on me to take care of her, and guide her, protect her and encourage her through life like my brother. I thought this was love, because it's all I knew love to be.
I no longer do any of the above things I described. My days still have occasional triggers, but not nearly as bad as those first few months. I can go out with my friends and at times I even find myself forgetting what I'm going through when with them. I go to boxing now three times a week, I never used to workout before. I'm practicing eating healthy prepped meals at home, and I continue to read and write. I can go days without crying, and days without anger. The rage no longer consumes me, I no longer obsess over the AP in any way and actually told her i forgive her. Not in a way where I care for her at all, I would still love to beat her again if i saw her (i won't because i'm not that angry anymore, but i would love to) I came to the conclusion that she's a miserable broken human and she ruins her own life enough for the both of us. She breaks herself more than I ever could. She's sad. Her life is sad.
I no longer feel not good enough. I know I'm going to be okay, I know when I completely heal from this, I will come out a better and stronger person than ever before. I see people now if that makes sense? I see their unhealthy attachments, and can spot neediness, or emotional avoidance. I no longer confuse neediness for love. I see people now because I see myself. I'm confident that I have and will continue to surround myself with healthy people due to my new found life glasses.
I had to cut a lot of people off throughout this journey, the thought of cutting people off used to crush me. Now I only want healthy people around me and see that it's ok to let the unhealthy people go. I love the changes I've made so far. Including all of my own FOO issues having been resolved. I feel empowered. I love that I have me. That no one else holds my power anymore but me. There will be no more days where I bend to others demands so they will "love me". And dare I say that this lesson is something I actually treasure dearly from this awful experience. I'm grateful beyond words for this lesson, because in this lesson I am healed. Healed from childhood, and soon to be healed from this. I have ME like I never did before. I love that I get to live my upcoming years with my own self-love. I no longer abandon myself. And I never will again.
So what about you? What's your worst? And your progress?
[This message edited by maise at 5:27 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]
