SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dday #1 was end of March where EA was revealed. We trickled all the way up until the mass devastation that D-day #2 brought just last week. It was revealed that this was a very frequent PA and there were love words thrown around (he claims he just said it back to continue A) and he brought her into my home and she slept in my bed overnight when I was out of town. We also had a false R starting on Dday1, that only stopped (i think) once I put screen time restrictions on his phone on May 5. She confirms this but she also has lied through her teeth to cover for him so that basically means nothing. We are not R at this time. I’m a mess. He claims he’s coming out of the fog and has given me full access to everything and put life 360 on his phone. He’s planning on mailing NC letter today. Has sought help for his porn addiction, has IC scheduled, is listening to the affair audiobooks i bought during false R. Also massive shift in his energy and demeanor - especially noticeable around the kids. He was always angry and impatient with them. I watched him closely this weekend and that old anger and unhappiness is gone.

So I have 2 questions really... Is it possible he is really out of the fog? He claims yes. He’s sorry and owning it all (he owned it during false R too). But feels legit, although many time during false R felt legit too.

And question 2: my family lives out of state and i am considering flying myself and my 4 little ones (11, 6, 4, 2) next weekend. I’m not sure i can handle traveling with all of them alone when I can’t even make it to the grocery store at this point, but I need support and to be around ppl that love me. I also am terrified that if I leave he may be tempted to bring her here again. And even if I change the locks (I’m considering it), I feel like the distance will cause me to go insane with paranoia.

What do you all think?

Question 1 - is he out of the fog? Hell no. DDay was last week. He's in "I'll say whatever I have to so she'll back off and let me the hell alone" mode.

Question 2 - Should you go alone with 4 little ones - only you can answer that one. And you do what you have to do for yourself and your babies. BUT the question you aren't asking is "Will he get with AP once I and the kids are out of town". Who the bleep knows. I can assure you - you being out of town will certainly make it easier if he's going to get with her or anyone else. But if he's going to do it - he's going to do it no matter where you and the kids are.

You should do whatever you need to do for your own mental health and well being. If that means seeking the support of family, then do that.

A few things - I don’t believe in “the fog.” He knew what he was doing. He still knows what he’s doing. His selfishness and what he wanted was his priority - regardless of the devastation it caused you. So time to put yourself first.

Will he cheat while you’re out of town? Maybe. But he cheated while you were sleeping in the bed you shared with him, so...

You can’t control him and what he chooses to do. You can only control you and your decisions going forward.

Can you afford a PI?

That would be the perfect time to hire one. While the cat's away the mice do play. You could see if he was serious or not. And if you consider it a dealbreaker then you'd know.

Considering he had the affair and fake R while you were around, if you go to visit family it's not really going to affect his decision to cheat again or not. He might, he might white knuckle it or he may behave himself. That is up to him.

Maybe put a VAR in the bedroom or motion detection camera (without his knowledge) pointed at the doors to see if he brings her home. But that is a pretty sad yet may be necessary to do...

Take care of yourself and your kids first - what he is going to do , he is going to do.

He knows exactly what he's doing. Fog has little to do with it.

Not addressing any of the infidelity, but I can't imagine traveling alone with all those kids in a good state of mind (and I have 4, too), not to mention the cost. Can someone from your family come to you? That way, you can leave the kids with him while you g out with your family for whatever you need.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, and with four young kids!! You are getting good advice. But might I suggest keeping everything on one thread? It will be easier for those reading to keep your situation and timeline in mind and in order, and you will get better advice accordingly.

The suggestion to have a family member (or several) come to see you seems like a good idea to me if you can make that work. Otherwise it seems that a lot will depend on how your 11 year old can help you with the younger ones.

Best to you!

If you do leave the state have him sign something agreeing. You don’t want to be accused of taking them.

It took me a very long time to realize that it didn't matter if I followed by BS to our vacation cabin supposed retirement home or not, he was going to find a way to meet up with his willing AP.

Point? You can travel with your brood or you can follow, either way a cheater will find a way to cheat.

It was the most enlightening experience I have ever had.

When I became suspicious my H was cheating I decided I would go every where he went. Whether it was near one of his many or not, he would be distracted. He could be texting/sexting ( I'm so naiive I never thought of sexting) he would sometimes be distracted. Hell, even our 20 Wedding anniversary to a different country for celebration he found a way to stay in contact.

My point? It does NOT matter. Cheaters find a way to hook up or be in some sort of contact, if they want.

It will never matter.

This is my opinion, my experience.

Wishing you the very best.