SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have my theories as to why I think my WH has not actually admitted he is in an A. I don’t think he’s ready to end it. Once he admits it, he will have to make a choice and I do think deep down under that fog he knows it’s wrong (buckle up buddy, once I talk to a lawyer it’s on)

I am curious as to if your WS’s denied the affair at first, what was their reason?

I think it's pretty common for WSs to avoid confronting their behavior. Once I confronted her with partial evidence of something fishy, my XWW plead guilty to only enough malfeasance to explain the partial evidence I had.

Over and over, we read stories here about WSs confessing to the least crime that explains the evidence. That's why I ended up doing some deep dive into her recently abandoned phone to determine the affair was fully sexual and fully romantic. Armed with this evidence, i re-confronted her by asking a whole bunch of questions. Some I knew would reveal what i knew to be lies, some were just smoke screen questions.

I then told her I knew for a fact she was lying, that she had to confess and tell everything or that I would kick her out of the house.

She asked what I knew, I told her, "Nope, you fooled me once that way and if I tell what I know to be true, you'll just lie again. Tell me the whole truth or I'll know you're still lying and I'll kick you out of my fucking house."

She spilled everything. Well, almost. She swore they didn't do oral, but of course, every pleasure center had been fully exploited.

By keeping it a lie, they can convince themselves it's not super awful. When they hear themselves speak the truth, it sounds as tawdry and animalistic as it truly was.

I think in their minds as long as they don't voice what they are doing, it is not wrong. I liken it to children who fib to try and not get in trouble with their parents. WS are acting out like toddlers while the BS are being adults and calling them out on their shit.

Mine denied it up until the point where I started reading text messages & emails between the two - and when I told him that his daughter was the one who told me about her. He thought our daughter was not paying attention - she is as nosy as her mother (me) so yeah, she was watching!

Then he couldn't tell me why - just gave me a stupid excuse that I wanted him to go out and make friends. FRIENDS Stupid, not fuck buddies!

They won’t admit it for so many reasons.

Shame and embarrassment are one.

Not wanting to give up the Affair partner is another. Admitting there is an Affair will make it stop and they do not want to stop the Affair.

Another could Be they refuse to turn onto the “I will tell the truth” path b/c they have been on the denial path with such conviction and drama the cheater is still trying to save face and not look like a moron. Despite the fact the BS knows about the Affair the cheater continues on the same path over and over again.

These are just a few theories. I liken the affair as an addiction. It explains so many things IMO

My fch reluctantly admitted to an EA based on the evidence I had only after a lot of pushing from me. I made him read an article about EAs. He couldn't really deny that part after reading the article.

He refused to admit to a PA for about 6 months. In the beginning, I think he was trying to protect the MOW. Then, he was trying to protect himself. He was afraid I would leave if I knew everything. Plus, it could've damaged his career if I reported him to his superiors. After a while, he didn't want to admit that he lied, so he dug in his heels.

I eventually got a full confession the night before his poly. I still went through with the poly. The polygrapher (Is that a word?) said my H was obviously terrified of me. He even took my umbrella away so I wouldn't bash my H over the head with it.

Other than not wanting to give up the affair or ruin his reputation, many don’t admit because they don’t want to give uontheir lifestyle. Share custody with kids, strained finances, splitting up the families.

Mine wouldn’t admit it because he was (is) a cake eating asshole. I mean... he was cheating on me. Lying to cover it up wasn’t a huge deviation from his character.

Mine denied, even in the face of evidence to the contrary. He had ready excuses for the evidence and stuck to his stories. Oh, and proceeded to call me crazy.

Having learned that he would not admit the truth, I played the waiting/detective game until I knew he was at last OW's house. When he was pulling out of her garage (hiding the car in there), I pulled in behind him and blocked him in. He had the deer in the headlights look because I finally busted him red-handed. There was no denying it from that point.

But that's what it took for the truth to finally "officially" come out. Otherwise, he would have taken it to his grave.

I was prosecutor in a major urban city for 28 years. Wrong doers NEVER admit more than they believe is already known or will be inevitably discovered.

If you have a WS who admits to the A upfront, terminates all contact with the AP, demonstrates remorse and is willing to go to CC, I believe there is an excellent chance that the detrimental effects of the A can be overcome and that R can lead to a new and improved marriage. The odds don't seem as good for those who engage in trickle truth or who continue to secretly have contact with the AP.