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How do you define hysterical bonding compared to your 'normal'sex life. How did you know HB had ended and your normal started.

Quite simply, I didn’t want to leave our bedroom. I wanted to physically be with him constantly. I knew it was hysterical bonding and even said it to him, but he was in complete denial. It lasted a good 6 months and then things started to go back to normal. “Normal” being not having sex three to four times a day (sometimes more), not having sex ten minutes before I needed to be somewhere, not having sex because I was completely exhausted, not having sex that made me late for work. I think you get the picture. I literally feel like I became a sex addict during that time. It was the only thing that made me feel good.

DeservesBetter70 sums it up quite well. I was there for over 6 months as well, until we realized how potentially harmful it was to use sex to self-medicate the emotional rollercoaster we both were riding.

Our sex life today is good, better than before DDAY1 ( our M was barely surviving on life support). But clearly NOT in the desperate crazy way it was during our hysterical bonding months.

DeservesBetter70 sums it all up

I was like a porn star fantasy. Every where and all the time. And it still wasn't enough.

TMI example:

I once called WH on the way home from work and said "I just hit a speed bump - be ready when I get home - if I can wait that long"

My HB wasn't as extreme as others. I had no idea.

For me, it was wanting to and having sex despite my feelings of hurt and betrayal. We did have sex a lot more often than normal. I don't remember how long it lasted.

Thanks for the reply.

Our sex life is like before the lead up to affair so I was trying to work out if it was us or hysterical bonding. I was worried we may be creating more damage.

It was about six months the for me also. I wanted see all day everyday. As soon as we were done I wanted it again. If we Didn’t have to work I probably would have been all over him all the time.

I didn’t know what it was at first and it upset me that I would have mine movies and still feel so much longing for him. I actually started to think that I was being turned on by the thought of him with someone else. Then I found out about hb and it made me feel so much better and I just went with it. It was amazing sex and I needed that. He was a happy recipient. I explained it to him once I knew so he didn’t have the idea I was turned on by it or that w wry thing was okay and I wasn’t upset anymore.

I'm currently separated, have been since just after DDay and can honestly say I'm relieved there's been no HB.

The rain is I'm just so conflicted, when I found out about the cheating I did my usual and went into research mode but instead of staying in safe sites like SI where I browsed for a long time before joining I also read a lot on cheating forums, both cheaters and APs. There were discussions about HB, cheaters saying how they could only go through with it by thinking of their AP. Posts by APs who's affairs had gone underground saying the cheater had told them the same.

It's left me very conflicted, I still haven't made a decision about R and reading those posts has made me doubt the legitimacy of his feelings when it comes to intimacy. Oh not the sex, but the feelings attached to it. Will he really be with me? I just don't know.

Cant quote from my phone BUT

Ouch!

before joining I also read a lot on cheating forums, both cheaters and APs. There were discussions about HB, cheaters saying how they could only go through with it by thinking of their AP. Posts by APs who's affairs had gone underground saying the cheater had told them the same.

If I had read them I dont think i would have moved to be closer to WH (my contract was over at that office had new office lined up before A started)

As much as i have access to everything and he spends all possible time with kids and i including lunch together every day i worry i am missing signs he has gone underground. So much self doubt and that is why I question our sex life and I analyse all his facial expressions. Plus I have raging pregnancy hormones to make the ride more extreme.

before joining I also read a lot on cheating forums, both cheaters and APs. There were discussions about HB, cheaters saying how they could only go through with it by thinking of their AP. Posts by APs who's affairs had gone underground saying the cheater had told them the same.

This factoid both enrages and saddens me. I also feel elements of embarrassment and shame try to sneak in after reading that. I'm keeping them at bay by telling myself that it is a damn good thing then that I made it ALL ABOUT ME.

The thing is I've never been sure how much of that is posturing, you know showing off to the other idiots who think cheating is some kind of badge of honor and this is just another way to make them look big. But I've read a few things here on Wayward Forum, questions about how to stop thinking about AP during sex or comments about having sex with BS after DDay even though they don't feel any connection that make me wonder, hence my conflict.

So I think Chaos has it right, if you do have HB, make it all about you!

The operative word in the phrase is "hysterical," commonly defined as: "deriving from or affected by uncontrolled extreme emotion." It's not the same as 'normal' sex. Some people are affected more than others.

...I also read a lot on cheating forums, both cheaters and APs. There were discussions about HB, cheaters saying how they could only go through with it by thinking of their AP. Posts by APs who's affairs had gone underground saying the cheater had told them the same.

I've never seen comments like these before, but I'm not too surprised. Sickened, but not surprised.

I experienced HB for the first two months or so. My FWW's constant blame-shifting killed it. Apparently, rage and HB don't mix.

I think the most important part of HB is to listen to what those "uncontrolled extreme emotion[s]" are telling you.

I think the most important part of HB is to listen to what those "uncontrolled extreme emotion[s]" are telling you.

For example?

HB isn't just about sex. Think of all the people who try the "pick me dance," for example, or try to "nice them back." I think HB also contributes to BSs blaming themselves.

What does this intense 'need' to bond with someone who just blew-up your life say to you? Or about you? What are these emotions telling you about yourself, as a BS and as a human being?

In other words, questioning the nature of HB is a part of the recovery process.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:25 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

I just wanted to add that I didn't put so much stock on the AP claims. After all they were coming from people who's MPs were taking the affair underground after a DDay, what was the married person going to say, hey I'm having great sex with my BS. No my problem was with the cheater and like I said I've seen a few threads on SI add to my conflict.

I was not trying suggest every wayward thinks the same way, I'm sure there are those who are glad to reconnect to their partner through HB. It's just an avenue that's been taken from me because of what I read.

Unhinged, I completely get what you are saying. I do not think that a lot of BS want to question their feelings or motives. HB feels like winning in that moment because you have the WS, with you and wanting you. Some who post here look back and see it as distracting them from the problem at hand and they believe HB was harmful. Some who post look back and feel regret when they find their WS was still cheating. Some look back and say it was great, but they almost always have reconciliations that worked.

I feel very torn because each marriage is different, but I do wonder how you can find out your WS just betrayed you in the most heinous way and want them uncontrollably? We call cheating a form of abuse here on SI (it is), so why would you uncontrollably desire your abuser? What would Lundy Bancroft, the premier abuse researcher, say about HB? I do wonder if we should spend more time dissecting the health and functionality of HB. How can you know you want to be with someone until you know if you want to be with someone? How is it different from the Pick Me dance? A lot of times HB happens without protection! And with unremorseful spouses! I just think as a community we should be taking a long, hard look at the truth of this phenomenon--even if we uncover some unflattering truths about ourselves.

I hysterically bonded the stuffing out of my WW near daily for months after DDay.

The good news is as I took what I wanted, we found out she likes that.

The frequency has reduced now (13 months after Dday) but the intensity remains.

It is particularly "intense" when I get an untimely mind movie and I make sure he never tapped it like I do.

After discovering my WWs A, it took me months before I would even have half of a conversation with her. It took me over a year to finally have sex with her!

She tried to initiate HB many times early on. I was not interested. It felt like I was excusing her behavior, that somehow that was me confirming that it was ok. I didn't want to vulnerable with her. I didn't want her to give me what I perceived to belong to the OM now. I was afraid that my "performance" wouldn't compete with his... she assured me that he was nothing special. But after awhile, it just felt really good to reject her. I gotta be honest, that was more of a high than the sex every could have been. I realize now that's not an unhealthy attitude, 2.5 years out from Dday. But at the time, that's absolutely how I felt. Hearing her cry after I refused to touch her because she had sex with another man... that was music to my ears!

In hindsight, I should've tried to go with HB. Maybe our R would've been easier. Maybe our sex life wouldn't be so bland now. If nothing else, I'd have gotten to have a lot of sex with a beautiful woman... which really is not a band thing no matter how you slice it.

So to all of you, I say HB it up! Don't become a hard ass like I did.

Fender-

In hindsight, I should've tried to go with HB. Maybe our R would've been easier. Maybe our sex life wouldn't be so bland now. If nothing else, I'd have gotten to have a lot of sex with a beautiful woman... which really is not a band thing no matter how you slice it.

So to all of you, I say HB it up! Don't become a hard ass like I did.

I agree with this. Enjoy it. Use your WS to make yourself feel better. Bang away! Have fun! Try new things....they will most likely be up for it.

However, don't let the HB get in the way of your healing and the other things you need. Still pursue the truth, do not go easy on them. The time is now to get the answers you need.

My HB went on for nearly a year and I think I let it hinder my discovery. Now I'm 15 months out from final Dday and I don't have the same vigor to get the information that could help me heal completely.

Oh my I'm so envious of some of you… We had some HB maybe for a month, while traveling and being outdoors, I got some sciatica, after that it fizzled out. Now, 12 years after his affair, I can't remember last time we had sex I would say enjoy while it lasts if you like it.