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Newest Member: youtookawaymyfriend

New Beginnings :
The unknowable future

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 IfYouCanDream (original poster member #49689) posted at 5:38 PM on Thursday, July 11th, 2019

[This message edited by IfYouCanDream at 9:30 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

"May the rage of women through the centuries center you as you go into this."
DDay1 Oct 2011
DDay2 Jul 2015
Divorced Dec 2016

posts: 410   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015
id 8404532
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deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 3:38 AM on Friday, July 12th, 2019

(((Ifyoucandream)))

This is a crappy piece we deal with after being cheated on. It's ok to second guess and not trust. That could save you down the road. You may find that eventually someone worth trusting and knows why you feel this way will EARN your trust and it may become easier to grant little bits of trust as you go. I still second guess, but my guy knows why I'm this way and what happened to me. I'm straightup about that. Be straight up and you'll find some people get it and try to make sure not to break your trust.

Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.

posts: 3352   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 8404820
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 4:15 AM on Friday, July 12th, 2019

IYCD, are you in IC? I still go once or twice a month. I am still processing traumas from my marriage, and post DDay, and post filing. Traumas similar to yours which I have either never mentioned here or not gone into detail about. Suffice it to say, our traumas are similar and I completely understand how you feel. I could NOT have gotten to where I am without IC. I also read many books and listened to dozens of podcasts on narcissism and other personality disorders. I literally had to reprogram my brain.

It will take time. Even with all that work I did on my own, it has still taken me almost 4 years to get where I am today. And I still have work to do.

I'm dating a wonderful man, but I am still not ready to be emotionally vulnerable with him. It's been just under 3 months, so still very new. But I do feel a softening of my heart, or at least the walls around it.

What you are feeling is normal. You've been through hell. You were abused in every way possible (like me) by the person you trusted the most. That's a big f***ing deal. But you can heal. And you can have fulfilling relationships. IC, IC, IC. With a good therapist.

Hugs to you. Don't let his abuse destroy you. You take care of you. No one else will.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:16 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4526   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8404831
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 11:39 PM on Friday, July 12th, 2019

Ifyoucandream,

What you're feeling is totally normal. "Once bitten, twice shy". Don't feel bad about it, or think you cannot overcome this. It takes time, but your heart will soften at some point. Just like everything else in life, you'll have to learn not to loop everyone in together. Not all people are cheaters, although it seems like there are many of them out there. There are good folks around. Maybe don't start dating, but rather start your relationships as friends first, that way you can feel them out before getting intimate with.

The hardest thing for me and still has the most effect is missing my kids. I miss them when they're not around, and its truly the saddest part. I'm learning to enjoy that personal time when they're not around, but for me, the being away from the children really is the hardest part. I'll never get these valuable yrs back.

posts: 1426   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8405223
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