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Had my first meeting with a lawyer a couple of days ago and I feel like I'm going to get railroaded. I make double what STBXWS does and have generally been told to expect the following:

- You will have to fight VERY hard for 50/50 custody

- You will probably pay alimony, even if you're below the 10 year cutoff of the state's presumption of alimony

- You will probably pay full child support rates, even if you do get 50/50 split

- You will lose most of your 401K, pension, savings account

- You will probably end up taking on a share of her credit card debt and student loans

I obviously left this meeting very depressed.

[This message edited by unsure84 at 7:52 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

Yes. Being the primary breadwinner blows.

I've got no more to add other than that.

Get a second opinion, that doesn't sound right.

I don't know what state or country you live in, but I'm an attorney, and in my state you're not responsible for any debt of hers incurred prior to marriage, so if student loans pre-date the marriage those would be hers. As far as your retirement accounts, you'll have to split the present value of whatever amount was created during the marriage. You'll have to pay alimony, yes, but in my state the laws were changed so that the term cannot exceed 50% of the duration of the marriage.

Assets accumulated during the marriage get split 50/50, as do debts generally. You'll have to pay something in child support even with 50/50 custody, simply because you make more than her, but that is generally set by statute based on your respective incomes and parenting time.

And in my state, 50/50 is becoming the default arrangement, best interests of the child being the governing principle. It is typically in the best interests of the children that they have equal time with both parents.

Id interview 3 attorneys and look over their reviews online. Not all of them are the same or good.

A couple of other things,

First, I rushed this so the errors are mine. I don't want to give lawyers a bad name due to my sloppy writing/grammar.

Second, 401k's are split with what's called a QDRO, a court order filed with the holding institution that will direct them to pay the benefits to each party accordingly when they become due.

Third, none of this matters if you have decided to divorce. Don't wait. You will only do worse if you wait. Filing the divorce sets the date by which everything gets evaluated. If you wait and accumulate more, she gets more.

Finally, alimony and sometimes child support are affected if she marries or even shacks up with someone else. If you word the settlement agreement properly, alimony stops when she lives with another man.

I'd listen to justastatistic and seek a second opinion on your situation.

50/50 custody is presumed to be in the best interest of the child in almost every jurisdiction in 2019. Obviously, it's rebuttable, but the only thing that really can hurt a parent that is fit, willing, and able is a crazy work schedule and/or living in a different school district. The truth is most of the time when mom gets primary custody is because dad doesn't want joint custody.

"According to DivorcePeers, the majority of child custody cases are not decided by the courts.

In 51 percent of custody cases, both parents agreed -- on their own -- that mom become the custodial parent.

In 29 percent of custody cases, the decision was made without any third party involvement.

In 11 percent of custody cases, the decision for mom to have custody was made during mediation.

In 5 percent of custody cases, the issue was resolved after a custody evaluation.

Only 4 percent of custody cases went to trial and of that 4 percent, only 1.5 percent completed custody litigation.

In other words, 91 percent of child custody after divorce is decided with no interference from the family court system."

In re: alimony, the fact that she is young and underemployed is also something that works in your favor (remember it cannot exceed 50% in most jurisdictions--that's a ceiling not a floor). Also, justastatistic is correct that the date of the filing is the date in which value of property is evaluated and that cohabitation with another partner can cut off alimony, but remarrying will always serve to end it.

I agree with the others. That attorney seems to be setting the bar very low. In most states, CS is calculated based on costs and income of both parties.

Also, if you talk to other attorneys, ask them what options you have to minimize your obligations for CS and alimony.

Is your WW willing to negotiate before trial? My XWW waived alimony and we were able to agree on CS, which was in line with state guidelines. Perhaps she is willing to consider these options.

Unless you are a screwup parent, you shouldn't have any trouble receiving 50/50 custody. That is pretty standard.

We hear this time after time. Adulterers should not get cash and prizes on top of their toxic betrayal.

I believe this is a case study for how the term “divorce rape” emerged.

The laws regarding divorce in most of the country are unjust laws, which disproportionately punish faithful spouses. In most cases, this tends to punish betrayed husbands more often than betrayed wives.

Based on what is now emerging from more recent studies, adultery is rampant across the U.S., and women are achieving “parity” with men in betraying their spouses.

It is time for divorce laws to be reformed to create some kind of penalty for adultery — whether shouldering legal fees, reducing alimony, splitting assets more equitably to the betrayed spouse or a combination of these. Of course, these reforms won’t likely happen because any lawmaker who introduces them as proposals will be lambasted as a misogynist.

Id interview 3 attorneys and look over their reviews online. Not all of them are the same or good.

Agreed! I'm not sure where you are located but that doesn't sound right at all for most places. It's a little strange to prepare you to pay out alimony when your STBXWW works and you don't meet the 10 year mark. Does she have a history of working more? Is going full time in her future? Judges will make decisions based on what a spouse could be making too.

Your situation sounds very much like my WHs previous divorce, however he was successfully able to fight giving her any alimony and also any access to his pension and 401K. He also did not take on any debt she had accumulated. He did have to pay child support as if she had full custody and cover insurance for the kids. He also had to give up the house he paid for. In addition, it cost him extra to fight it, but it can be done. She can now never come after his pension, 401K, or fight for alimony.

There are also different ways to pay alimony, such as putting a limit on the number of years.

Sounds like your attorney is already willing to favor your WW. I would consult with another attorney before accepting this as done. One that will actually fight for you.

Yes, please get a few more opinions. What you heard seems far from normal. Is it possible the attorney was giving you the worst case scenario?

I would get a second opinion...Find lawyers who fight for the betrayed sole/ main breadwinners..

With that said, what you wrote sounds par for the course except the alimony...Alimony in my state is only awarded in ten year/ longer duration marriages unless somebody physically cannot work for some reason..

Our jurisdiction almost always awards 50/50 custody..

WW being awarded 50% of your pension, savings, assets accrued during the marriage sounds about right..Same with splitting the debt each partner has created during the marriage..

Always better for the two of you to come to your own agreement about division of assets/ custody if possible...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:25 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

I talked to her last night and asked her what she wanted and what an ideal co-parenting setup looked like. It's far off from what a lawyer expected me to "get" and I'm thinking we can get this done without getting laywers involved.

Here's what I got from her:

- I want 50/50 custody because you're an awesome father and I think we'll co-parent well

- I don't want any of your 401K or pension

- I don't want child support or alimony

- I don't want the house

- I'm sorry because I'm the one who did this to us and you deserve better

wow.

We didn't discuss debts or anything, but given the vibe I'm getting from her we'll probably take our respective student loans, car loans and credit cards with us. I have more debt than her but our debt levels are proportional to what we earn.

I'm kind of amazed at how well that went. I hope we can continue to be civil and fair.

Sounds like your STBXWW is going to be fair on this. Hopefully she maintains that, as it will make the process much easier for you both.

I would suggest that you try to write up your understanding and make a proposal for her to review as quickly you as you can.

In my state (MD), CS cannot be waived, but alimony can. And once that is settled, she can't go back for it later.

The sooner you can have something agreed, the better, before a friend or new BF starts telling her how she "deserves" alimony and she changes her mind.

Have you actually filed for D yet? As others have said, it is most likely in your best interest to start that process, even if you file the paperwork yourself to start.

If that's what she's offering...Strike while the iron (and guilt) is hot!

Sounds like your STBXWW is going to be fair on this. Hopefully she maintains that, as it will make the process much easier for you both.

I would suggest that you try to write up your understanding and make a proposal for her to review as quickly you as you can.

In my state (MD), CS cannot be waived, but alimony can. And once that is settled, she can't go back for it later.

The sooner you can have something agreed, the better, before a friend or new BF starts telling her how she "deserves" alimony and she changes her mind.

Have you actually filed for D yet? As others have said, it is most likely in your best interest to start that process, even if you file the paperwork yourself to start.

We haven't yet. I was going to give her the paperwork this weekend and file it at some point next week.

I'm in agreement - going to strike while the iron is hot and things are amicable before a friend or family member poisons the well.

I still planned on giving her at least half of everything (likely more, because I make more and will recover quickly) and the majority of the household goods. I also told her that there is ZERO chance I will not be giving her child support - it's my responsibility as a father and I'll have it taken out of my checks.

some lawyer is going to try to talk her out of this.

Get a better lawyer. One that is a shark. I do wish you well.

I think if both parties agree to everything you can use the same lawyer. Before some lawyer talks her out of all this. Ask the lawyer if we agree to everything can we just use one lawyer? Ask her if she be willing to do this.

I think if both parties agree to everything you can use the same lawyer.

HUGELY bad idea, and here's why.

An attorney works for one person. Therefore, unless you are the individual hiring and using the attorney for "both" of you, the attorney cannot, by law, advise the other party on anything but the law. For example, the attorney could explain in detail the tax advantages to multiple scenarios to their client in detail. They can only tell the non-client that alimony is taxable and child support is not. I think one attorney muddies the waters a lot.

I think if you want to go this way, hire a mediator (who cannot represent either of you) and have them write the agreement and work with you to address everything that needs to be in it. I would also hire my OWN attorney to look over everything prior to agreeing to anything.

I agree that striking while the iron is hot and the guilt is high is very important. Once someone not so friendly to being equitable shows up, this could all blow up big time.

Cat