SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out my husband has been lying.

It been 2 weeks now. So the hurt is still unbearable.

I was getting calls from a cell phone and no one use to speak on the other end of the call and when I called the number back"no answer"

Only to fine out it was the women my husband was having an affair with.

We have been married 6 years

The thing is I felt him pulling away and we use to argue alot the last 3 months.

But didnt expect anything. He use to kiss me by in the morning before work and say I love u my wife

And kiss me when he got back from work.

How everything came out is when I finally got thru to the number that was calling me. She finally told me and sent me messages that they had exchanged with each other. Where he said alot.

When I confronted him he said he gonna tell me everything, but even now I question weather he has told me all.

He said she is bitter cause he broke things off after he realized what he was doing. The think is he use to tell me he working late or going to the car wash. Or he chilling with his friends all the while he was with her.

So he says he is sorry and that he loves me and it was the devil that was attacking us and trying to destroy our marriage.

I want to forgive him

I love him so

But he has lost my trust

He has deactivated his Facebook cause thats where everything originated.

I want to believe him but its so hard.

I cry in the shower

I cry in bed

We have 2 kids, I dont want them to know wats going on they still young.

I need help or advice please.

Welcome to SI, the home of the greatest group of people that you never wanted to meet.

Also, some folks might come to your thread and tell you that you must do this or that. You don't have to, you do you (with helpful advice). You know those folks that call out at the theater, "Don't go up those stairs!" or "Don't go down in the basement!"? Well, some here are doing that, they're hurt and trying to tell you to do what they thought that they should have done. An SI motto is, "Take what you need and leave the rest." Do _that_.

You're riding The Emotional Rollercoaster, where your emotions change on a dime and whip you right and left. Keep your hands, feet, and head inside the car at all times. It will get better. It can take a while, no fooling, but it _does_ get better.

The reason that you're feeling like this is that he's broken your "personal narrative," which is our internal story of how we got where we are in life, our basic beliefs, etc. Your narrative was, "I'm married. My husband loves me. He wouldn't cheat on me." He broke that trust.

By lying to you and cheating on you he also took your "personal agency", which is the ability to make fully informed decisions about your life. _He_ was making the decisions, and he didn't include you.

Do not accept the following from him:

Blameshifting - where he might try to blame you or the marriage for his cheating. That's frankly bullshit. You were in the same marriage and you did not cheat.

Rugsweeping - "Baby, if we just forget all this and put it behind us then everything will be better." It won't. Things swept under the rug grow big fangs and sharp claws and come out all mad and stuff years later. Rugswept things fester and grow and foster resentment.

Minimizing - "This was a mistake!" It wasn't a mistake. A mistake is when I picked up chocolate milk at the store instead of whole milk. An A(ffair) is a series of _choices_. Each decision to talk to his A(ffair)P(artner) was a _choice_. A choice that you were not part of.

On this site, in the upper left, is a link to The Healing Library. Under there is a BS FAQ. Item #11 is "The 180." The 180 is a tool for you to help detach from the madness. You should use it.

He created this mess and he has an awful lot of work ahead of him to 1) feel remorse at what he's done, and 2) fix his entitled mentality. You see, he could have come to you and said, "We need M(arriage)C(ounseling)." Or he could have said, "We need to D(ivorce).", or any number of things. He didn't do any of that, however, he _chose_ to cheat. He needs help, an I(ndividual)C(ounselor) to help him figure out his "Why-s".

If he tries, "Baby, you ignored me!" your answer, if you give one, should be "Why does that make it ok for you to lie and cheat?" If he tries, "I was angry", same answer. His Why-s are likely rooted deep in his FOO (Family Of Origin) issues. it takes IC to help dig into that.

Don't make the mistake of MC before IC, because MC assumes that _both_ of you are being truthful and willing to work on the M, and right now he isn't being truthful.

Be aware of the difference between Regret and Remorse. Regret is crying (crocodile tears) because he's sorry he got caught. Remorse is empathy, knowing how badly he hurt you and feeling terrible for _you_.

Others will be along shortly and offer you more help. You might keep your replies in this thread for a while, though you certainly don't have to. Keeping things here for a bit helps SI folks find your story in your first post and then jump to the end of the thread to see where you are right now. It also makes it easier for you to find your most recent Q's and A's.

Nice to meet you, sorry that you had to find us, and a fist-bump, sister in adversity. }{

Hello Magic, I am so sorry you are in such pain. Others will come along with very good advice. We all know how you feel. Devastated. Go to the upper left hand corner and open The Healing Library. Start reading there. Take care of yourself right now and your children. Make sure you drink and try to eat small frequent meals. Do not make any decisions right now. Your husband has alot of work to do if he wants to show you he is a safe partner.

Another thing to avoid:

Rewriting Marital History - He says, "I've been unhappy for years." Bullshit, look at pictures or remember times _before_ he started cheating when he was smiling.

Cheaters have to feel good about themselves and cheating is bad. So, they "rewrite" the marital history so that you were terrible, or they were unhappy, or some other load of crap that "justifies", to them, the cheating.

So sorry that you had to find your way here but so glad you were able to. Breathe and breathe deep! You are going through quite possibly the most traumatic thing you will ever feel. You are being attacked emotionally and physiologically, what you feel is horrible but 100% normal. It may not seem like it right now but it will get easier to deal with. When you feel it welling up inside of you just breathe as deep as you can and let it out really slow. Binge read as much info on here as you can and filter through the angry stuff.

Thanks

I haven't spoken to family and friends about what I'm going thru, I feel ashamed and humiliated.

All family and friends see him as a good husband and father. Somedays like today I feel like throwing the towel in. Some days I feel like I want to make things work. My emotions are all iver the place.

Then I think about if people know, and if they talking about it behind my back. Also the other women also sent me videos of them together.

When I try talk to him about her. He says lets try move forward from this and that he loves me and only me. Tge thing is how do I believe him when he says that cause he has said it before.

How long does it take for my heart to heal.

As im writing my kids are playing with granny and laughin while im in the toilet. I wish I had thier innocense.

Magicry: I am new to the community, and can not offer any advice, because I am on that emotional roller coaster. I know how you feel. Thank you for sharing your story. Although , I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone it’s good to know that I’m not alone. Thanks again!

Magicry: I am new to the community, and can not offer any advice, because I am on that emotional roller coaster. I know how you feel. Thank you for sharing your story. Although , I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone it’s good to know that I’m not alone. Thanks again!

So many people get hurt by the ones that suppose to love us. I just can't understand why.

I need answers and he not willing to tell me. He not hurting like me. I want him to hurt the way im hurting.

I almost wanted to go out and do the same thing. Go have an affair aswell.

But I know if I do, it will just make me worse than him. I just dont know wat to do at this point. The hurt is so strong.

He wabts to just go back to how things were. I dont thing that ever gonna happen. I ask myself should I just get out now. I know not everyone is the same. But they do say once a cheater always a cheater.

Magicry,

Sorry to see you here. First off, this is not your fault. Second, as others will certainly tell you, he is not sorry he did it. He is sorry he got caught.

Take a breath for yourself and figure out what YOU want. Decisions are no longer his to be made. Before you decide which direction you want to take, speak to a lawyer and find out where you would stand if you divorced. Speak to a counselor for yourself. Not a marriage counselor.

I understand the not wanting to tell your kids. I was in the same position when I found out. We have still not told the kids what happened, but should we D somewhere down the road, you can bet they will find out.

Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Do not gloss over this or he will do it again.

I just want to be happy. Im tired of crying.

I have joined a fitness class.

Im trying to find myself again.

I am financially dependant on him, but not totally. I have a part time job.

I feel like I need my idependance. When he is around me we are fine. When he is out of sight thats when all the emotions start hurling down of what he did.

When he around me he acts so nice rubs my back. Makes me coffee, rubs my feet.

I dont know if it is legit, or is he just so devious, that he knows what to do, so ypu dont have to talk about our situation.

I know he is the one to blame and not the other women, cause he was chatting her up with lots of lies.

My fear is that maybe he did have true feelings for her.

Im gonna drive myself mad, cause when we sitting together and maybe watching a movie, I look over at him and wonder if he thinking about or missing her ........crying

Ok first thing, what are you doing for yourself?

One of the first things I tell a BS to do is make sure they eat healthy, exercise, drink H20 (no alcohol is best cause it is a depressant) see your doctor for STDs and if you feel you need medicinal help for a short period (or long term) get it, try to get enough sleep and find a hobby - something you don't normally do that will help you keep your mind occupied. I did puzzles and learned to knit. I still suck at knitting FWIW. It kept my mind and hands busy - and helped me to not focus on how my life felt like it was out of my control.

You have had a huge, hard smack in the face that the happy life you thought you had was in fact a farce to some extent. Your thoughts are on how you missed it, how could he do this, how could he lie to you while claiming he loved you. Am I right? It is a difficult thing to accept that your Prince charming is not perfect. The good news is that he seems to want to repair the damage he did.

Order the book how to help your spouse recover (I think that is the name). He will need to do the heavy lifting to repair your relationship and trust. Ask for a timeline, were you able to read the text/message exchanges? Do you have 100 % transparency to his social media's, emails, texts and google locations? Has the OW's spouse been told? That is something that helped me gain control - once folks know about the A, it tends to go away (affairs are like cockroaches, it hates the spotlight). Did your WH send a No Contact email/text?

One thing that helped me is that I was able to recover a lot of the texts and messages they exchanged so I knew most of what happened or pieced it together on my own before I confronted him. I also talked to the OW quite a few times too -

When you are feeling down or spiraling, text him - have him call you. Or come here and let us bolster you until you feel stronger.

Remember, he screwed up so he has to do the heavy lifting to repair things. If you are upset - let him see it. If you are angry - let him know. Don't hide your feelings - consider doing IC and MC.

You seem to feel that there is some magic pill to take to feel better. Unfortunately there is not, although we will ALL advise you NOT to take the "rug-sweeping" pill, ever.

But DO get this book: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald and read it yourself first. Mark it up and really digest it yourself. Then give it to him with a short timeline to finish (it is short). Then talk about what he will DO (not say) to help you heal and to become a safe partner for you.

Hello Magicry. I am sorry to hear you are in pain. I am new to SI and everyone here has been so helpful and kind. I hope the support and advice that everyone here can provide can help you through this. I wish you well.

Magicry, yes the hurt is unbearable. Initially my H wasn’t opening up much, but I prayed and asked God for help. The book that was recommended about helping your spouse heal is excellent advice. That gave my H a better understanding of how to help and he has been trying. It still hurts! I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time and pray that God gives me peace of mind. I pray that you find your peace.

I’m sorry you are suffering. I remember those days well.

You will survive this. We all do. But it takes time and patience and commitment and sometimes even prayers lol.

I think part of the reason you are having difficulty is your husband’s avoidance if the topic. That approach will never work. He cannot avoid the discussions. It will not help you heal.

His doing “nice” things is not enough. He should know that. It shocks me the cheater hardly ever gets the book HOW TO HELP YOUR SPOUSE HEAL but the Betrayed reads it and then tells the cheater to read it.

Sit down with him. Calmly tell him what you need. What kind of discussion you hope to have. How you need x y and z from him to start Reconciliation and your healing.

Maybe that could work better. Set a date and time. Tell him it’s not an argument but a discussion to help your marriage.

And maybe you needed your own counselor to help support you right now.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:45 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

Its 5.55a.m

Was waiting for my alarm to go off. Husband turned in bed to hold me. Tried to talk, he told me why i want to talk about it now,and he turned over. Then jumped out of bed and wentvto the toilet.

I got up and came down to prepare lunches.

He says we can talk later.

He keeps avoiding the topic.

He says he chose me and thinks that makes me feel better.

So I start tearing up again, tgen he comes and hold me tight and says his sorry and wishes he can go back and mske it so it never happen.

But that still does not make me feel better. He denies been sexual with her, but I have seen pics of them laying together.

That means he is still lying.

Should I walk out and never look back.

I feel like im never gonna heal......crying

Hi MC,

So sorry to read of your plight.

As all have said, this isn’t your fault; accept no fault. This is all on him.

Your emotions are naturally all over the place. This is because of the betrayal. He was your rock or foundation, yet he has betrayed you in the worst possible way. He has proven that he is human and has faults.

One day at a time, as you don’t feel safe, get him to make out a plan to make you feel safe again.

Please make no long term relationship decisions for a minimal three to six months.

A revenge affair is never the answer. Just closes any chance of R.

Gym, reading, walking the dog, talking your problems over with the family pet, as they never give bad advice.

Drink plenty of water, you and the children have to be #1 now. Eat well etc.

Cyber hugs

One day at a time.

You are beautiful, and are loved.

Good luck

Hi Buffer

Thanks for your kind words

In my mind I know its not my fault. But that question still remains. Is it something I did.

Hoping it does get better one day at a time.

The morning are the worst, its like hoe do I go back to everyday routines when I feel so lost.

When will.it ever get better

Hi Buffer

Thanks for your kind words

In my mind I know its not my fault. But that question still remains. Is it something I did.

Hoping it does get better one day at a time.

The morning are the worst, its like hoe do I go back to everyday routines when I feel so lost.

When will.it ever get better