SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello lovely, I just want to echo what many have said. I found out 3 weeks ago. It is a MASSIVE shock. I have flipped flopped from wanting him, wanting out. Loving him, hating him. I cry A LOT.

This is the hardest experience of my life since the death of my dad, 20 yrs ago. If you feel like this is the worst thing ever, it is. You are not over reacting.

You are allowed to have boundaries, you have EVERY RIGHT to deal with this in the way that works for YOU. Do read the healing library articles. Try 'Quickstart' by Poodlepapa and 'before you say reconcile, recover' Also the 'Lifeboat' is good for you to see what your WS needs to actually be doing to help you.

See your GP, if you are UK based ring the surgery for an appointment and cry, tell them WHY you need an appointment! They are confidential and it got me in that day! x Get good help, eat, do something for you and hang in there. NONE of this is your fault.

You get to pick what happens next, do you want to give him a chance? If you do, make sure you deal with this in a way that keeps your dignity and self value intact. HE is to blame for the A, HE must own his actions and begin to clean up his mess, Starting by doing WHATEVER you ask/need.

I am trying to take my own advice as it is so easy to self blame and hope it will all get better if you pretend it's not happened. Good luck, and remember, whatever you do, you deserve the best life. x

Thanks for the advice. I also cry alot

I have good days and I have bad day.

I guess knowing that I am not alone helps.

This world is so wrong that its like a normal thing when guys cheat.

Will not make any harsh decision now. Will try heal first before I decide what to do.

I do have small kids but this is about me.

If I can't trust him I will have to leave.

So far his been by my side ever since I found out. He says he wishes he can turn back time, so this never ever happen. But is he talking about his actions of infidelity or is he really talking about he wishes that I never find out ?

It may get better when he chooses to have an honest truthful discussion with you.

And not avoid it like he has been doing.

Magicry, I'm so sad for you! You seem like such a kind and wonderful soul! The pain eases in time. But it does take time. Lots of time.

Have you considered doing the 180? Go to The Healing Library, it's the yellow box in the upper left hand side of this page. This is where you will find information on this. The 180 is to help you establish some space and boundries so that it will help you to calm your emotions down. Currently, you are on an emotional rollercoaster. It's when you experience extreme emotional highs and lows. This is normal. You have been traumatized by this news and your WH behavior. This is probably going to be the worse pain you will experience in your life. It is real! And this is because of what your WH did. He hurt you deeply by his actions. His behaviors were his choice!

I hope you reach out to someone who you can trust IRL (In real life), whether it is a family member, or a friend and especially an IC (Individual counselor). I feel you need others to lean on right now and it's okay! You did nothing to deserve this.

Have you thought about asking your doctor to prescribe you an antidepressant? I was against doing this for the first couple year's and after having continuous meltdowns, I was finally open to the idea. It helped me to calm down so that I could think more clearly. It truly was a lifesaver for me. Others also may suggest sleeping pills but you have young children so this may not be a good idea.

I feel so sad for you! I've been through infidelity also and I can tell you that it sucks! I still have setbacks because of what my WH did to and against me and our marriage. Today, I am stronger though and I actually like who I am because it opened my eyes and I no longer offer blind trust to my WH. He now has to earn and keep my trust on a daily basis. And now my WH is happy to show me that he loves me and is faithful and wants the best for me.

If your WH wants to win you back, he needs to start opening up and become completely honest with you. No more rugsweeping the pain he caused you. Honesty is the beginning of healing for you. And as long as he doesn't give you honesty, you will not heal.

I'm so sorry that you found yourself here but this is a great place to be for support, guidance and advice.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 2:21 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

Hi Hurtmyheart

Thanks for your kind words. I still cant bring myself to tell anyone what I am going thru in my real life. I still feel ashamed, im not ready to be the discussion amongst my peers. Im my mind I know its not my fault.

I feel good some days

I try not to think too much about the lies.

This morning when WH was leaving for work he says while giving me a hug that he loves me and that im the best thing that happened in his life.

How I wish I could believe that. But now to me everything that comes out his mouth feels like a lie. How do I know if he really sincere.

And if im honest here the only thing that really makes me feel better is SEX. I have been intimate with him on a daily basis but told him that it is just SEX, so hoping that that don't make him think that things are better between us.

I have read the 180, and trying to put it to practice

My fear is that maybe he did have true feelings for her.

I just wanted to reply to this particular section because I didn't see anyone say it yet; but, while he could have had true feelings for her, it's not at all a "given" that he had true feelings for her.

Betrayed wives often assume "he must have loved her", because they think about what their motivations would be for an affair. That is often an inaccurate assumption, while I've not had an A, I know plenty of men who have, and almost never is "love" what they are after in the affair.

And betrayed husbands (me, in particular) of do the same thing, assume "he must have been great in bed or a sex god" because, speaking personally, I lay what would motivate me to have an affair onto my W. And this is equally incorrect in most cases.

His motivations for the affair are almost certainly not the same motivations that you'd be looking for in an affair. So, yes, he could have been deeply in love with her, just like my W could have slept with "God's gift to women" and had an experience that I can never hope to compete with. However, both are rather unlikely. There's no reason to assume the worst possible case in this particular instance, look at the evidence and see if matches his story but don't make the mistake of projecting your own motivations onto him (and yes, I'm incredibly guilty of doing what I just told you not to do, so, follow my advice, not me as an example!).

It looks like one giant barrier to your healing is that your H won't talk with you about his A.

The free download Help for Therapists (and their Clients) on Peggy Vaughan's website may help, if either of you are readers.

It's an easy read if you stick to the statistics, and the statistics are pretty clear - the more couples talk about the A, the better the outcomes.

Also, Shirley Glass's NOT "Just Friends" has a lot of great information. I urge you to get a copy.

A second big barrier seems to be your shame. Your H betrayed you because of his own issues. You did nothing to deserve betrayal. His A was about him, not about your or your M. It was his failure.

But the sense of shame you feel is normal. I'm pretty healthy emotionally (if I do say so myself! ), and none of my friends know about my W's A. That's partly about shame.

You know what? That's OK. I'm healthy, but not perfect. I feel some shame where I should feel none. So do you. If you stick around, you'll read that others do, too. So be it. You can find joy again, even so.

But healing is a long, hard journey. You're at the start. You seem to know where you are. You seem to be standing up for yourself. You seem to be creating boundaries that will help you.

All of that is very positive.

Even the feeling awful - sad, mad, scared, ashamed - even feeling those feelings is very positive for your healing.

Being betrayed is traumatic. It's a giant blow agains one's self-esteem. Healing is processing the feelings that come with that trauma.

The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover. I think it's fair to say that you'll go through a period of a few months in which you spiral downward as you take in just how traumatic the A is. That may be followed by a very low plateau in which you gather your resources and process some of the pain out of your body. Then comes a slow improvement in your mood, an increasing awareness of your strengths.

You say you're looking into the 180. If you want to R, you need to communicate with your H. The 180 limits communication. Also, the 180 is not a tool for manipulating your WS back into your M.

What's your goal for the 180?

WHAT'S YOUR GOAL FOR THE 180?

Sisoon, I suggested this so that she could try to level out her emotions a bit (she is having extreme emotional highs and lows), not to leave him. I don't think she is at the point of making a decision whether to R or D.

Learn about HB (hysterical bonding).

Look up rugsweeping. Your WH doesn’t want to speak about the affair and he is letting you know this by shutting you out when you try and speak to him. He is basically bulling you into sweeping his affair under the rug.

I would suggest you find a individual counselor to help you, since you have no real world support.

Hi MC;

When will it ever get better

The million dollar question. Unfortunatly each person is different, there is no magic number.

Your days will go slow, with multitude of triggers, others will be good quick days.

All I can say is keep looking after #1, you and the children.

Try not to let it consume every thought throughout the day, he isn't worth it.

But communicate to him every day how you are going, how he needs to step up and make you safe, make the marriage safe.

He has to do the work. You need to discover yourself. He has the issues not you!

He is accountable for his conscous decissions.