SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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I posted a thread a few days ago about what happened when I met up with my stbxw to take care of some financial obligations we shared, I wanted to post the full story of what happened during my relationship. I posted it over at Reddit, but I wanted to share my story with all of you.

Link to my progress.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=642063&HL=72010

My wife asked for a Divorce on September, 4 2019. I was in total shock and disbelief. I noticed that she was being distant and not really wanting to talk or do much the month prior. I didn't really think much into it. We were working a bunch and just trying to pay off debts and keep the bills paid. I did little things to remind her I was still here and that I loved her. I'm 30 years old male and she is 26 year old female. We've been married for little over 4 months but been together for 8 years. There is a lot of backstory that has lead up to this day so I want to start from the beginning.

We first met at Bo jangles, she was already working there and I needed a job, because the housing market crashed in 2008 and I was laid off from my construction job. When I walked into the door, she told her manager that she was going to marry me one day. I ended up getting the job and she was all over me. Wanted to talk, touch my hand, she even took my phone and texted herself from it to get my number. She would tell me stories about how her home life wasn't really the greatest and how she suffered from anxiety and depression and was really alone in the world. She didn't have anyone to talk to or be friends with. These stories would always take place when I was washing dishes and some of them were very horrifying. She told me she would be physically and mentally abused at home. Like her dad would slam her face in the plate at dinner if she started crying or slam her hand in doors as punishment, or even go as far as saying he would shoot her and kill her if she didn't behave. Her mom, who was diabetic, would always say things like I'll make myself go into a diabetic coma and die and then you'll be sorry, her parents also told her nothing in the house was hers and she didn't own anything, not even her own room. She told me that she had a lot of suicidal thoughts and even tried to go through with it one time before. Those a just a few examples of what she dealt with at home. Maybe that was a big **red flag (#1)** from the beginning, but I took pity on her and felt bad.

**Red flag #2**

After about 6 months of her wearing me down, I finally said yes and we started dating. About 3 months in we already hit bump in the road. She ended up having a severe case depression and anxiety, where she couldn't leave her house to do anything without having a panic attack or having anxiety attacks. She couldn't show up to work without leaving and was on the verge of being fired. During all of this I thought about leaving. but I always had this thought in my head, What kind of person would I be if I just left when things got bad for her, everyone always left her when she needed them most. So I decided to stick it out and take care of her the best I could. I ended up working her hours and mine at work so she could keep her job. I went and seen her every day. I would bring things to help her feel better and fill her in on the work gossip. Each day I tried to help her take that extra step to get out the house and try to getting back to normal. This went on for about 2-3 months.

She's finally better getting to where she can get out of the house and get to work and start living again. I was so proud of her for not letting this defeat her and now she could move on. She always wanted to show me how grateful she was for me sticking around and helping her. So the next year and half was amazing, we did everything a new couple could do, traveled, went on date nights, wrote nice letters and just laughed a lot.

So we now have been together for about 2 years. She wanted to get out of her parents’ house, because of all the bad feelings and memories that haunted her there. I was on the verge of moving out with my friends, but she said her brother had a basement apartment he was renting out for $400 per month. We both went and looked at it, we really liked it and we moved in together. We both had excitement about moving out and getting our own place. I had a good bit of money saved up, so I bought $2000 worth of furniture. We went to the store and picked it out and I let her pick everything out. She hadn't really experienced the thrill of buying things for herself, because of all the history at home. We got settled in and everything was good. I got promoted at work and had to start spending a lot more time at work than at home, but I always made time on our days off the make sure she knew she was wanted. We decided to split the bills at the new place. I made well enough to pay for all of it, but I wanted her to learn how to budget money and how to save, because she was always a spender and only thought short term. After about 2 months or so she seemed so stressed out and out of whack, she would come home crying her eyes out almost every day and wondered if we were meant to be together. She would tell me she didn't love me, and she wanted to move back home and that she was uncertain about us. I always thought this was something from her anxiety about herself not being good enough, and always thought she was a piece of shit, and just destroying herself mentally. I always gave her reassurance that she was meant to be happy and she wasn't all those things that she said she was. She couldn't handle the stress of being alone at home while I was working. Come to find out that the only reason she wanted to move in with me was that she was jealous that I was moving in with my friends and not her.

We decided that it was time for us to move out. We didn't split up or anything. She wanted to move back home and I went and moved in with my friends. She seemed to get back to normal and be herself again. I was feeling pretty good about where we were at. Then **red flag # 3** happened. One day I don't really remember where I was or what I was doing. I came across a message that she had sent to one of her friend’s cousins. She sent him a message saying that she was so fascinated by him, she didn't know how to express her feelings that she was having about him and that she really wanted to get to know him better. She couldn't come up with the words to say what she wanted to say about him. Seeing this I was instantly upset and mad. I confronted her about and she said it’s nothing and I don't feel that way about him and that I'm the only one for her and she says she didn't mean anything by it. I told her to put the shoe on the other foot and see it from my POV. She understood and said she was sorry. I was pretty distant for a while and lost some trust but things slowing started to get back to normal. I forgave her and moved past it.

We moved in together again. This time it was at a place in the next town over. She got promoted at her job and she was getting moved to another store. I still worked in the same town. With all the extra driving that we were doing I said lets go get us some new cars so we would be safer and not spend a lot of money on gas. The cars we had were beaters, they wouldn't have never held up long term. I told her that if she wanted to move to where she would be closer to her work and I would be farther way I would be okay with that. The drive I had to make was a rough one in the winter. It was at the top of a mountain with curvy roads and it would get slick real fast. I didn't mind it too much because I knew she didn't have to drive it and she would be safe. Everything seemed like it was perfect again. One day she called me and starting crying and bawling her eyes out. She said she was getting forced to take a demotion or get fired, because one of the managers accused her of sexual assault. I took her side in it all and was putting my own job on the line by sticking up for her and saying she didn't do any of this. I was talking to her managers and district managers fighting for her job. But none of it worked, instead of taking the demotion she quit. I was okay with this, because it turned out to be bullshit.

She was in limbo for a while, feeling like a failure, didn't have job, and wasn't helping out at home, just going through the motions. She would apologize everyday about everything and saying she was a POS, worthless, etc. I told her it was okay, that we're fine with money and just take some time to heal and get through it and that I was there for her. A few weeks went by and she wasn't doing any better, so I needed a way to make her happy and forget about all of it. So I went and got her a kitten, I never seen anybody so happy and filled with joy when she saw that cats face. I could see that all that was hurting her and bothering her was gone in just a snap. She started doing better, the cat worked! Within a few weeks she landed a job at a bank and everything go back to normal.

During all of this, I started to get depressed and sad myself. Work was getting worse for me. The stress of her being stressed was hurting me. We had a lot of managers quit, so my hours went way up. I was on salary, so I didn't get paid any extra. My store manager wouldn't do anything to staff the store, so we always we're shorthanded. In July, my store manager went on vacation and left the store a wreck. No help, just me there. I ended up getting fed up and just quitting. I had enough. I cried my eyes out about not knowing the future and all of the uncertainty that I faced. Would my girlfriend think I was a failure, was I just being a bitch and not working it out, now my girlfriend has to support me while I'm out, all of these thoughts flooded my mind. We had a decent nest egg to get us by for a little while, but that soon ran out. I was so sad and depressed about everything I was in and out at different jobs, I ended up just laying on the couch for months. I ended up developing shingles at the age of 26 because of all the stress that was piled on me. I would do nothing all day. I soon realized I had to make a decision to either be miserable or get out and fix it, because what I was doing was not healthy. The shingles virus stayed with me for about a month and half, I was in such pain. Riding in the car was awful. Every little bump made me hurt and scream in pain, I had to walk around like I was sitting in a chair all the time.

My buddy ended moving down a state below us and was telling me it was an awesome place to live, tons of jobs and the growth was unbelievable. I'd listen to a radio stations from where he was living and I always heard all the job ads on the radio and decided to pursue one of these jobs in this area. I made trips almost every weekend to go to the interviews and physical tests. It was about a 2 hr. trip but it was awful. I was trying to get over my shingles still and was in extreme pain while I traveled. I was determined to make this right and set myself and my girlfriend up for future success. So that help me through it.

Fast forward 3-4 months.............

We moved to the new state and we both found good jobs and a nice apartment. Everything was getting back to normal yet again. With me leaving my job and her not making enough. We were very far behind on all of our bills. We basically were living way above our means at the previous place. So the only way to get out of it was for me to work. I got a sales job and ended up getting paid commission. So I told my SO, I'm going to work a lot of hours to get the stress of all these finances under control, so we don't have to worry about it anymore. I tried to communicate everything I did, so she knew I wasn't ignoring her or leaving her behind. All was good for about half a year then **red flag #4 happened**.

She ended up getting a new phone, I was going to clean out the old phone to sell it on Facebook or E bay. Having some doubts from the past, I got curious and started going through some messages on her phone. I came across some messages that she and this guy were sending each other like, hey I heard you're going to leave your man? My SO said yeah lol I am. Here I am again in the same situation again. This time it felt different and the pain was harder to swallow. My mind was wandering about all the conversations that had taken place prior to those text messages, How could she just be so calm and nonchalant about saying that. I called her instantly and confronted her. She told me she was on her way home and it wasn't what it seems. She came home and we started fighting about it. I'd ask her questions about How?, why?, what have I done to make you want to do this? I work my ass off for us, I cook, I clean, and I give you the emotional support you need. I tell you you're beautiful, I bring you breakfast in bed, I tried to take all the burdens from you and put them on myself. She started crying and said she was dumb for doing it and she was sorry, and begging me not to leave, the whole spill. I ended up leaving for a half a day and I just drove around. She ended up telling me that she was lonely at home and that I was never there. That my job was more important than her. I told her that was never the case, I told you that I was working so much to help us out, not to be away.

By this point, if you've made it this far, you wondering why in the fuck are you still there? I sometimes wondered this myself, I had the rose tinted glasses on and didn't see through it. Early on in our relationship, I made a promise to her that I wanted her to be truly happy and to give her the life that she never had growing up. I was willing to do anything to achieve that goal. Eventually, I forgave her and went back again.

From that point on we really worked on our relationship and everything was awesome, yet again. We ended getting our finances together and was able to save up a good chunk of change. We wanted to go do something awesome, So we waited to our lease was up, put in notices at work, and took a trip around the whole USA, we drove everywhere from the east coast and west coast. It was an amazing trip. I ended up proposing to her at the top of Pikes Peak, in CO. We were in engaged. We ended up getting married in April 2019 and it was an amazing day and I had so much fun, my wife was beautiful, I thought how I got so lucky to marry her. Regardless of all the differences we've been through, it all seemed right.

September 4th 2019

The day she asked for a divorce.

I noticed that she was being distant and she really started being on her phone a lot. She recently became fascinated with Korean culture and the language. So she download the apps the where you can have someone from Korea teach you Korean in exchange for you teaching them English. I didn't think too much into because she was just learning a new language and picked up a new hobby( she didn't have any), but the time spent on these apps talking to other men was going from 20 mins to 4-5 hours a day. I believe she was using the time on these apps while I was working at nights to feel like she was wanted by someone to talk to. I was working at nights 4 days a week but would have 3 days off to do things together. We just got married and wanted to go on a honeymoon and save up for a house. So I started taking on extra time at work. As I did before and what I learned from the past, I didn't want the same thing to happen because I was away again. I talked to her about me working the extra shifts and how it would help us get to those goals faster, and if she didn't want me to do it, I wouldn't. She told me everything is fine and she understands what needs to be done to achieve those goals. The more time I was away the more time she would be on these apps, to get rid of her loneliness, she just wanted someone to make sure she felt wanted. So when I got home on the 4th, I confronted her about it and this is what she said;

She told me that ever since the beginning of our relationship she was never "in" love with me, but she loved me. Everything she said to the pastor and at the wedding was all a lie. The vows and all the loving things she said. The smile the happiness, everything was fake. She did it all because she thought it would make her fall in love in love with me. She said some very hurtful things to me. That it wasn't me, that it was all her fault. The she just wanted me to be happy. That it wasn't fair to me that she wasn't fully invested and she wanted me to find someone that is. I said it sounds like to me when you say that, you've found another guy. She denied it up and down and even said I bet it would make it easier for you if I did. She just kept on repeating these sentences over and over again. I called bullshit on all these claims she was saying, I remember all the cards and notes and the moments we shared together and there is just too many to say that it wasn't love. The next few days would unravel all I needed to know.

I called one of her friends who is pregnant and she told me some pretty disturbing news. They were having a conversation and my SO said hey I guess our kids are going to grow up together. Her friend asked are you pregnant? My SO said I don't know and her friend asked if it was mine and she said no. So I now knew she had an affair, but she couldn't tell me to my face, herself. That's how I found out.

Come to find out she isn't pregnant thank God!

She confessed to it, that it was one of the Korean guys from the app that was visiting the USA, so she drove 12 hours away to meet this guy and have the affair. I asked her, did you not realize what you were doing? Did you not think about me and what damages you’re going to cause to this marriage? Why did we even follow through with getting married? You're parents just spent 15k on this wedding, did you not think of them? Though this all she has seem just so emotionless, shows no empathy. She tells me she cares about me, she just suppresses her feelings it and that she doesn't deserve to cry. I've seen her crack a few times and apologize and start crying but it’s very quick and then she goes back to normal. She says that POS like her do this to good people. She just drags everyone down. She told me she had the affair to force one of us to make a decision about moving on. How fucked up is this? How can someone say all of this is a span of a month to where everything is fine, then boom it’s not? She's told she's cried about this for years and that each time she had a breakdown it was about leaving me. I'd ask her every single time what can I do to help you, make you feel better, just give me anything to help, but she wouldn't tell me. How could she tell me that? she says. She told me that she was scared that I would leave and she would be alone and didn't know what to do if I did leave. So while she was out having a good ole time, she used me all along for someone they come back to for emotional support. She also told me that it never mattered what I did, eventually it would always ended up like this

Should I feel guilty for wanting to improve our life, by working?

How could someone be so ruthless and not care about someone else feelings and say all of those horrible things?

How could some just lie straight to your face about not loving you?

Am I going crazy?

I know I'm not perfect and I could have done better in a lot of areas and I'm not free of fault, It takes two to a marriage. Maybe I did way too much. I did alot of things for her.

I told her I loved her that she was beautiful, I cooked, cleaned, picked up after her, did laundry. Would pick up piles of trash she would leave on the couch and beside the bed. I'd pick up bloody pads and diapers in the bathrooms. Clean the cat litter all the time. Fed and took out the animals. Every time she wanted something from the kitchen or bedroom, I'd get it. I paid off medical debt for her, let her be herself, never raised a hand or said mean things to her. Never forced her to be someone she's not. Work 60-70 hrs. a week to make sure we had money to do stuff. It was never reciprocated, it was always 80/20. Even sex felt like a chore to her. She would never start sex. I would basically have to beg for it. She would just sit there like a dead fish till it was over. I took on her burdens as my own to try and help her out and to be happy. She always had this unreasonable plateau for me to reach to be her perfect guy, and for everything I did, I always failed.

I'm somewhat relieved that it’s over, I don't have to worry about all the trash, medical debts just pilling on, her spending habits, all the added stress of trying to make her the center of attention all the time, feeling guilty about doing things for myself and being told I'm addicted just because I like doing something, rather than spending time with her. I lost myself in it all and sacrificed so much for her happiness. I just wish she could understand this and realize how much she wronged me and hurt me, but I don't believe she ever will.

They're so many other things I could add to this, but by then I could probably write an entire book. Thank you for reading my story. I've gotten alot better and I continue to improve daily. Thanks to people stories and all the advice I've read on this site. Thank you.

[This message edited by Bnike21 at 5:48 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

Let go of this relationship. She sounds so damaged and there is nothing you can do to help her. Her behavior is so bizarre. She might look like an adult but she isn’t one. You need to take care of yourself. You have been babysitting your entire 20s.

This child was broken from the start.

Sorry you're in this situation but you should be grateful that this F'ed up relationship is coming to an end.

You need to end this marriage now but you also need to see an attorney so you're not stuck taking care of some other man's kid.

I know you're hurting but in time you'll see that this was never about you. This little girl doesn't know what love is. She never saw it growing up and if she doesn't love herself (and she doesn't) she sure can't give you or anyone else something she's incapable of giving because she doesn't have it to give.

Life with her was going to be nothing but misery!!!

Walk away and let her be someone else's problem.

Moving forward stop trying to fix people. She showed you from the beginning who she was and you ignored it because you thought you could fix her. As you've now learned this was an exercise in futility.

Get away from her as fast as you can and end this nightmare (legally).

Trust me you'll look back on this in the coming months/yrs and will be grateful that it ended so you could live a life without someone who brings nothing but drama and was just an anchor that tied you down to misery and heartache.

Thank god you didn't have kids with this woman but you better make sure the one on the way is NOT yours.

See an attorney FAST!!

Brike, your STBXWW needs serious help from a counselor. Until she gets it, she will be treating every future partner the same way she treated you. She's looking for someone else to solve all of her problems and then blowing everything up when they can't because the biggest problem lies within herself and is only something that she can fix. Not being able to handle being alone while you work is not normal at all.

See a lawyer if you haven't already. Get an STD test. It sounds like she's been cheating on you for a long time so make sure they know and check for everything they can. Get an IC for yourself and pick up a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover.

I'm so glad you are moving on.

She is a mess. She is not going to change.

You went above and beyond, and honestly, I don't understand why you didn't leave her a long time ago. She's added nothing to your relationship.

Leaving dirty pads on the bathroom floor?

Divorce her and never look back. We all understand it's difficult, but you will be ok.

Next relationship, be sure it's 50-50. You deserve a partner who is willing to pitch in to make YOUR life a bit easier.

If and when you Divorce you have to know that:

You did your best

You were a wonderful Husband

You stayed through thick and thin and then some even through the dating period

It’s time to move on unfortunately. This drama will be with you the rest of your life if she won’t get help. And nowhere did you say she’s had professional counseling or anything like that.

Please know you deserve better. Much better. Depression should not be an excuse to be a slob or lazy. You gave her a cat she didn’t really take care of. How sad. Lucky the cat had you. See the red flag 🚩 here?

At her age she needs to want to get better emotionally and physically. She should recognize that as an adult. Her childhood may have been bad but she can overcome it. She just doesn’t appear motivated to do so.

And you cannot be her knight in shining armor (KISA) any longer. You see rescuing her doesn’t work. It didn’t change a thing.

A relationship is supposed to enhance your happiness and your life. It is not supposed to be your source of happiness. If you don’t love yourself you cannot love others. She is proof of this.

I hope she gets the help she needs. And I hope you see you need to move on from her. She’s not someone you can fix or heal or cure or change.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:23 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

this sucks, I've been there before in several of my dating relationships (the shitshow that is my marriage is a completely different monster).

I use to think setting aside my needs for hers that she would do the same and take care of my needs without me having to ask, and that she would be happy to have someone that gave everything they had for her. attraction doesn't work that way (I recommend the married red pill on reddit for you)

Lucky for you, it's a short marriage, and you can probably get an annulment and go your separate ways (attempt this rather than agreeing to a divorce). be thankful there are no kids involved, and use it as a learning experience. with all the chemicals flying around in your brain, it's easy to overlook those red flags. now you know not too. it will save you heart ache in the future.

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 7:52 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

One word, RUN !!!

Married only 4 months and she's been cheating for a while and wants a divorce? Grant her wish and get this marriage annulled. From what you've posted, there's nothing worth saving here.

Hey Bnike21:

I don't have a lot of advice for you because everyone else seems to have said the same things that I would have and you seem to be on the right track.

However, I wanted to just salute you for being such a stand up guy from the very beginning with this girl. You went way above and beyond what most people would in your situation.

There is no possibility of her ending up in a better place than she would have with you, so whatever the consequences are of her trying to do so are on her.

Move on with your life with your head up!

Peace.

Thank you all for your support and comments. I'll try to respond to everyone in this one post.

I've been doing really good as far as no contact and staying away from her social media. Its crazy to me how everyone in my family and friends and even her family were shocked that this took place. When I told her about that, she said I know it was a shock to everyone, I guess I'm really good at keeping secrets.

Her parents and friends have sent me messages saying you'll find someone who wants the same things as you and you're a great guy. Her parents still stay in contact with me and wish me well and If I ever needed them to let them know. I don't know if I believe her about her comments about her parents, I was around them for 9 years and never seen the evil she described. Idk.

As far as I know, their isn't one person on her side of the family that hasn't reached out to me and wished me success.

I've set up a meeting with a lawyer to speed this process up and divorce asap. In the meantime, I've just been working my best to get myself back to me.

In the first few weeks, I did the begging, crying, and asking why? but now I don't care anymore. I just say I hope you find your happiness and good luck. Just giving her what she wants.

I have no plans of ever trying to get back with her or even entertaining R. No way no how.

When I was with her my eating habits were terrible. Probaly 15k calories a day of fast food, soda, candy and whatever else. Once all this got set in motion, something just clicked in me and I didnt want any of it anymore. So strange. I was always tired too. Like chronic tiredness. I couldnt hold my head up most days and didnt wanna do anything at all. In the end I just gave up, I felt so drained of all my emotions, energy, money, debt pilling on, and the filthiness. all the drama. It was always something adding on. I even started to get gray hairs like alot them. Crazy amount of stress.

Her parents set her up for IC for Self esteem issues. She would go to maybe 1 or 2 visits and then stop and say it wasnt working. I always was supportive of trying to get her to go, even up till the very end. Always was the same answer.

I have picked up several books on self help.

No more Mr. Nice guy, The art of not give a f*ck, the superior man, and a few others. I've been educating my self on everything relationships. I know so much more now and I believe it's helped me out so much.

Yeah looking back I guess I was trying to fix her. I honestly thought I was just trying to help out and be a good spouse. I thought thats just what you did. I started doing more and more and just lost track of it. I didn't realize how much she was taking advantage.

Everything gets better. I have improved tremendously in the short time. Never give up.

The abuse came from some were and it is just another one of her great secrets.

Anyway....the abuse she went through as a kid has messed her up so bad. She really believes she doesn't deserve good things.

You were a good thing so she actually tried for years to sabotage the relationship but you were just to forgiving.

In her mind she did not deserve to love or be loved. So in her head, she could not love you, she doesn't deserve love, love is to good of thing for her to have.

The fact is she did love you, she just didn't know what to do with something so good such as love so she thinks she really did not have love. Make sense?

As broken as she is she just can't get it....she may never get it with out a lot of professional help!

The key word is "sabotage" …..

She will continue this behavior in every relationship and career. Once something good comes her way she will phuck it up b/c she truly believes she doesn't deserve it!

You were a good thing...she worked hard for years to sabotage this relationship....you were just to good and let her slide. I believe she really didn't want to hurt you, but broken people like her can only take so much good before they break and do what ever they can to get away from the good things that they "don't deserve".

It's really sad some folks have this mental block. They could have so much more happiness and success in everything life has to offer.

Think about it...something as small as getting new furniture...which is good....she treated like shyt by laying trash pills all around it.

In he head a new place was to good for her so she sabotages it by leaving the place a mess!

friends are a good thing right? Well.....

Is it coming together for you? Do you see the why?

She wanted the worst of you not the best you. She needed to bring you down....you were simply to good!

She is broken!!!! She is not doing this to you, she is doing this to her self. You just happen to be in the way. Just like her old bosses, or old friends...they too got in her way so she sabotages anything good they had to offer her.

Sad to say she will only be happy in an abusive relationship and homeless...that's how sick she is.

BTW

What happened to the kitten?

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 10:06 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Sorry for your pain brother.

Read up on borderline personality disorder. It’s incredibly difficult to treat. You can’t help those, that won’t help themselves.

I wish you all the best!

(((( TheGuy123 )))

Dude everything you said make total sense. I can picture everything you said to every situation.

She never really had any friends the whole time we where together. She had a few friends from childhood, but she would only go hang out with them ever so often. When we moved to the new city, she gain a few friends from work and started hanging out with them, but that didn't last very long.

She had a bunch of jobs where she would get promoted to manager spots that paid pretty well. For some reason or another she would always find a way to leave them or get fired. Every time she would get promoted it seem like a few short months later it would happen.

She would have conversations with me sometimes about how I would be better off without her. She was holding me back from happiness. That she added so much more stress and anxiety to my life that didn't need to be there. That she was never good enough. I ALWAYS reassured her that she was a good person, always told her that she deserved happiness. That she deserved to have nice things and a nice life. I told her that we were a team and we could solve all these problems together. I believed in her, but that doesn't matter if she didn't want it to change. She just wanted to take the easy way out and not take the hard path to change for the better.

Every 2 years something crazy would happen out of the blue, weather it was her having a wondering eye for someone else, spending all of our money on worthless stuff when were broke, just doing something out of the wild. When peace and happiness would start the happen and maybe should would start falling in love with me on a deeper level, she would stop and do something to sabotage it. Every single time.

She never appreciated anything we had. She had a nice car that would be trashed all the time. Every apartment would be trashed. The animals wouldn't have water or food till I got home. Only took the dog out when I forced her too. All the clothes and shoes where never enough.

The kitten is now a big ole fat cat lol, she took him with her. I hope she takes care of him, but Idk. He requires special food for his bladder and its like $100 per bag and his litter box needs constant attention because if he gets a UTI it can severely hurt him, and on her limited income, I dont know if she can afford it.

Yes I can see the why, but it just amazes me that someone would want to be that way to live miserable and feel worthless. I've had a helping hand raised at her for 8 years and she always smacked it away. Maybe one day she'll realize that.

That poor cat...she will keep it fat and miserable...kind of like how she tried to keeping her husband.

I don't know if I believe her about her comments about her parents, I was around them for 9 years and never seen the evil she described.

True or Not - plenty of people have fucked up childhoods - (myself included) and don't go around destroying other people.

Actually - I have always tried to help others - too much.

After my WH death last month - I finally had to stop being so selfLess. and start being more selfish. I gave, gave, gave - not just to him, but to others. Always trying to save him and others.

The thing is Bnike - you can't save other people from themselves. That's a job they have to do for themselves. You couldn't save her from her crazy because she chose to not work on herself, save herself, or get the therapy it sounds like she desperately needs. Like I couldn't save my WH from his addiction because he wouldn't help himself even when I handed him the help on a silver platter. Begging, screaming, crying - finding resources, meds, doctors, therapists, insurance to cover those expenses - none of it mattered since he wouldn't take the steps to help himself.

Different situations - yes. But same diff - because you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved and you can't help someone who won't help themself.

Luckily - you are still young. Fuck her.

I'm sure you'll find in your 30's that you are more mature, stronger, and smarter. Our experiences teach us what we want in life, what we will and won't accept, and what we actually deserve. And you deserve more. You'll find it.

Healing takes time - but you've got this. Hang in there.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 11:05 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

Bnike21...I'm both amazed and sad when I read posts such as yours. The frustration of admirably giving so much to another and yet realizing no appreciation for your effort(s- especially when one does so out of the goodness of their heart with NO expectation of any reward. In your case- as in many, your "reward" was simply a hope that your relationship and marriage would be benefited by your hard work and caring. IMO, anyone who shits on those attributes is lacking human functionality per se.

As others so intuitively have stated, you gave SO much to ensure success and felt that those gestures were the right thing to do. And then......due to her "issues"- albeit perhaps legitimate ones, the fact that you were unaware of those issues ultimately came to an abrupt halt. The fact that you noted that her family were supportive with you also reinforces your noble attempts. Often (my experience included), families will take sides which can also magnify a betrayal. In your case, they saw it (objectively) for what it was). They saw the reality that YOU did your best and they recognized that.

People that are in need of 'fixing' first need to have an awareness. SOME clue or hint that others are not responsible for their shortcomings. How many actually come to that realization? Those who do not- like your spouse - ultimately destroy anything good. No one is perfect, but when you choose a relationship, healthy people realize that some work is necessary. Trouble is that too many look for someone to "fix" things for them. Not only unreasonable, but most importantly so unfair to the labeled "fixer".

I and many see your unselfish attempts to save this relationship. Inasmuch as I am sure you're heart-broken, know that you deserve someone who will appreciate all of your efforts and devotion. And try not to let those who are emotionally -deficient(knowing that this is all too common) allow you to generalize per se. You have a "star" partner out there. It will eventually happen :)

I wish the best for you:)

True or Not - plenty of people have fucked up childhoods - (myself included) and don't go around destroying other people.

I want to echo what CatsnTarts has said because I see so many people fall into this trap of thinking someone's abusive actions are excusable or that they need to be treated with kid gloves because they experienced an abusive childhood.

My husband and my WXBF are good examples of this. My husband's childhood was horrific. Both parents very abusive emotionally and physically. He has horror stories from even as young as 1-2 of both parents putting their hands on him in rage. Memories you can only have that young due to something traumatic happening. Despite all this and his mother's abuse continuing until he was 20 and capable of never having to live with her again, it was my XWBF who was the cheater, the one who said ALL of the things your WW would say to you about not deserving me (while he was likely cheating) and treating me terribly. XWBF had a well meaning, loving mother despite being a little emotionally absent at times and caught up in her own world. He had a loving, supportive father despite living across country from him and not seeing him as much as he wanted to. His stepfather was nothing but nice. XWBF's childhood was a cake walk in comparison to my husband's and yet you'd think my broken XWBF was the one with a supremely messed up childhood because he's still at it today messing around where he shouldn't be and being controlling and cruel to whomever is unlucky enough to date him nearly 10 years later.

Truthfully, who knows how messed up your WW's childhood really was. It could have been just average levels of messed up and she has a personality disorder like my WXBF. A bit more strife than the ideal but a far cry from a horror story. Who knows what is true, what isn't, and what is grossly exaggerated. What I can say as someone married to another with a very abusive childhood similar to what you described is - it's very obvious that his parents did what he said they did even though I've never witnessed them lay a hand on him, never openly admit it, and never do anything clearly abusive. It comes out in other, more subtle ways and more acutely with other people.

It's possible that her parents have put on an amazing mask for all these years with you but it's not likely because people that terrible do well with short visits and a few hours here and there but can't hide it long term. Has her father ever acted controlling with her or been very opinionated about her life choices even when they were minor or had nothing to do with him? Does her mother appear to be managing her diabetes well? Have they ever harshly criticized her or criticized her about something minor in your presence or over the phone/text? I think if you've never ever seen her parents be nothing but loving and supportive then you might want to accept her version of her childhood probably isn't true. But if you've seen even hints of controlling or criticizing behavior, especially in situations where they think no one else is listening (much like my MIL will do), then she probably was telling the truth. It's worth thinking about and trying to figure out if there were any more subtle abuse happening that you may have missed because there's a big difference between a WW who has been lying the whole relationship about a bunch of different things and a broken WW who is dealing with the aftermath of being dealt a bad hand.

What's interesting about what TheGuy wrote is that she doesn't HAVE to have had an abusive childhood for that to be true. She could also just have one of many mental illnesses or personality disorders. Bipolar, BPD, NPD (covert), just to name a few, can manifest in this exact same way and without an abusive childhood fueling them. As an abuse survivor who knows A LOT of other survivors myself, I can honestly say that assuming someone had an abusive childhood as a reason for their self destructive behavior is actually a huge myth and even studies about whether people with abusive childhoods are more likely to become abusive themselves are inconclusive about just how likely it is. A child is more likely to become abusive by watching a parent abuse their spouse than they are from being abused themselves. Whether her childhood was as bad as she says it was or not doesn't change the fact that those sentiments about what she deserves and how she self sabotages are damn true.

But - what's probably the most important of all of this - is that you CAN NOT change her. You can not fix her. You can not make her want to change or fix herself. The WW you have today is the one that you will always have until she wants it badly enough for herself to do it. AND her brokenness and past DO NOT excuse her abuse of you or some how make it less bad because her situation is sadly not special and she is not an exception for it. While she is not at fault for how she was raised if her parents did those bad things to her, it IS her responsibility to deal with it properly and not take it out on the people close to her like you.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 9:09 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

I'm somewhat relieved that it’s over, I don't have to worry about all the trash, medical debts just pilling on, her spending habits, all the added stress of trying to make her the center of attention all the time, feeling guilty about doing things for myself and being told I'm addicted just because I like doing something, rather than spending time with her. I lost myself in it all and sacrificed so much for her happiness. I just wish she could understand this and realize how much she wronged me and hurt me, but I don't believe she ever will.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand, stop here.

s hard as it is to see the death of a marriage/relationship, sometimes it is for the best. You have nowhere to go in your life but happier.