NYT recently had an article on the importance of close friendships, and in reading, I was able to frame the incredible post-infidelity isolation that is now my life and my profound disappointment.
I have lots of personal and professional friends and acquaintances, I am outgoing, well-regarded in my field and community, blah blah blah. However, when I think back to the day before I was directly informed of WS’s affair, I counted four people I was really close with. This was WS, two friends, and my father. My justification now for this stratification was this: those four were the only people who I was willing to tell that my marriage was bad during WS’s affair. For everyone else in my world, “how are you doing?” was always met with “great!” and life went on. However, I spent years telling WS she was depressed and needed help, that I would be there for her if she got it, and many of my interactions with those other three consistently steered to, “What is going on with WS, are you two okay?” and they were the only ones I would reply to honestly, “I do not know what is going on, but she is going increasingly off the rails and will not admit it”. As far as the rest of the world was concerned, all was well.
Enter D-Day. I learned that my entire relationship with my spouse was a lie, and worse than that, she had actively destroyed our intimate partnership, risked the safety of my entire family including my kids, and got pregnant again while having an affair without having the minimal courage to tell me it might not be something I would want to do. Everything that I built with my spouse, the closest person to me and the person I unquestionably considered my best friend was destroyed. Additionally, I realized instantly that OM was DSM-style psychotic and WS was seriously unwell, and I had to alert employers, preschool, doctors, therapists, several different layers of law enforcement, attorneys, labs, security services, etc. Never before or since have so many people known about the dirty laundry in my life.
Outside of people told about the affair in a life safety or professional capacity, I only told three people a remotely accurate account of what happened: those two friends, and my parents, who for this I considered one entity. My two friends were absolutely “there” for me, in that I could call or go see them, they would hear me out, they would check in occasionally, etc. However, as a result of enduring this, those relationships are no longer “close”. Both of them went from visiting my home many times a year to never having been back after D-Day. We are still cordial, and “friends”, but the damage is clearly done. My parents took the opposite approach, they made themselves extremely available, and while they outwardly stated they would support me no matter what, and I do believe them, they began a relentless “stay in your marriage” campaign that even years later makes me want space.
So, as the result of my WS’s unilateral horrible choices, I lost any prospect of an intimate mental relationship with my spouse, close relationships with my two dearest friends, and some of the quality of my relationship with my parents.
We are now a couple of years past D-Day. My kids are growing and doing well. I got “graduated” from IC, WS seems to finally be making real progress in hers (with a long way to go). I have not blown up my life or risked my family in any way, but I realize I have never been more alone. My spouse remains a stranger, and our relationship is a transactional kid-based alliance that could end at any time. I do not see my two friendships really recovering, and my relationship with my parents is okay. I spend my time around people in my profession who are fine and interesting, but we rarely have common interests, and other parents where at least so far I have not found anyone I would really bond with.