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hi every one hope u doing well i know its difficult saying hope u doing well, anyway so my wife started acting up he phone was never seen around the house anymore...i started noticing behaviour changes when we argue over a small thing she would leave sleep at her mothers house a few houses away from our house..so day before yesterday night she was sleeping and her phone peep a whatsapp msg i read the massage reading f*ck i cant lose you, i replied like its my wife chatting asking what do u mean...and than the chats starting to heat up i confronted my wife and she says that its a friend called Thandi but on true caller id it shows its klaas a male not female....so most of the detail i gathered from people working with her and conclusion was she had an affair at work with klaas the machine operator...she denies everything and I know for a fact if you put one and one together whats the answer....I don't have solid proof but only the massages and it hurts me like hell i just wants answers when how long why but she still denies and claims she dont know why he sent her these massages his mad she will never cheat and wants us to sort things out and save our marriage...i ask her to leave and move on where her heart wants to be and clearly its not with me...and if we are supposed to be together again she must resign she don't want to. The pays her penies we have a small shop and 3 taxis that makes more money daily than what her factory job pays so that shows that she is not really ready to save or to worry about out marriage and two kids...so if we sort this out and move on how do i forgive and forget her the pain is so unbearable i will never ever wish this on any living human being ever. MY WIFE DOESN'T SHOW ANY REMORSE WHATS SO EVER AND FEELS THAT SHE DID NOTHING WRONG THAT'S THE OTHER THING

So, she is having, or has had an affair, with a man from her workplace.

Won’t admit the affair or admit fault, won’t quit her job and wants to remain married?

Time to start looking out for yourself. Get medical checks for any STDs or STIs. She may have put you at risk.

Start looking after yourself, talk to a IC about your feelings. You have confronted her and she has gas lit you.

Try to get access to her phone, emails and any other secret communication devices so to find out the depth of the betrayal.

One day at a time. Try turning the 180 and stop her rug sweeping this.

Buffer

I’m sorry you had to find out about your wife’s affair. You will survive this but it is painful. Healing is slow and takes time. Just do you know what you are dealing with.

First she is acting like a typical cheater by lying about the affair. Sex or no sex - no guy writes a text to anyone saying “I can’t lose you”. She’s cheated on you. You are right about that.

Second without remorse from the cheater you have very little to work with here. Without remorse you are going to get very little from her in terms of support or understanding. Cheaters who have no remorse typically do not invest in the marriage and therefore put in very little effort to make amends.

Third suggestion is that you get your own support team. Find a counselor or therapist to help you. Do not waste your $ on marriage counseling. She’s not interested or invested right now.

I hope this information helps you.

Read up on the 180 in the healing library (upper left corner.) here at SI. The 180 is meant to protect you and not stop her affair. It sets boundaries that her behavior is not tolerated.

Basically you are not her husband right now. You stop cooking meals for her, errands or favors or laundry. You are polite but not overly chatty or engaged. If you have children then you are polite in front of them. Otherwise you leave the room if she’s in it. You don’t respond to her texts unless necessary - kids, finances or schedules. That’s it.

Those are my suggestions on how you handle a cheater with no remorse. I lasted six months with my cheating H. Then I had enough and told him to leave at the same time I instituted all of the above. I should have done it sooner. My biggest regret.

Sounds like your WW had an affair and she stopped it but her AP wants to continue. Now she doesn’t want to lose the safe husband, she just wanted to have fun with a secret BF, so she lies to you and gas light you.she is in "cover your ass" mode.

Cheaters lie. They can swear on their Children’s head, on their mothers, fathers head. They just lie. They are selfish and only think about themselves.

Your WW could work on repairing the marriage if she was confessing, and start telling the truth. Marriage is based on trust and your WW can’t be trusted right now.

The best thing you can do right now is to detach from your WW. Don’t sleep in the same room, no sex (she might have STD), don’t eat with her, don’t talk to her. This way, you will slowly detach emotionally and you will be in a better position to take decisions that are best for YOU.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 5:15 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

and to top it all she 45 im 41 and her lover is 24 years old

thank you people i really appreciate all of this

Yeah so he’s just a toy boy. She probably doesn’t care about him. She doesn’t care about you either.

Do you know who she cares for? Any guess? Herself.

She definitely had an affair or is having an affair ,when a person starts throwing tantrums and are inconsiderate to you they are being kept busy by someone else.

If she is not willing to come out and tell you the absolute truth -it means she sees nothing wrong in her behavior

sorry for your pain but do not allow her to get away with this because I assure she will do it again.If you have to work through this she has to own up to her doings.

Report them to their boss, most employers do not like things like this that could complicate the workplace or expose them to legal action...they both may get fired

hi everyone shes back home yesterday from her mothers house she still denies everything and would like to work on our marriage can u believe it

Unless she admits the truth, you don't have a marriage.

You cannot build a marriage on a bed of lies.

Ask her if she's willing to take a polygraph.

Please don't just sweep her affair under the rug, you had a bomb dropped on your marriage, and you are probably traumatized, she doesn't get to come back like nothing happened.

This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^! Great advice.

Hi, Yayo. Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. You're here, you're in the right place.

Is Klaas married or in a relationship? Tell his partner. You may want to whatsapp him to get him to confirm a few things first. Ask for his side of the story.

I would consider reporting them to HR (human resources) at the plant but only to force her to leave the job. She may need an income at some point in the future. If you need her to do this on her own to reestablish trust, don't take the option away for her.

MY WIFE DOESN'T SHOW ANY REMORSE WHATS SO EVER AND FEELS THAT SHE DID NOTHING WRONG THAT'S THE OTHER THING

Your wife seems to be new at the cheating and lying game.. she's not very good at it if "deny deny deny" is what she leads with. You say you interviewed her co-workers. How did they say the affair happened? Did they leave the workplace together? Did they have private time away from people seeing where they were going and what they were doing? Did you interview Thandi? What did she say?

Please make a point of screenshotting any digital evidence from now on. Save it in a safe place your wife can't access and back that up to a private cloud like Google Drive. Have access to her phone, try to download or copy any other digital evidence. Get tested for any STI/STDs (this is important.. this guy is 24.. you have no idea what he's been up to). Make sure she does too. IF that is too embarrassing, tough.

The foundation for any great reconciliation is trust, remorse from the cheater, and total transparency. Your wife is failing all of these right now. Don't feel like you have to be in a rush to repudiate her. Work on finding proof first. For your own peace of mind. It goes without saying your wife and Klaas need to go 100% no contact. I can't see that happening if she doesn't resign her position. It is a casualty of her affair. If she wants her marriage and family, she needs to do this.

she deleted the nr of thandi/klaas he was moved to a new section of the factory its about 10min drive away he doesn't even own a car mxm but im still continuing my private investigation as i know if we put one and one together we know whats gona happen

The problem you have is if they work together the affair can continue or reignite.

No recourse no truth = no reconciliation possible

In order to be taken seriously, she needs to believe that you are ready to divorce (bluff if you must) her rather than live with the uncertainty of what she did with the OM.

Schedule an appointment with an attorney to see how divorce will impact you (and let her know). The first hour is often free.

Put an end to this BS by insisting on a polygraph test (around $400) and have her pay for it.

hi everyone shes back home yesterday from her mothers house she still denies everything and would like to work on our marriage can u believe it

As long as this is her attitude, reconciliation and working on your marriage is impossible. The old marriage is dead. She double-tapped it, set the remains on fire and buried it in a shallow grave.

South Africa called it the "TRUTH and Reconciliation Commission" for a reason. T & R go together hand in hand. Can't have one without the other.

In fact the T&R model is a good one for adultery:

1. A right on behalf of the betrayed to the truth.

2. No historical revisionism (in other words, no rewriting the history of the marriage, no minimization of the adulterous behavior).

3. Real remorse and a true apology.

4. Victims tell story and perpetrator must hear it.

5. Restitution freely offered by betrayer (post nuptial agreement, taking on more acts of service, giving of oneself more selflessly) and help victims of injustice heal.

...he was moved to a new section of the factory its about 10min drive away he doesn't even own a car

How do you know this? Make sure to confirm this yourself.

i'm doing investigations and saw it myself i know alot now i even ask some of my own people to be my eyes and if possible take pics and make videos of any sort so im sure in time i will definitely catch them out.

This is not a court of law. You only need enough proof to convince you.