Shame’s got to be one of the most recurrent words on this site, and I am starting to wonder if expanding the vocabulary might help us place natural feelings as opposed to natural, but destructive, feelings. Caveat here is that I assess these in the vacuum of only being able to gauge based off my examinations- I’m certain interpersonal dynamics cause effects I can’t firsthand understand.
I’ll start with definitions as pulled from my best friend Google:
Shame: A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
Guilt: Feeling responsible or regretful for a perceived offense, real or imaginary. (We’ll make the statement for WS that the offense is very real.)
In looking between these two, the definition of shame appears drastically more laden with emotion. And I think that is an accurate reflection of how a lot of us feel about the word shame. We can all think of times when we feel the immense weight of having done wrong, and just wanting to curl up and wish it away. In looking at guilt, it looks in contrast like the simple, objective analysis and acknowledgment that “Yes, I did x. I know it was wrong.”
That’s how I see these definitions and it mirrors how I approach them with one major distinction. I feel guilt about having betrayed my family. I at times devolve into shame, and allow myself those feelings of distress. However, I can’t live in distress. I CAN, however, live in guilt, ever cognizant of the pain that my betrayal has caused.
The important element of shame is the motivation to hide I mentioned above. Especially for people who prove to have an unreasonable regard for consequence, this urge to hide can be especially destructive. Simply put, anyone in distress (shame) can be expected to shut down to some degree. I think that becomes especially true of a cheater, alarmed at the reality of what they have done and unable to fix it. This sudden reality of consequence, from how I experienced it, was not an automatic motivator to become a better person. My instinct was simply put, to try to hide from the shame.
It was only when I had the time to get through the shame and overcome my humiliation that I could see the forest for the trees. That’s when my more rational guilt took the pain that I felt and placed it in the proper context, as far secondary to the pain felt by my victims.
My point- Shame is natural. This is a lot to admit to, and I commend the people who hang on here and own it. But shame needs to be transient, because if the distress remains, it distracts WSs from the real truth that lies beyond- That there are victims who have far more to deal with. That far side consists of guilt, which drives accountability. I can’t forget, but I need to keep emotions in check to focus where I need to, which is doing whatever I can for the family I hurt.