SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out on April 4th my wife is having an affair for 6-7 months. I knew something was up over the past couple months or so and she finally admitted it 2 days ago. I tracked her phone and she was at a hotel. I drove to the hotel but she left before I got there. When she got home I called her out on it and she denied it and said the GPS must be glitchy. I then took her phone and brought up her apple maps history and by my surprised it showed multiple hotels she’s been going to. She then admitted it.

My heart is broken. I love my wife and we have 3 kids. We’ve been married for over 15 years. I’m 42 and she’s 39. We are great friends but she has been complaining over the years I don’t put her first. We both work and I own a internet company that does require me to work odd hours some times, but also gives me the flexibility to pick up kids from school, go on vacations a lot that my wife always wants to go on. I also coach my kids travel sports teams and we are a very busy family. She says I put the kids before her all the time.

When she finally admitted it 2 days ago, I told her I am willing to work through it with her is she is. She said she doesn’t know. I asked her if she is in love with this other guy and she said she didn’t know. If they’ve been together for 6-7 months, I’m sure that she does or thinks she loves him. Over the past 2 days, I’ve been cordial with her and asking lots of questions.

The other guy is 36, 3 years younger than her. He is also married with kids. My wife told me he has mentioned to his wife he wants a divorce and told my wife he had an appointment scheduled to meet with an attorney, but that was before the Corona lockdown and the attorneys offices are closed (who knows how true this is). My wife has told him that I know about them. His wife supposedly knows he wants a divorce but doesn't know about their affair. She says she doesn’t know what she wants to do. She says she loves me and sorry that she did it. Sorry that I found out. She’s sorry but what I’m struggling with the most is if I got cheating, and my wife found out, I would end what ever I was doing to save my family.

In my opinion my wife priorities are screwed up. She’s gotten to be very selfish. For me, I think about our 3 kids, the life that we have/had. I do love her so much and even with her cheating, I feel we can overcome this. I'm not a quitter.

Over the past 2 days, i've been very emotional with her and she has said she didn't know I cared this much for her. I do think me opening up to her has made her re-think her exit strategy. I don't want her to feel pitty for me, but I do think she now understands how much she means to me.

My mind has been racing over the last 48 hours. One hour, I feel we can get through this, then the next I think back to the lies and sneaking around, and I just want to get a divorce. I read on forums that cheating spouses will say they will end it with the other person, but they don’t. If they think they are in love, then how do they just end it.

Im taking this day by day, and on day 3. My question is should I give her time to figure this all out. Obviously like most, they're financial concerns about one of us moving out.

The other question is the main underlying issue of why she had an affair in the first place. Let’s say she wants to repair our marriage, is the underlying issue of me not making her feel #1 just going to kick the can down the road. About 3 months ago, she told me she thought we should separate because I don’t put her first. Over the past 3 months, I’ve been trying my hardest to put her first, but if since she’s had a boyfriend the entire time, she doesn’t think I’m trying to put her first.

I guess just putting all my thoughts down here is part of the healing process, but I would like to get some feedback about giving her time to decide on what she wants to do. Part of me wants to move out tonight and let her really see what it’s like without me. Right now, she’s had this fairy tell affair, that’s not real life. I don’t think she’s even thought this all through.

Thanks

Welcome, southpaw. I’m sorry you are here, but you will get good advice on how to handle your situation. In my opinion, you’ve made a common mistake: offering reconciliation too soon.

You’ve put the fate of the M in her hands, and she’s already shown you she doesn’t have what it takes to keep it “out of the rocks”. You are allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. That has to stop ASAP.

I suggest you take some of that power back by letting her know that upon further reflection she’ll need to earn the right to reconcile your M, and then begin implementing the 180 to protect yourself from an untrustworthy spouse.

People here can help you, if you listen. You will also need to begin seeing things as they are and not as you wish them to be.

Good luck!

Hi southpaw:

Sorry you have to find yourself here, but you will receive good support. I think you will see a recurring theme. First get tested for STD’s ASAP. Take care of you. Eat healthy. Exercise as best you can during a pandemic. Yes you are correct. Your WW is being supremely selfish. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused her to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to. Cheaters love to try and blame shift to their BS’s. Otherwise they would have to face their own shitty behavior. Your WW wasn’t perfect and you didn’t cheat.

Expose her A to the OBS immediately. She deserves to know the truth about her M. The sooner you expose, the faster their little fantasy falls apart. Do not warn your WW you are doing this. She will warn her AP and make you out to be crazy.

One of the biggest mistakes a BS makes when dealing with the shock of dday is too immediately want to save the M and get the WS back. It is way too early to make this decision. Right now you are doing the pick me dance. It never works. It makes you look weak and pathetic in her eyes compared to the OM. Always value yourself. You can’t nice her back. You can’t force her to change. Read in the healing library. Read and implement the 180 as best you can during a pandemic. Stop doing things for her. Do not engage in idle chit chat. This is to give you space and allow you to detach and give you perspective from a position of strength to decide what YOU want. See an attorney to learn your rights. Be strong for your kids. You and your children did not deserve any of this. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:01 AM, April 6th (Monday)]

If you want to save your marriage, you can NOT be seen as a weak little man in her eyes! Do you think that is attractive to a woman?

Stop playing the Pick Me dance.

Be strong and decisive!!! Show her the man you are!

First, contact the other guys wife and tell her everything. Remember, cheaters lie, even to each other. That said, the odds of them about to go through a divorce are a long shot at best. And don’t tell your wife that you are about to tell the affair partner’s wife. That way, if she does find out, then you know she is still in contact with him.

Contact a divorce lawyer TODAY and set up a appointment ASAP! You can always stop the process down the road at any time.

Remember, a marriage is based upon love, respect, and trust.

Do you think a person that loved someone could sleep with another person for 6 or 7 months behind your back? Could a person that loved another could cause that person and the children so much pain?

Do you really trust her? Do you really think that you will ever truly Trust her again? I don’t care if it is 5 weeks from now, 5 years from now, or 50 years from now, whenever she is 10 minutes late, you will be wondering if she is in bed with someone else.

And as far as respect, this one doesn’t even need any explanation. It obvious that she doesn’t respect you.

I’m sorry, but you are still in shock. You will probably reject everything that I’ve written here, but please remember this post in a month or two from now, when you are able to think somewhat straight as to what she has done and the devastation she has caused.

Protect yourself and your kids.

Stay strong

And refuse to accept the Hell that she has put you in.

Good luck

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 11:47 AM, April 6th (Monday)]

I am so sorry for your pain. You are in a safe space here.

Please heed the advice given above. You might also consider consulting with an attorney ASAP. Most will do this over the phone, given our current orders to stay at home. Consulting an attorney doesn't mean you have to consider divorce. Just as it's too soon to offer reconciliation, it's too soon to make decisions about divorce.

However, talking to an attorney will prevent you from doing something that might have consequences later. You mention moving out of the home, and this may not be your best option in the long run, particularly if you want custody of your children.

Protect your children, yourself, your assets. Know your rights and your options. Be thoughtful and planful. She isn't thinking straight at this moment. You absolutely must.

This is going to be very difficult, no matter what happens moving forward. I wish you strength and encourage you to check in here often.

Southpaw. Can you explain exactly how she has put YOU first over the years? Were you rejecting her efforts?

First of all, my heart goes out to you. It seems kind of cut and dried. She's acting like she's checked out, and therefore, she has "permission" to sleep with other men, because it makes up for that need she has.

So let's talk about her motivations for committing adultery. You say she has said you don't put her first. What does that mean, in context? Are you in a partnership? Is she describing a situation where her wants and needs are paramount, above yours? Is this about simple attention? You acting like you take her for granted? Or are you not affectionate enough? Or do you give off the impression she doesn't matter to you? All of these things are a pretty serious symptoms of a marriage that needs some work, I won't sugar coat it. Yet, I've never liked the phrase "you don't put ME first.." It always sounds just a little selfish. Do you feel like SHE puts you first? It doesn't seem like it. Her response to you when you asked if she wants to divorce certainly doesn't indicate your wants or needs are something she "puts first". Like for instance, your wanting to be be in a marriage without infidelity, or your need to feel safe in your own marriage. That's a couple of wants and needs she certainly didn't put first. To circle around to the point-- there's a lot of marriages out there that seem perfect, but all marriages have their problems-- they are a union of two people who have to learn how to compromise each and every day if they want things to last. So all marriages have issues. You know what most marriages don't do to resolve them? Have a partner go out and commit adultery. It's a hard line to cross. Trust gets broken, never to return. Intimacy will become a challenge. Moreover, she has to want to put in the major effort it will take to regain your trust and feeling of safety as her partner. A tepid "I don't know" isn't the right answer. She gets an F today. The thing is, she DOES know what she wants. She wants to have you for the security and to screw the other guy. That's the long and short of it. If that is unacceptable to you, you are on the hook to tell her, in no uncertain terms that:

"I understand that you have become involved in infidelity. This man may give fulfill needs that obviously you think I can't. I want you to be happy, but I deserve to be happy, too. I will not accept, or tolerate, another party in this marriage. That is the hard boundary here. If you want to go be with this man, they you must tell me. "I don't know" isn't an answer. If this is what you want, I will file papers immediately and hope we can be civil going forward. If you wish to reconcile, you must convince me you want to. Right now, you aren't making the effort to make me believe you".

Obviously, tons of people are going to chime in with the follow ups: get an STD check. Work out a lot. Eat right. SEE A LAWYER. Start reading. If she says she will go No Contact with the AP, you have to follow that up. Get a timeline..

All of this is good stuff. You already know she committed adultery. So retain your proof and her confession, in case you need it. Good luck to you, your story is a sad one.

So i just talked to my again and took a harder line and not the pathetic route.

i just told my wife that after reflecting more, I am not ready yet take her back and start the repair process. She agreed.

I told her before I even consider thinking of repairing she needs to prove to me she wants it.

I told her that if anyone moves out, it would be her. She agreed. On a side note, we have rental condo that we are selling, so we have to decide to tell the realtor to take it off the market. I asked her if I should call the realtor today and tell them to take it off the market and she said to hold off for a little bit.

She said she's confused. Asked if she could stay in the house for a little longer. I told her as long as she doesn't text, call or see the other guy.

She didn't say anything after that.

The way I sum it up is she's really into this guy and think he will make her happy forever. She's now strarting to find out how complicated divorce is. I went through my parents divorce when i was 10, so I know how expensive, and hard it is on everyone.

I asked both my parents a while back if they would do it all over again, and they both said "probably not". To my knowlege though they didn't get a divorce over infidelity.

Hi southpaw, welcome, and I'm very sorry you are here.

When I was reading your post, it sounded a lot like mine. At day 3, no doubt your emotions are all over the place. They will be all over the place for some time. Took me 6-9 months to come to some sense of normalcy.

Your WW was blindsided, just like you. Your comment about if this had been you, you would be doing anything to save your marriage was telling. I felt the exact same. Your WW is in a relationship with another man, and would appear she had no plans to end things. They were disrupted by you finding out.

If it were me, and believe me, I would have done things differently on my dday's, I would expose the A to the other man's wife. She deserves to know. Your WW will likely lose her shit over this, but she deserves to know the truth. I would doubt that the other man was already moving towards divorce, just a line to make it easier for your WW to sleep with him.

There's a lot of good advice on this thread. Newlifeifgreat said it best. Reread his post.

Your wife is playing for time. At this stage of the game if she really felt that she had made a mistake with the affair she'd be beside herself trying to make up for it. She isn't. She's tried to blame you for forcing her to screw this other guy. There is absolutely nothing you could have possibly said or done that caused that. Did she even once ask to talk to you about these things that you do that are so bad that they forced her to bang another guy? I doubt it.

The best thing you can do right now is lawyer up, protect your financial assets and tell the other guy's wife. Do all of this as soon as possible. And don't tell your wife that you are doing it.

This will not put a final nail in your marriage. If your wife has any interest in saving it she'd need to be done with the affair anyway. And the other guy's wife deserves to know.

As you probably already know deep down the odds that your marriage is going to ever be repaired are small. While you may hope for this your wife is at best 'confused'. That's just another way of saying - count me in if the affair doesn't pan out.

It is good that you are taking a firmer stance. You will get through this. You didn't deserve it but your character will prevail.

Good luck to you.

I can write more later, and I’d still like to know the answer to my other question but I want to leave you with this one fact:

You can not reconcile with a wayward spouse who still has feelings for another man. It won’t work. She first needs to go work thru those feelings and get to a point where she sees him for the piece of shit he really is. Only then can work start.

So simply tell her you cannot be in a relationship where your partner loves and cares for someone else more than you. Tell her she’s free to pursue her heart and you will work to heal yours alone and find your way out of the relationship she has destroyed.

Then leave it at that. No more talk. Inform the other guys wife what is going on. Don’t assume she knows just cuz they told you.

And start focusing on you. You did nothing to deserve this. Her line about putting her number 1 is bullshit. As I asked, how did she put you number 1 any different?

She needs months of individual therapy to work thru the issues that caused her to make these awful choices before she’d ever be ready to work on your relationship. She needs to proactively want to do that herself. You can’t make her do it.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:14 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

I'm so sorry. What you shared is excruciating. Your story is, unfortunately, a common one. So too is the betrayed spouse taking the blame as you are.

The selfishness of a cheating spouse still never ceases to amaze me. She wasn't happy in her marriage? So are a lot of people. People who don't cheat! If she felt neglected she should have spoken to you about it. She should have sought counseling. She should not have blown up her family so she could feel "special" and "important" to some guy who sneaks around in order to steal what doesn't belong to him. I'm sorry to be harsh, but they both sacrificed their spouse's and children's sense of security and home for ego strokes. For excitement. For cheap sex. I know you feel broken. But that should also make you angry.

You've gotten a lot of good advice already. You cannot control what she does, but you can stop her from walking all over you and taking you for granted. (She is gaslighting and saying she felt ignored, but she is the one who has been taking your loyalty for granted.) A lot of change needs to occur before you can even consider if she is a candidate for reconciliation. The first of which is her coming to a true remorse and taking complete responsibility for her choices. After that there would be a lot of work she needs to do. Years of work.

Again, I am so sorry she broke your heart. You deserve better than her excuses. You don't have to decide right now about reconciliation. But you can and should focus on you. And on your children. Counseling for you and them. The good news is that as you are ready you can heal with or without her. Read through the healing library up at the left hand corner menu. There is also a Betrayed Men's page in the "I can Relate" section.

1) EXPOSE her A with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) and with ALL family and close friends TODAY !! and without warning for maximum impact, throw a wrench in their plans. After exposure the OM will probably throw your WW under the bus to save his own M, she will see she was nothing but a cheap side piece to him. Nothing kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE, it also takes away the "beautiful, exciting and romantic" aspect of it and replaces it with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the A, the more she will hate OM and therefore increasing your chances to R if that's still what you want at that point. Again do it today and without warning, we've literally seen this play out THOUSANDS of times here and other websites. Make sure you mention OM's name when you expose to family and close friends, without exposure she was thinking of introducing OM to them after the separation as someone she just met, don't allow her to control the narrative.

2) Demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health behind your back. Let her do the walk of shame to the doctor's office, it helps with remorse, btw she's NOT remorseful and just regrets getting caught.

3) In order to R, she needs to send an NC FOREVER text to OM in front of you (short and to the point, no sweet goodbyes) and then block him from everything, phone, social media, emails, etc., if OM tries to contact her again, she needs to let you know immediately.

4) She also needs to offer FULL ON DEMAND access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, no questions asked.

5) Consult an attorney to know your legal options ASAP, they have been planning this and she's ahead of you in this aspect, you need to catch up ASAP, knowledge is power, ask the attorney about a postnup.

6) If she wants R, tell her she must stay in the home, moving to "clear her head" and to "have space" is just more time to test drive her boyfriend without you interfering.

7) Demand she goes to IC (Not MC) to find out her why's, why she gave herself permission to cheat, remember cheating is not a "mistake" it's a deliberate choice that takes lots of planning and lying.

Others will chime in with more advice, you'd be wise to heed it, keep posting, this is a crucial time, you're in the fight of your life and your WW is on the other side for now, in general, those who act decisively have much better results, EXPOSE today and let the chips fall where they may, don't be an accomplice by helping them hide the A.

Also like others said, the "Pick me dance" NEVER works and makes you look weak. It takes between 2-5 years to recover from infidelity under the best circumstances and with a fully remorseful spouse doing all the necessary work to help restore the M, right now she's still in an ACTIVE A and that makes R impossible at this point, so again EXPOSE today in an effort to kill the A and watch her actions.

Nothing kills an affair like exposure.

NOTIFY the OBS immediately. Do not believe anything your wife says about the OM's marriage. Do not warn your wife or she will warn the OM (and he will destroy your credibility).

The OBS is your best ally and she deserves to know.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:05 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

I hate the "I don't knows" that a WW says. She is trying to bide her time. Tell the other man's wife immediately. That man is most likely lying to your wife so he can continue to get sex from her. Once he learns that his wife knows, most likely, he will end it and throw your wife under the bus. But in the meantime, I would look into divorce, see if you can protect yourself. If you want R, and you are confident that she does too, then demand access to her phone, emails, and social media. Have her do a timeline on the affair from beginning to present. Have her send a NC letter and block him on everything: phone, facebook, email, and whatever she uses to contact him. I will be praying for you. This crap is hard.

SouthPaw

Look between the lines when a WS says I don't know.

That says you are now permanent 2nd base on the ball team she manages. Or until a new draft comes along, then you're benched altogether.

Man I miss hockey and baseball.....

Her asking for a delay means only one thing. She now wants to go back to the OM and get his offer. She is trying to see if he is going to leave his wife. If so she is out the door and if not she will tell you she wants to "work on the marriage". Call BS on this right now!

Oh and tell the OM's wife, the OBS, she deserves to know and I would give odds of 75% at least that she is going to be surprised to know that she is just waiting for Corona lockdown to end to get her Divorce started. My guess is your WW is lying to you or the OM is lying to her.

She said she's confused.

I told her that if anyone moves out, it would be her. She agreed.

Right there is the handwriting on the wall.

She’s confused translates to “I’m not brave enough to tell you I want to end the marriage”.

She agrees to move out means she has free reign and ability to continue the affair. Maybe have the AP move in with her so they can test drive their relationship.

Neither of these are good signs that she wants the marriage.

I’m pointing this out b/c often the words of the cheater don’t match their actions. And the cheater’s actions usually are more truthful and spot on than their words.

Do not be lulled into false reconciliation b/c she likes her nice easy lifestyle with you and she doesn’t have to worry about $ or custody/schedules etc.

And by the way - her excuses are just crap as to why she “believes” she was unhappy. Just an excuse to justify her affair and cheating.

I want to say thanks to everyone as its all good advice.

I would like to know if anyone on this forum has successfully repaired their marriage? Can someone share their story?

She told me the other guys said he's getting a divorce regardless of what she does. I told her to rip the band aid off and don't sugarcoat it. I can handle it.

She said she just didn't think things through and doesn't know what she wants.

I am trying to find out the other wife to contact her so i'm already working on that.

I am going to hand her a demand list in order for her to stay in the house.

1. I must have all social media password and can check her phone anytime and she will be on lock down. Obviously can't do this for ever but for the time being.

2. If I find she texts him, meets him, she is out of the house and I will tell our kids what really happened. I told her parents and she's ashamed to even talk to them.

The alternative is she moves out now and we file for divorce.

Any other ideas? I hate to threaten telling our kids the truth but they will find out eventually.