SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The following are some musings I've had that may help others prepare for D-day. I wish I knew then what I do now. If so, I may have handled things differently.

These are just a few ideas you might find useful in confronting your WS during D-day or after D-day:

Dear WS, today is Discovery Day and you’re busted. You cheated on me. Do you remember on our wedding day how we both pledged our undying love to one another? Do you remember your promise to be faithful? We now both know that your pledges and promises to me are worthless. This goes directly to your character and who you really are on the inside. I can no longer consider you to be the man/woman I fell in love with.

As a personal favor to you and to help you understand, I am presenting you with an emotional word picture: you have eviscerated me. You have reached into my chest, pulled out my beating heart, tossed it on the ground and trampled it.

I am now going to say some things to you that may hurt your feelings, but I can assure none of my comments or questions will make you pain level equal to mine.

As you were so willing to throw away your integrity, to shelter your affair in lies, prevarication, misleading comments and sneaking behind my back, I can no longer trust you. My trusting you has ended up on the dung heap your cheating has brought into our marriage. Let me repeat, I no longer trust you. Period!

I am going to ask you several questions. You are going to hesitate to answer all or most of my questions. You’re going to say things like, “Why can’t you just trust me?” When those words escape your lips, I encourage you to read the paragraph immediately above this one. You are unworthy of trust. If I decide to stay with you, my trust will be something you have to fight for an earn.

Based on this latest reveal of your lack of integrity, you will start sharing trickle truths. You will try to explain things partially and in a way that puts you in the best light possible. You will be thinking that what I don’t know won’t hurt me. But what you are really thinking is what I don’t know won’t hurt you. In other words, you will lie through your teeth. You will pretend to have sympathy for me, but we both know now that the number one person in your life is you. My advice to you is to be immediately honest with me. I will let you know right from the start that every half-truth you share will be considered a 100% lie and betrayal. Dishonesty from this point on will be considered another D-day.

At this point, the marriage we had is dead. You are the perpetrator who plunged a knife into the heart of our marriage and thus you are totally and completely responsible for what you did and what may happen in the future. The onus is on you.

At this point, I have not decided whether to stay in a marriage you killed. It seems fruitless for me to place my hopes on a dead body. I give you no hope or expectation, at this time, for me remaining as your spouse. Again, you caused this, it is your responsibility to put in the effort to breathe life back in to what you destroyed.

Here are some questions I have for you. Based on your lack of character, I anticipate you will lie in every answer. Here is a caveat for you to consider: if you lie, you leave. I am demanding that you answer the following questions in writing, we will discuss them repeatedly and I will look for evidence of dishonesty.

1.) When did this affair begin?

2.) How did it begin?

3.) How often did you have sex?

4.) Describe the sexual relationship in detail…what did you do and when. Be specific.

5.) Did you tell him/her you love them?

6.) Do you love them?

7.) When did you start hating me? Don’t claim you never hated me, because no one does what you did to a person they love.

8.) How much money did you spend on your affair(s)?

9.) Where did you meet?

10.) Do you work with this person?

11.) How did you meet?

12.) Does your AP know you’re married?

13.) Do they realize that you are a dishonest person who cheats on his/her spouse?

14.) Are you willing to get tested for STDs? I am, and if your affair caused me to get an STD, we will have another set of new problems.

15.) How often are you communicating with your affair partner?

16.) What methods of communication are you using?

17.) What is his/her name?

18.) What is his/her phone number?

19.) Is he/she married?

20.) Are you willing to end the affair immediately?

21.) If you claim that you are willing to end the affair now, why wait. Call your AP right now, put him/her on speaker and tell them I know, and you are ending the affair and will have no further contact. Demand they stop contacting you. Will you do that now?

22.) Is your desire to stay in our marriage?

23.) What is the major malfunction in your character that let you to stray?

24.) You will be tempted to blame me for your affair. That will be like jumping out of a plane without a parachute and blaming the ground as the cause for your dismal finish. Are you going to accept responsibility for your behavior?

25.) Who else knows about your affair?

26.) Is there anyone you don’t want to know about your affair? If so, you should’ve thought about the loss of your reputation before cheating.

27.) Did you have sex with your AP in our home, in our bed?

28.) Are you willing to tell your parents, our children, siblings, etc. about your affair?

29.) When and where was the last time you had sex with your AP?

30.) What are your hopes and expectations for me/us in the future?

31.) Would you like a divorce?

At this point, I have not decided what actions I am going to take. But be sure of this, as I no longer trust you, as you have killed our marriage, I will be taking steps to protect myself, our children and my future. My future may not include you. But you decided destroying me and our marriage was an acceptable risk. Bad choice.

Now, you will be tempted to ask me what I am willing to do to save our marriage. Are you ready for the answer? Absolutely nothing. I was saving our marriage long before you decided to cheat. I was saving our marriage by remaining faithful. My fidelity, along with my love, are both sure signs of my commitment. Neither of those mattered to you and you cheated. It is no longer up to me to save the marriage you murdered. You are the responsible party. You are the one who needs to commit all your efforts. You will not place any expectations on me to save our marriage. I will listen, observe and react to your efforts. I make no promises to you as I have to filter my future commitment through eyes that have seen your betrayal for what it is: vile, gross, disrespectful, unloving, hateful and unambiguously selfish. None of those are traits of which that I can submit my trust.

One final question:

Was it worth what you’ve lost?

Please feel free to add anything to this outline. My goal is to give those betrayed some added tools for thought.

I mistakenly thought this post would gain more interest.

It's a very good post, unfortunately I did everything wrong and most questions that got an answer was essentially gaslighting. But the ending you wrote, that is where I am right now, some of those words may be memorized and said verbatim one day. Your last paragraph captured me and I thank you for that.

It's a good post - but I don't have anything to add. It seems like a sticky-type post.

I mistakenly thought this post would gain more interest.[

quote]

Holy moly batman , that was amazing

Actually, this is a post I will refer to in the future in advising those at the beginning of their journey.

It is an excellent compendium of the questions that need to be asked.

I always advise those going into a confrontation to have a written list of the things they want to say so as to avoid being led off the trail by emotion.

I would add that the answers to these questions will be back checked by poly exam(s) later.

Great job. I have followed your story from the beginning.

7.) When did you start hating me? Don’t claim you never hated me, because no one does what you did to a person they love.

The big issue I have is with this one. First of all, it does nothing productive except let the BS feel like they're getting a cheap shot in.

Second of all, it misses the important point that cheating is not about the BS, it's about the WS. So of course it's perfectly possible to "do it to someone you love", because you're not thinking about them at all. The WS is doing something, they're not doing it to the BS. Totally different thought process.

I do not honestly believe most WS hate their BS. Maybe they're bored, maybe they think specific negative things... but I don't think I've ever seen anyone who genuinely hates their spouse.

I mistakenly thought this post would gain more interest.

I liked it. A lot, actually. Since I agreed with it so much, I didn't have anything to add.

So this is a bump for your post. I am making amends.

The big issue I have is with this one. First of all, it does nothing productive except let the BS feel like they're getting a cheap shot in.

A cheap shot? The only cheap thing with respect to this post is the value the WS put on their marriage and the BS.

Second of all, it misses the important point that cheating is not about the BS, it's about the WS.

I think the post specifically exonerates the BS of any responsibility for their WS's behavior. THE ONUS IS ON THE WS.

So of course it's perfectly possible to "do it to someone you love", because you're not thinking about them at all.

Forgive me for saying this, but I disagree. You don't do this to someone you love. You do this because your focus (speaking of the WS) is on your own selfish desires.

The WS is doing something, they're not doing it to the BS.Totally different thought process.

Well, if they're not doing it to their BS, then no big deal; no harm no foul? In fact the WS is doing something to their BS. They are betraying the fidelity they promised. Ask the majority og BS's if they felt like their spouses infidelity did something to them.

I do not honestly believe most WS hate their BS.

YOU DON'T CHEAT ON SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

Maybe they're bored, maybe they think specific negative things...

With those words you just placed the potential blame on the BS.

but I don't think I've ever seen anyone who genuinely hates their spouse.

Infidelity at its heart is hatred for one's spouse. Call it anything you want, but don't try to tell me it is possible to cheat on someone you claim to love, while holding on to that love. I'll say it one more time: YOU DON'T CHEAT ON SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

I liked it. A lot, actually. Since I agreed with it so much, I didn't have anything to add.

So this is a bump for your post. I am making amends.

Thanks, thatbpguy

Life isn't black and white; it's all in the shades of gray.

Repeating something over and over will not make it true. But if you do in fact view things in such a manner, there is no point in my attempting to get you to see things otherwise, so I won't. My comment was for the benefit of others reading.

There is not ever only one way to view things. That would be extraordinarily self-centred to believe such.

Life isn't black and white; it's all in the shades of gray.

Does 1 + 1 = 2? Not everything is shades of gray. Based on your logic, infidelity is just another one of those gray areas. Tell that to someone destroyed by infidelity,

Repeating something over and over will not make it true.

In his case the repetition isn't for the sake of making something that is already true, true; except perhaps for you.

But if you do in fact view things in such a manner, there is no point in my attempting to get you to see things otherwise, so I won't.

Good choice. I once had someone try to convince me that gravity didn't exist. Their belief didn't keep me from strapping on a parachute when I jumped out of a plane.

My comment was for the benefit of others reading.

And it is your right to comment. Perhaps you'll shake things up and convince BS's that their is no need for them to be upset about their spouses choice to cheat. Lots of luck with that.

There is not ever only one way to view things.

Sure, there is plenty of room for someone to be wrong.

That would be extraordinarily self-centred to believe such.

And yet you believe your views to be correct? Thank you for the reveal.

Perhaps you'll shake things up and convince BS's that their is no need for them to be upset about their spouses choice to cheat. Lots of luck with that.

Logical fallacy- you may want to consider when you're expressing your thoughts. I have never, at any point, said that BS shouldn't be upset. I said that it does not mean the WS doesn't love them. Please do not put words in my mouth.

Life is not universal. I think it is important to recognize that we all have different thoughts and feelings and experiences.

Logical fallacy

No it isn't. I have not put words in your mouth. I have simply looked at the entirety of what you said.

Life is not universal. I think it is important to recognize that we all have different thoughts and feelings and experiences.

We all have different thoughts and feelings and experiences. This is obviously true. You and I disagree. I have no problem with us disagreeing. You see things your way and I see things my way. We have opinions that differ. That is to be expected.

But, you are never going to convince me that an affair is a loving act.

But, you are never going to convince me that an affair is a loving act.

Once again, not what I said. I said it does not mean the WS hates their spouse. Those are not identical things. You are indeed twisting my words.

If you believe that's what I am saying, then you may want to consider how you analyze things. I am very clear. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. If you attempt to try and extrapolate further, recognize that you are bringing your own bias as you do so.

[This message edited by PSTI at 4:36 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

I'm curious, does polyamory play into your positions on this subject? (By the way, your choice of polyamory is not something that bothers me in the least; not that it matters to you. I am just curious as your opinions on some issues seem to be a bit out of mainstream thought, No offense intended.)

incidentally, my positions on issues are deeply affected by certain choices I've made in my life.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 4:40 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

I don't see how that would be relevant in the slightest.

What I'm saying is that I think you need to remember that the affair was not about the BS, period. The BS was very likely irrelevant to the decision to have the affair. That's the conventional wisdom here at SI, yes?

So it's neither a loving act nor a hateful act. It is just an action taken by the WS. Not everything is about our spouse, right?

Loving and hateful acts are about intentionality, to my mind. If there is no intentionality, then it's not loving or hateful as an act, regardless of the good or bad that is caused.

I don't see how that would be relevant in the slightest.

you're correct. It is not relevant.

What I'm saying is that I think you need to remember that the affair was not about the BS, period.

I think this is a bit too simplistic. All affairs are about the BS. One could say, "Honey, my affair was not about you; In fact, I wasn't thinking of you at all."

A statement like that shows that the BS has no value to the WS.

The BS was very likely irrelevant to the decision to have the affair. That's the conventional wisdom here at SI, yes?

Irrelevance is not love.

So it's neither a loving act nor a hateful act. It is just an action taken by the WS.

ON that let's just agree to disagree.

Not everything is about our spouse, right?

I think that in a healthy marriage a spouse is central to everything we do.

Loving and hateful acts are about intentionality, to my mind. If there is no intentionality, then it's not loving or hateful as an act, regardless of the good or bad that is caused.

An affair is an intentional unloving betrayal of one's spouse.

I think that in a healthy marriage a spouse is central to everything we do.

This sounds seriously codependent to me.

A marriage is two individuals. My husband and I will both make many decisions and actions every day.

Affairs are horrific betrayals of trust. However, I stand by my belief that they do not mean that the WS hates the BS. I think that is rather a large leap.

All the best to you. If you genuinely believed such a thing, I don't know how anyone could ever possibly reconcile. How could you want to stay married to someone who you believe hates you?