When I was awarded the paid off house, I was over the moon. I felt like I had slayed a dragon with a slingshot.
I went to a restaurant, high on adrenaline, and excitement. I called my parents, my daughter, and had a glass of wine. I knew he was livid, and filled with rage over the settlement and what I received.
When the excitement wore off it was a different feeling. I changed everything. I painted walls, took down anything that was ours, and put up new photos in frames I painted. I decorated my heart out, while doing it on a dime.
I spent hours painting things from the Goodwill to hang. Artwork, frames, new fun photos of the kids. I painted salad bowls in vibrant colors and hung them in the kitchen on the walls. I put canvas material on frames and made my kitchen a whole new space.
I bought new living room, bookcases, tv stand, kitchen furniture. I got rid of the sad old stuff we had from years of kids.
I bought a patio fire pit table, and planted flowers. I replaced the carpet downstairs with wood flooring, and redecorated my bedroom. Nothing looked the same.
In time the euphoria wore off, and I sometimes struggled with the "house" being a reminder of my time with him. It still whispers at times from the corners, hinting at memories that were part of my life for so many years. It's mine, it's familiar but it's also a place that sometimes I want to escape from. I often wonder if it would have been better for me to have a new place with no memories.
Don't get me wrong. I love the house, just not the memories that seep through the cracks from time to time. It's what you make it, so make it yours in every way. Enjoy it and celebrate it, but expect that you may encounter some wishy washy feelings from time to time as reminders surface.
It is wonderful to change things, without having anyone to critique your choices. It's fun to go wild with anything you wanted or dreamed about but never could do when together. Now is that time.
