Hi, been lurking for months and never had the courage to post, but today I just need some help to wake me up or tell me I'm a fucking lunatic and need to stop.
So, on 23rd September 2019 I got a call from the CID - criminal investigation department - (UK based here) to ask me about my history with an "ex" as there has been a serious allegation made against him. This confused me because as far as I knew it, I didn't have an ex, I had a current partner. I didn't press on that matter at the time but I asked what the allegation was, and was told he is being investigated for a rape allegation made against him. I didn't really think much of it in the there and then, and I don't remember feeling a strong surge of emotions, just that it must be a mistake.
When I got off the phone, he came into the kitchen where I was and I asked him "what have you done?" I don't recall if he knew what I was asking of him right away, or if I had to tell him or not who I just spoke with, but I do recall hearing "obviously I have cheated on you". He told me he had a ONS. I don't think I asked who it was right away. I just wanted to leave. He denied the rape and for some reason I tended to believe that. I still do. For the days and weeks that followed I did spend a lot of time researching information online about his situation, though the investigation was dropped a couple months later due to "insufficient evidence".
I am really hazy about the specifics now, DD and the days that followed are an absolute blur of misery and tears. I think it was on DD it occurred to me who it would be. It for some reason popped into my head and I outright asked if it was her. He confirmed it was. She was a colleague. She, who had tried to kill herself countless times and who he had visited in hospital on one of her "attempts". He got down with that. I would go to his/her workplace often after my shift and she'd serve me at the till, and now I wonder if she really knew who I was all this time. And was she smiling at me not out of niceness, but smirking at me because she'd stolen my partner from me? He thinks she has no idea who I am. But she knows my name. She knows where I worked. And I wore a name badge each time I'd visit her place of work.
It was exactly a month later I'd discover the ONS was actually an extended period of chit chat of at least 8 months over Facebook and meet ups at hers and other places. And she'd been in my home. Oh and how did I find out? Because something didn't sit right with me. I switched his laptop on when he was at work one night and went on the hunt. And DD 2 arrived. I can't even express the sickness that rose in me when I proved myself right. I didn't know what the hell to even do with my body as I witnessed their chats. Some of it was too intimate to bear.
Days later I decided to take the plunge and face the conversations in full again and logged into his FB account on my own laptop. I felt I could handle it there and then, all that they discussed, the image flashing up of her naked, the fact she knew all of his sexual preferences and that she'd bought him a present for his birthday. That he said she had friendly hair. And had said ILY. I felt so brave and in charge knowing. But it broke my heart and sent me into hysterics for weeks on end. I didn't eat or sleep much naturally, I've had so many drunken, teary and violent outbursts and I'm ashamed about my lack of composure at times.
And since then, I've just spiralled. He has apologised countless times. He has wept and begged me to stop with the barrage of texts and calls every night he went to work with his rape accuser. I have become manipulative and threatened suicide. I have threatened to trash his car, which is in his name but I solely paid for. I have screamed at the top of my lungs drunk and hurt so many nights which he just fled from. There have been violent incidents. I have lunged at him with my fists and he has retaliated. We decided he should get his own place because of this, as the last incident ended up with him in a cell for a few hours of the night. I swung first. He was not the perpetrator. He laughed so hard in my face though after he shoved me that I rang the Police. I was in so much physical pain after this for a week or two, but he has said he will never forget that I did that to him, and likens me to his rape accuser.
I still loved him though. No matter how toxic and out of hand it was all becoming. I pleaded with him to give up the flat because I didn't really want us to separate. If we were to get through it, we had to be together. He agreed to my terms of coming back to me but didn't end the lease on his flat. I still felt unsatisfied and I kept digging. I found out there was another act of betrayal committed against me in August 2017. He worked with her too. They slept with each other, without protection. I still to this day do not know the full story. I felt like after this release of information I initially felt "OK, this is what he is.. time to move on"... But I haven't. I unearthed this new information in April 2020 and he STILL covered up the entirety of what happened. I relentlessly tried to sign into his FB/snapchat/email etc since in an attempt to piece it all together. He has viewed all this unauthorised access of his accounts as an attempt to "hack" into his privacy, and threatened me with action if I continue.
I have become so needy and pathetic. I have not stopped in my angry tirade against him. He eventually called the Police on me because I threatened to contact his rape accuser for answers and to smash the car up. I got drunk and mental, as I have so often, but this night, he contacted the Police and put me on speakerphone to them while I was having an episode. They threatened me with a criminal record if I contacted him again.
I made a poor attempt at suicide/attention in front of him since. He just drove away.
He returned some of my things today, I crumbled. He told me to fuck off after I pleaded to speak with him.
Please tell me I deserve better, or I'm unhinged and need some help.
