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NeverEnough28 (original poster member #58215) posted at 10:37 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
I'm miserable without him, and he's happier without me. I had a good life. Why did I ruin it? I just can't find a reason as to why I destroyed everything I had. I feel like I'm walking around with a mask on, faking it until I can go home and just drown in my pain. He's living a better life without me and I just feel like I was nothing but a burden to him.
I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I may be knocked down, but I'm not knocked out.
maise ( member #69516) posted at 11:22 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
I'm walking around with a mask on, faking it until I can go home and just drown in my pain.
This is what you need to address. The masks, the fake-ness that allows you to be capable of deception. Address your pain and become someone that’s real, that shows up for you so that you can show up for someone else. You can’t help bring something to the table for someone else until you learn to do it for yourself first. You cheated, a part of you was ok with this. A part of you allowed this. A part of you didn’t have standards within yourself to stop. You were desperate for something, and that desperation was so great that going thru with cheating was worth it. You have to figure out what this is. A therapist can help you tap into this part of yourself.
BW (SSM) D-Day: 6/9/2018 Status: Divorced
"Our task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
— Rumi
Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 1:09 AM on Thursday, August 27th, 2020
I'm miserable without him, and he's happier without me. I had a good life. Why did I ruin it? I just can't find a reason as to why I destroyed everything I had. I feel like I'm walking around with a mask on, faking it until I can go home and just drown in my pain. He's living a better life without me and I just feel like I was nothing but a burden to him.
I’m sorry this happened. I think my WW has some of the same thoughts altho we aren’t yet divorced. I told her earlier this month I want a divorce. I would recommend to you what I’ve urged her to do which is to spend some time really trying to figure this out.
"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."
BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19
nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 4:43 PM on Thursday, August 27th, 2020
NE, please get an IC. Please reach out to an advocacy for sexual abuse survivors. It's not even clear if you even belong on the WS forum. Please take care of yourself and stop blaming yourself for your assault and your WH's cold behavior towards finding out about your victimization.
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