Many different emotions today..
Today marks the day that NC is in effect. My BS is going to leave for a trip, idk where to or for how long. The reason for the trip is so he can heal himself as much as possible.
Yesterday he stopped by and requested to read my journal. He wanted to see where I am at in my head. I asked him to stay safe before he left. He asked me to continue to fight to become a better person. I do not know what his thoughts were after reading my journal and I am honestly afraid of them. I want him to heal and do what is best for him. I am determined to continue fighting and I will keep my promise to him. Knowing my words don't mean anything at this time and may never and that my actions may never mean anything either.
I feel like all that is in me is loss right now. A death of the person I loved most. He died because of me. I must trust that he is going to do what is best for him and in the mean time I must focus on the here and now. All I can control - myself.
Here I am today, struggling. I had an appointment with the IC and honestly I don't think I will go see her again. I am unsure what to think. She is great with uncovering my deep feelings I've been carrying around with me, but she also sees me as a "victim". She says she is seeing so much suffering within me..that she is welcoming all my parts to be part of me, the good and the bad.. she said that she is not excusing what I did/ that it is nor her intention but that she feels like it was my BS that did not see my suffering, not that he caused it but that he wanted me to be what he wanted and that he did not care about the wounds within me. He did not see them. Stuff like that is what she said..- I wholeheartedly disagreed with her. I confronted her about the fact that I do not want pity and that I am the cause why my BS is suffering. I told her straight up that I disagreed with her. (Which I am proud of myself I did that, a few weeks, heck even days ago I would not have stood up against her). I told her that how could my BS have known something was wrong if, for the longest time I even hid it from myself. How could he have known when I did not communicate. Well he couldn't have know. And none of that excuses the fact that I had an affair. So I made that very clear to her. And it made me so angry she would think like that of my BS, while I am the pile of trash sitting in front of her that caused him such harm!
I must say on this note that I am switching insurance plans due to work so I am unsure at this time when I will be able to go to IC again. I will do it as soon as I can. - with a different counselor.
Any advice is appreciated regarding my situation.
Do you have any suggestions how to find a good counselor that specializes in this field?..
*I struggled to find the right title for this post.. and apologize for typos and english is not my first language - that mixed with emotions can sometimes really affect my ability to express myself correctly in the way I mean to.