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I'm husband of 13 years with no history of infidelity has had an affair with a outstanding beautiful transgender woman that lives in other country for 8 months through covid and wanted a temporary separation lasting two months. which I found in he met her and spend a week with her. Now wants our marriage back. He feels meeting her was just something he needed to do. I'm trying but going through the normal affair emotions. With just the added worry that I'm not what or who he is looking for I know he has had a strong attraction to transgender woman as I've seen previously porn history which I have never dicuss with him. I mean this woman was a beautiful woman so dose this mean that he is attracted to me as a woman. I feel that being back with the woman that he been with for 13years is boring to the high intense excitement he has. Has anyone experience getting their marriage back on tract

Bea,

No experience, but I would suggest .....

STD testing.

Polygraph.

This is a trans male to female, was the male member still there or was it replaced with a fake female area?

Yeh all testing been done. I did ask if the AP was fully or part trans he did say fully transgender. Which I feel would help me know more about his sexuality. I have never thought he was atracted to woman I I meant if she is fully transgender she is a woman. I just don't know and worry I'm not exactly want he atracted to now. I have given him every opportunity to be with her said I would fully support his new relationship I want him to be happy as we have a child together and we could remain friends. But he say he fully choses me he never wanted to leave all this has kind of brought us together as I think when I first found out I thought it was over I he seen I was ready to move on. Unfortunately lie detector aren't ready available as I'm in the UK but thank you for your advice I'm going to look into it anyway

Try reading through a copy of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. In it, the author explains in detail the effect this kind of abandonment has on both our mind and body. It's always good to have the brain science so we can see that we're NOT overreacting or abnormal. Adultery is, at its core, an abandonment wound and as human animals, we are hardwired from birth to fear it. I like this book also because the author does provide some tools to start us down the path to inner strength and self-reliance.

Perhaps once you're more assured of yourself, you'll feel more comfortable in whatever choice you make. Until then, I'd let the WH cool his heels. This is YOUR life. He's had his choices, now you get to make yours. Take your time making them, remembering that you DO deserve better and that by allowing him back, you're foregoing other choices which might have made you happier.

Bea-

I know this is very early to get input from a WS, but I was also in an A with a transgender woman. While the fear is overwhelming for you- understandably so given what your WH has taken from you- I can tell you that I was in much the same position as him, and put my BW in your position.

We were put in touch with local MC who specializes in sexuality questions like this- And we quickly (MC, BW, and me) set to work on trying to parse my sexuality in advance of the much more critical question of how I could betray someone to whom I had already made promises. I think we all let it distract us, and I wish we had looked at my lack of integrity critically first.

There are certainly people who are attracted to cisgender AND transgender women. Quite frankly, depending on the nature of your WH’s A he could be one of many who very severely objectify transgender women, something I am guilty of.

This is all to say that while an additional layer, I recommend from my experience treating this as any other betrayal. That almost invariably places you in limbo, which is patently unfair. The BPs on here can guide you through the conventional decisions, and are far better for that than I...

Thankyou so much for your replys it someone I'm vety lost with and don't want to talk to friends about as I'm holding it all a secret till my husband can deal with it as I think her is finding it hard aswell. So had no one to reach out till its all great advice and going to start to look into it all thanks Bea

You are not obligated to take him back. I hope you realize you have choices too.

And I would suggest you find a counselor for you. You can use the support right now.

I know what your saying as sometimes I feel I'm putting him first. when you feel the obligation to be there for your best friend to make sure he is alright helping him through life and letting my daughter down. But it's nice to be reminded that I'm important thankyou