SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wonder if anyone could give me any insight into my WH‘s lack of care or ‘duty’ towards his own children- is this common?

My WH left me and my children over 2 years ago for OW (much younger work colleague). He initially lied to us all about why he left - saying things like ‘ I can’t do this anymore‘ , ‘ I have to move on’ , ( denied anyone else involved etc). Our children were 15 and 18 at the time. When the truth came out, my children were so hurt as he had told them he was leaving for ‘their sake’ as he didn’t want them to live in an ‘unhappy home’. My younger child told me he never felt that it was an unhappy home, and was really hurt and angry that his father had ‘pretended to sacrifice himself for our sake when really he was being a selfish pr**k’’ (his words).

Since he left, my WH has behaved terribly - he had already stolen a large part of our savings and taken things from our home to set up home with his AP (including some of our wedding presents!!), cancelled my bank cards ( I literally was unable to buy groceries for our children at one point!) , cancelled utility accounts for our house, cancelled his life insurance (as he said it would benefit others not himself!!!), . He initially took money from our joint account to pay for his rent, bills, holidays with OW etc. All of this of course impacted on my ability to support our children, but he could never see that whatever he took from me ( to punish me?, to keep control of me?) was actually taking from his children. He seems oblivious to this . He has seen less and less of his children in the past two years, was angry when they both initially refused to visit him when the truth of his affair came out , never offers to help our older child when he has moved for University etc. He promised to take them both on holiday just after he left (to make it up to them for leaving ), but then said he ‘didn’t have time ‘ and took his AP instead!!!

It hurts me so much to see them treated so badly, and I’m worried that they will lose their relationship with their father altogether. (My eldest child has pretty much given up on his dad - he’s told me he can never forgive him and doesn’t really know who he is anymore).

How has anyone else dealt with their children’s feelings? I really don’t know the right thing to do. Do (older) children gradually come to terms with it?

My "kids" are 29, 27 and 17. Youngest really doesn't want much to do with his mother. Other two are civil, but don't really expect much of anything from her as well. My situation is different than yours with basically adult children, although my wife did take up with a much younger woman as well.

My exH left for his AP, playing the same kind of financial games as yours. Left us in destitution... begging for even grocery or medication (prescription) money. *His games continue 8+ years later.

Anyway, our daughter, then 20, still lived with us when everything came out into the open. She & I both have significant health issues, & I hadn't held a job outside the home in 25+ years. He cruelly drained joint bank accounts & withdrew and spent his 401k, with OW.

Our son was 25 at the time. He lived on his own & he was fed a unique take on the situation, by his Dad. I was the cheater, a drug dealer, etc. All 100% far fetched lies. Luckily my son knew me well enough to know this was completely 'out there' fabrication.

He saw his Dad in action when he went to stay with our son for awhile (texting all the time, leaving the apartment to meet "friends", spending money in a new way from how he always had, etc.)

Today neither kid is close with their Dad after what all was said & done. Dad blames me, although I don't meddle in their relationship with him. I'm lucky that they're old enough to handle it completely on their own.

Kids aren't dumb. They get hurt,too. They eventually see what's going on. They form their own opinions, & use their own moral code to decide how to handle things going forward. It morphs some over time, too. They're on a rollercoaster, too...

Mine are 100% adamant to have ZERO interaction with OW. ExH & OW push it, but that is NOT happening from what the kids say around me. I thank God that we live 3 states away, so that's really not a huge stressor in our lives, except around the holidays (her gifts to the kids go straight in the trash, they want nothing to do with her, or them).

Your kids are old enough that they can come to their own conclusions & decide how to proceed. Just don't talk badly about their Dad. Don't interfere. Even if they do wind up having a relationship with OW, just hope she's good to them.

>She'll NEVER replace you!!<

I my case my ex is pretty good. Not great, but pretty good.

Do (older) children gradually come to terms with it?

To give better insight for you, my sisters ex cheater has a very damaged relationship with his children. They are all fine. He really isn't. I think the son who is now in his 30's has lingering issues with it but they are all 'wise'. It is as if they are the adults and their dad is the child.

The oldest, who was an older teen at the time, was so devastated by the divorce she got a tatoo marking the occasion, These days she is a 40 something year old happily married mother who says she will continue to reach out to her dad to 'give him a chance' to connect with her family, even though the OW that he married constantly mucks it up. She doesn't want to regret not trying she said. They all know exactly what the story is, still love their dad, and realized he is what he is. I do think my nephew is more sensitive about it but doesn't say much. It is so heartbreaking but beyond our control. Sorry you are left with this to worry about.

MotherOfDragons

Short answer. No.

Some people (narcissist?) are so selfish they will only look after whatever feels good (or necessary for survival) right up to death.

I posted to pretty much same question some a few days ago in another thread.

My perspective hasn't changed in decades.

I say - and I think a lot applies to your situation.

My opinion - you should change your expectations and efforts towards trying to convince your spouse to be a part of your son and daughters life.

Why:

I am thinking at the age of your spouse - he is unlikely to ever improve enough to be a positive experience as a "dad."

Some men (some women too) - are self centered and looking mostly to enjoy their existence as best they can given the place in the path of life in which they currently find themselves.

I am not implying this is necessarily your husband but I see, from your post, that he is conflicted with what he wants.

He has a home (had) with wife and two kids.

Finds another female to cavort with and gets an apartment together.

Where is guilt a moral person would have taking money from family for such action? Where is guilt for leaving two children wondering WTF is wrong with their life that their dad has essentially removed himslef from their daily life?

My answer - he is only concerned about HIS pleasures (as he sees them) and either doesn't care or just doesn't give a thought to how his actions are affecting his kids and you.

- one of my quips: quit relieving yourself over the windward side of the boat.

To continue your current path of trying to push his involvement in your kids life is going to cause you anger and frustration. It is a pointless effort and, I would guess, 100% not going to happen without a LOT of change in your husband.

I offer this perspective based on my life. I grew up without a "Dad" - ya - I had a father - a sperm donor.

He was never a dad - only ONCE in all the years he was alive (and rarely around) did he EVER take me , as a son, to anything as a dad/parent and son that would be quantified as a activity that would foster some kind of bonding.

He took me fishing - with another "dad" and his son. They drove us to a lake and said "Here is your fishing rod - have fun!" and then sat in the car (50s Ford) and polished off a fifth of Crown Royal. Luck to survive that day as I remember speeding down dirt road and looking out a SIDE window to see where car was heading.

I see in your husband the same kind of man.

He died when I was 15. I didn't shed a tear.

He was found deceased by landlady in an apartment he rented - where he kept his paramour as I later found out. aneurysm on aorta - at least it was quick

50 years later - I am still working to learn to accept my lack of growing up in a family. Mother tried but she was a harlot herself.

Appears your two kids have a much better chance at growing up decently balanced mentally as you seem to be a good mother.

PS: Also didn't catch anything that day - other than a chigger bite or two -

Adding to say - I think your Dragons have it figured out.

Come to terms? Well yeah, reality sinks in.

Then the disdain at the thought of association will be realized. Some (like me) only went to his funeral - mostly for "family appearances."

I’m worried that they will lose their relationship with their father altogether.

The relationship they have with their father from what you describe sounds emotionally abusive and toxic toward them. Would it be bad to lose it? They deserve better than to have to “deal with” a person treating them so badly...that scenario can only further damage them along the line.

I think the best you can do for them is to talk to them and teach them how to apply boundaries toward him. Teach them to learn that the way he treats them is not their fault, they didn’t do anything to deserve it. Teach them to apply boundaries toward him when he mistreats them so they can protect themselves and refuse to allow it. We can’t change their father into being what they deserve, we can’t make him or force him to see it or treat them better, but as their mother we can teach them to have their worth and to protect themselves and know what they do and don’t deserve from others.

I am a child of a father that lies constantly and cheated regularly. I am a child of divorce. The things that hurt me most were the neglect of my father, and finally letting go of the idea of what I “could have had in a father”. The neglect was something I had to process as an adult, it hurt my feelings to have someone that was supposed to have a very important role in my life be so dismissive of me - but once I processed that I was okay. My father was mostly out of my life so that helped too...he’s essentially a stranger to me given that I don’t *really* know the man. I prefer that over having him in and out and breaking promises and manipulating and lying to me - that would have caused me so much more grief.

My friend asked me the other day, “if you could tell your father anything and he would listen to you - what would you say to him?”

I told her I would tell him I’m sad for him, I’m sad that he never learned how to really live his life. He never knew love, he never learned his worth, he’s never known connection. He lives in a perpetual state of emotional shutdown and instant gratifications further fueling his own self-destruction. And he will die this way, never having actually truly lived his life.

I have nothing to blame him for. He’s a broken human being that endured a lot and those factors made him who he is today...he didn’t know how to learn to be different on his own and didn’t seek proper help to learn these tools either. This is all he knows, and it’s a sad life. He never learned to treat himself better, to love himself, care for or nurture himself...he could never have given me or my brother any of that because he didn’t know how.

I don’t like the “children are resilient” mindset, kids don’t just learn how to process all of this...they go into survival mode but that doesn’t mean they’re emotionally okay. We as their mommy can teach them to be though.

**edited for typos**

[This message edited by maise at 10:23 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]

My kids were 23 and 20 when their dad left me for a "friend" of mine. He lied to them both. I asked them if they wanted to know what was going on because I would tell them. If they didn't want to know, then I would keep it private. My son said he didn't want to know (I don't think he could handle it emotionally). My daughter wanted to know. So when I told her anything, I presented it with evidence. I didn't try to be malicious. It was just facts. She had actually figured him out years before I did and I had been mediator in their relationship for a long time. He fired me from that job when he left.

It's been over 5 years now and my ex is just now beginning to try to repair his relationship with our daughter. He married the woman he was having an affair with and my daughter hated her even before that. He has tried to tell our daughter "his side of the story" and she brutally sets him straight on his lies and delusions. She simply will not stand for it. To my knowledge he has not apologized to her for what he's done. She's supposed to spend some time with him this summer.

My son has a relationship with his father. It is very superficial as far as I can tell. I'm not involved and do not speak to my ex unless it's absolutely necessary.

It's all so sad. I wanted so badly for my children to have a close happy family and a good relationship with their father. But I can't turn him into something he's not. He's a liar, a cheat and a selfish jerk. I support my kids and let them talk through their feelings when they need to. Otherwise, as adults, it's up to them to navigate things with their dad.