Crazyblindsided I am so sorry you are feeling like this and wish I could give you a hug.
I also want to say, as a new person to this forum, how much your wise words and warm spririt have stood out and spoken to me. Thank you.
I am sure your children know and feel your value. Do they know he is the cause of your great suffering? If you feel remote from them perhaps you should share your fears.
I really relate to the 'where is the justice in the world?' train of thought. People tell me all the time I have the moral high ground but I can think what's the point of tbat if I am struggling to enjoy my life in the present while he is bright and breezy with his new toys. I wouldn't want to be him, I wouldn't want such a broken person back, but I still want to be more than a shadow of my former myself.
I think the fault lies in the proposition where we connect and compare. I do or am this WHILE he does or this. I get suffering, he gets to flourish. Which is unhelpful. We should instead list the ways in which we are great human beings and they are not. And try and do things which make us feel connected to our own creative pulse.
I am trying to cultivate a mindset, call it moments, where I get acquisitive about what I want. I want colour, radiance, ease, a sense of synchronicity. So I tell myself I can get those feelings again, I can seek out new adventures, however small, when lockdown finishes.
They take our vitality so we mourn when we see or think they have theirs. The only work now is to recover your vitality. You are entitled to feel vital, not just as if you are surviving. I want to tell you, as I was helpfully told by Bentandbroken You can do this.
That life is gone but you need to get acquisitive about a new life, however ridiculous that sounds with broken bones.
You mentioned in one of your posts you used to have a flourishing career? Do you mind if I ask what that was? I feel you aee a hugely free spirit with such a lot to offer. I just wondered what your vocation was.
Sending you light.