SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today I found out my wife has sent nudes to an older co-worker very recently (probably late 40s maybe early 50s and married). She has admitted it. She claims it was because she liked the attention. (That I was not providing, though this was not explicitly said) that it was not an ongoing thing and that nothing else happened (including anything physical). I'm honestly not sure what to believe though...

On the home front we have no children and have been unable to conceive for several years and this has been rough on our relationship. We have remained sexually active but strained. I will admit I've been more distant than I should have been and could have been more emotionally supportive...mostly due to the conception issue and general life stressors. I had no idea it had gone this far though. She has a history of being a poor communicator and bottling up feelings...so in that way I'm unsurprised it silently escalated.

We've been married for 5 years and together 12. I've no clue if I can forgive this and if I did, how I would ever trust again. In playing the situation back in my head she became more attentive probably a few months ago and I wonder if that's when it really started. Or maybe that was a cry for attention.

Where do I start?

If you want to stop it, inform the OM's spouse (without warning your spouse). And require her to find another job. It's called consequences.

Neither an inability to conceive or a lack of attention is an excuse for sexting. She had other alternatives but chose to sext.

Nothing you did or didn't do is an excuse for her inappropriate behavior. She is 100% to blame for her decision to seek attention by sexting a married man.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:48 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

Hi Maxwell,

Sorry this is happening to you now.

I have a few questions for you if you don't mind.

Did you record the evidences you gathered?
Is he still her co-worker?
How are they communicating most of the time? Is it through phone?
Do they see each other at work, after work or some place else?
Do they have a chance to be physical, considering they're co-workers?
You claim that it's not an ongoing thing, how can you be sure? When was the last time they communicated?

Do you know the AP's wife?

Did she confess the sexting or admit it when confronted? How has she proven that’s as far as it went? Has she offered complete transparency on all devices and social media? Written out a timeline to be verified by polygraph?

Building trust back is going to take a long time of her words aligning completely with her actions. She’s going to have to give up her privacy so you can observe that this is happening.

Did you record the evidences you gathered?

- I got the text screenshots and a recording of her saying yes to it.

Is he still her co-worker?

- Yes. And when I asked if she would leave she said she didn’t want to leave her friends again (she left there and went back previously). This happened a few minutes ago and was when I knew what my decision had to be regarding the marriage.

How are they communicating most of the time? Is it through phone?

- via email. She deletes the emails after sending them. I made her show me the account but nothing is there. No way to know if she’s lying and they’re elsewhere.

Do they see each other at work, after work or some place else?

-Yes to at work. At any point. No clue on after…

Do they have a chance to be physical, considering they're co-workers?

-Likely yes.

You claim that it's not an ongoing thing, how can you be sure? When was the last time they communicated?

- Within the last hour it was “I did it and deleted it” and has changed to several weeks of pictures and an undefined period before that of flirting. So I can’t be sure.

Do you know the AP's wife?

-I know of her. We went to their wedding years back as a work function. But otherwise no. Same for him.

Did she confess the sexting or admit it when confronted? How has she proven that’s as far as it went?

-Only when confronted. And she hasn’t. I’m not sure how we could.

Has she offered complete transparency on all devices and social media? Written out a timeline to be verified by polygraph?

-I hadn’t thought about the polygraph but she declined to leave that place of employment so I now do not trust at all that she is done. .

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 5:27 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

Sounds like your WW’s refusal to consider changing jobs makes this a dealbreaker for you and you will be moving to D. See an attorney to learn your rights. Get tested for STDs. You can not trust that they have not been physical. Take care of you. Read in the healing library. There is a lot of good information that will help you deal with the emotional trauma. None of her actions are your fault. Accept no blame. Good luck.

Maxwell,

I know this is all new and you’re still reeling. It will be that way for a while. You should consider telling the OBS immediately and get her a copy of your screen shots. One, you will have an ally that can provide you with new information, and two, this many times will put an abrupt stop to the A as the OM scrambles to save his marriage. It may even help to get you WW out of the fog if you’re still interested in a possible R. Sorry you’re having to go through this.

As long as there’s contact the affair continues. If she chooses him and her job over you and your marriage there’s nothing to work with. Tell her at least she’s making your decision, if not the execution of it, easier for you..

"As long as there’s contact the affair continues. If she chooses him and her job over you and your marriage there’s nothing to work with. Tell her at least she’s making your decision, if not the execution of it, easier for you.."

Pretty much yes. I brought it up again and through sheer force of will she missed the point and said she likes other people there and it's not just him. I assume she meant as co-workers...but I'm not sure I even want to know if there's more.

I’d ask her to leave the house if there’s any friends or family she can stay with. You can’t make her leave if she doesn’t want to, but if she won’t, at least move her stuff out of the marital bedroom and make her sleep in a spare room or on the couch.

Maxwell,

You wrote, We went to their wedding years back as a work function.

Wow, there is a good chance the OM is your WW work husband and this has been going on for years. This may be why she is so reluctant to leave him.

If the OM is in a supervisory or executive position go to personnel and get him fired, threaten a lawsuit.

Do not tell anyone, especially your WW, that you are going to expose OM, this is very important.

OMW deserves to know this horrible disrespect of your WW being at her wedding.

Sorry for you are here.

First of all, don't show your wife that you're on this site. You will get valuable suggestions from here, her seeing them will cause her to be prepared.

There seems to be a lot more. Cheaters lie a lot and probably she gave the minimized version of her affaire.

Try to recover the deleted e-mails, messages and pictures by running the recovery program on the computer and phone.

Ask for the detailed timeline of her affaire to be a subject to the polygraph test. Tell her not to tell the slightest lie or to avoid hiding the truth.Say the action you'll take if she does, and don't bluff, keep your word.

Take an STD test and ask her to take it too, don't have sex with her until you get results.

See a divorce lawyer to learn your legal options. If you want to D(divorce) file her.

If you want to R(reconcile), it takes two people who want it. And your wife must be remorseful. But first of all you need to know the whole truth.

Refusing to quit her job is not a good start.

Inform OBS (other betrayed spouse) about their affaire.

There will be other suggestions as well, take them into consideration and keep posting.

Hi Maxwell,

So what are your plans now?

Have you asked your wife for the timeline of their affair?

Do you plan on telling OBS (the other wife) about their affair? The reason I'm asking is she's also affected by this and she deserves to know. She might uncover some facts that your wife is withholding you. Although she hasn't really told you anything.

Have you decided on the possibility for a polygraph test?

STD test for you and your wife?

This is a lot to take right now and I know you're hurting. Take your time and focus on yourself.

It’s a small company. I could email the owner but that’s about it.

No real way to contact the other spouse unless I researched the public information.

Thanks for all the help. She’s packed up and left for her sisters as we speak so the conversation is over for now.

I did find the OW on Facebook but I’m hesitant as I don’t have proof of who. What if she’s lying to me about who the affair is with? There is at least one more likely candidate if I’m being honest (closer in age and relationship). This is a person she recently visited claiming she was there to help him with the kids because the wife was out of town…which I certainly found odd at the time.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 6:11 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

You can communicate with her through her social media accounts. Don't tell your wife you'll let her know.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

This is what you’re getting.

Like usual it’s all bullshit.

All cheaters lie like hell.

She’s a grown woman and knows better.

You probably only know the tip of this iceberg.

Get strong and stay there if not you will be in for a lot more.

Once nude pics are sent out you have no control over who all gets them or where they may end up. That’s where she’s put you.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:17 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

Also yes I asked for a timeline of when things really started. She’s playing dumb and “doesn’t know” when they started flirting. Nor did she know what prompted her to send the first message other than stating that she was talking about how OW did not value the OM.

Again biggest hesitation on blowing up the OW is what if it’s not true (The “who” part).

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 6:22 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

It’s a small company. I could email the owner but that’s about it.

I’d hold off until you know what you want. If you divorce, you definitely want her working.

Does the sister know why she’s staying there? The quickest way to end an affair is exposure. It kills the feeling of specialness and replaces it with shame and embarrassment.