SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m on the edge of departing. Maybe its the anger talking as I find reasons to support why this is good for me, but in hindsight I feel my mental and emotional attractions to her never grew. And I took a risk on that they would cultivate after the years…but it’s just not there.

Reconciliation is really hard and can take years, and even if you’re both in it 100% it can still fail. Fair enough to consider what you’d be getting back.

I’m on the edge of departing. Maybe its the anger talking as I find reasons to support why this is good for me, but in hindsight I feel my mental and emotional attractions to her never grew. And I took a risk on that they would cultivate after the years…but it’s just not there.

If you’re not too attached to you WW, that makes it easier for you. D is a good way of getting out of infidelity. Just don’t meet her again. Get your ducks in a row. Tell her not not call you or email you, but rather communicate with your lawyer.

There’s nothing wrong with reading her emails, but if you are proceeding with D, eventually you’ll need to detach and what she does won’t be a concern of yours.

If what you already know is deal breaker for you, you don't need to dig any further. But it's also common for some BSs who seem determined to divorce later become confused and tend to reconcile. So the more you know, the better, but if you are firm and unwaveringly determined, just file.

My head is firm with what I think I know. And the rational review of all the signs. But hesitation comes from the heart, which is wavering and wants to convince me of anything to feel normal, and safe and loved again… even if it’s fleeting and at my own expense long term.

Part of me hopes when we meet she says she is done, so it can just be over. And another that the remorse pours and I can eventually believe nothing else really happened.

And though I know I have no blame in the infidelity…I wish I could go back and be better and more positive, supporting, and outwardly loving than I was.

As an almost 40 year old man I can say with certainty I’ve cried more times in the past two days than my entire adult life combined.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 5:02 AM, July 10th (Saturday)]

My head is firm with what I think I know. And the rational review of all the signs. But hesitation comes from the heart...

That is pretty normal. There's always a part of us that wants to hold on.

As an almost 40 year old man I can say with certainty I’ve cried more times in the past two days than my entire adult life combined.

Being cheated on sucks. It sucks to be in this roller-coaster of emotions. One minute you feel like you love her so much then another minute you want them to feel the pain you're feeling. It is what is. You have to be mentally strong to be able to overcome these emotions.

If you live in an at-fault state then gathering evidences will be essential. Since you're firm in your stand that you're out of the M already, then might as well come out with a bang. They destroyed your life, why not give it back to them?

All the best!

She’s still into her OM, get out while you can do so quickly.

Don’t be like me.

My head is firm with what I think I know. And the rational review of all the signs. But hesitation comes from the heart, which is wavering and wants to convince me of anything to feel normal, and safe and loved again… even if it’s fleeting and at my own expense long term.

This is bargaining. A natural phase in all of this. Just know you can never go back to "normal". Your marriage is forever changed. You could try to reconcile and find a new normal, where trust is restored and a new relationship is formed. But that's only after years of tough work. At the moment your WW is nowhere near an appropriate candidate for that. She needs to be running away from OM, not protecting him.

And though I know I have no blame in the infidelity…I wish I could go back and be better and more positive, supporting, and outwardly loving than I was.

This has nothing to do with you. You are not the thing that's "missing" in her life. No amount of attention or support from you can fix what's broken inside of her. Open communication is a two-way street. She should have opened up to you about her needs. There are a thousand ways she could have chosen to try and fix your marriage - therapy, marriage counseling, divorce. Sending nudes to other men is definitely not on that list.

Instead of nurturing your M she chose to destroy it. And she's continuing to destroy it. Act accordingly. Protect yourself.

It’s interesting the revelations you have as these things develop. She’s decided to keep a scheduled rafting event this morning despite our plan to meet today. (assuming it even happens). Her response to me was she wanted to “talk with her friends.” Which sounds literally unbelievable, until I talked it out with my friend, who is a good friend of hers and realized she never “deals” with anything. And her coping mechanism is constantly going, doing, vacationing…avoiding. Even now, in our hour of crisis she is doing this. Coping

Full circle to my revelation…I knew this when we married and it was my biggest hesitation. At the time I thought if I had a supportive, loving, attractive and trustworthy (oops) wife I was ok with this issue. What I failed to realize is this type of mental health issue does not stay level, and it now has compounded to where we are.

It's really unbelievable.

I think your intention not to stay in this marriage is quite right. If she doesn't want to face problems, do something she can't avoid facing and serve her at her workplace.

Part of me hopes when we meet she says she is done, so it can just be over. And another that the remorse pours and I can eventually believe nothing else really happened.

Nope , she not gonna tell you a thing except more lies. You don5 need her permission.

And though I know I have no blame in the infidelity…I wish I could go back and be better and more positive, supporting, and outwardly loving than I was.

Every betrayed spouse that comes here wants it to be their fault to try and keep from making a decision. Nope. All you’re doing is keeping yourself in limbo. For nothing.

Bravo on the insights into your wife and marriage.

How long does she plan in running away from her issues? It appears as though she uses avoidance as a method to cope, cheating and “talking to her friends”.

Not much to reconcile with (sad to say) unless she’s willing to get some professional counseling to address her cheating and avoidance behavior.

My guess is EVEN IF she agrees to Reconcile- her efforts will be minimal and she will expect this to be swept under the rug. Please do not allow this. My biggest regret was I allowed my H to do this after his first EA (which he refused to admit).

So it was much easier for him to cheat the second time b/c there were no consequences the first time. HUGE mistake on my part.

Second time however I stood up for myself and told him to get out (add in the expletives!🤣. I refused to consider R. He also lost all power and control over me, my life, decisions etc. He was blindsided at the outcome — he never expected me to stand up for myself.

My user name here should MrsFormerDoormat lol

Am I being stupid in thinking we could work out a disillusionment? Does that put me at a disadvantage?

Edit: dissolution

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 8:50 AM, July 10th (Saturday)]

And another that the remorse pours and I can eventually believe nothing else really happened.

First, tears and apologies aren't remorse.

Remorse is action. It's all about you. What she is doing to heal the damage she has caused.

Remorse? Let's see..

She left you,in pain,to go to her sister's house, where she constantly texted the OM. She completely minimized what happened to her family..and this morning, she is going rafting.

I don't think I've ever "seen" a less remorseful WS.

Am I being stupid in thinking we could work out a disillusionment? Does that put me at a disadvantage?

That’s a question best asked of a lawyer. Since she’s choosing to spend this time continuing at her job, rafting and talking to friends, OM included, start making appointments. Many offer the first hour free. Get an idea of what divorce will look like for you. Knowledge is power.

She left you,in pain,to go to her sister's house, where she constantly texted the OM. She completely minimized what happened to her family..and this morning, she is going rafting.

That's quite a summary when you...well...summarize it.

It may be an advantage to "strike first" while she's still in her affair fog. She may be "amicable" now while she still thinks this fantasy is still ongoing. But be prepared for her nasty side to come out.

Many states don't take infidelity into account in deciding who gets what. Again, your attorney can best advise you as to what divorce will look like.

Since you probably won’t be able to make an appointment till Monday, try the family court website in your area. You can familiarize yourself with the process and come up with questions.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 9:20 AM, July 10th (Saturday)]

Two things stick out...

1. Telling the OBS doesn't affect a divorce at all. It's the morally right thing to do. Unless you live in some country where people live in caves.

2. "I don't know" is an excuse for, "I'm not going to tell you". We know why we do everything. She knows. She just isn't going to tell you.

I wish you well and please tell the OBS. She deserves to know.

1. Telling the OBS doesn't affect a divorce at all. It's the morally right thing to do. Unless you live in some country where people live in caves

.

Killing it now makes her more likely to fight me simply for “revenge”, no?

Killing it now makes her more likely to fight me simply for “revenge”, no?

Yes. Be strategic at this point. OBS needs to know, but it does not have to me this minute. Don't lose any advantage you may gain by looking at the landscape and making smart decisions. Yes, if you D, and you can get her to me amicable, smart move. OBS can wait, especially if you see D as a likely outcome for you.