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A short email to her family that you have discovered your WW has been unfaithful to you and that she will need their support can accomplish a couple of things. It keeps her from controlling the narrative. It exposes the affair and helps kill the fantasy. It provides consequences. Those last two are important if there’s any hope for reconciliation.

Betrayal shatters our confidence in our perception of reality. We "need" as much "truth" as we can find, anywhere and everywhere, in a effort to find our way back to a feeling of security in our beliefs. Likely impossible to fight and even though we can't "unsee" whatever we find... see we must.

Very well said justaguy.

Most recent update is we were to meet tonight just to discuss and for me to obtain what explanation there is, maybe get some clarity, or even closure. I don’t know.

This was cancelled a few hours later because she needs time to think! Claiming she has no explanation for why she did anything she did. Hurt me and leave me here. She is now “at her sisters”. Whatever. I can’t believe I recently thought this woman loved me.

And her explanation of why they were going to meet is just utter garbage. Claiming she just wasn’t thinking about what the pictures meant and what could happen. The funniest part of this excuse is that it’s not even good if it were true because she is effectively saying “I’m as dumb as a box of rocks”

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 3:54 PM, July 9th (Friday)]

Claiming she just wasn’t thinking about what the pictures meant and what could happen.

This is taught even to 3-year-olds.

This wayward mind, they hope you're as stupid as they are.

“I’m as dumb as a box of rocks”

Finally, a true word came out of her mouth.

Probably she talked to her AP and they synced their stories.

Can you track her phone calls or her location?

Bullshit translator:

I need time to get my lies straight and provide a good cover up.

Maxwell,

I am sorry you are being put through this.

You questioned earlier whether your wife had been honest with her family about what she did. She has not been honest with you, so it is very unlikely that she has told her family what she has done, or shown them any of the pictures. Instead, she has probably said that you are jealous about a guy she works with.

Most recent update is we were to meet tonight just to discuss and for me to obtain what explanation there is, maybe get some clarity, or even closure. I don’t know. This was cancelled a few hours later because she needs time to think!

Tow questions spring to mind:

1) If this is nothing more than sending nudes to a guy at work, and it means 'nothing' (in the way that cheats define 'nothing'), why is she 'at her sisters', and

2) What is there to 'think' about?

People have said that you need to inform the guy's wife, and they are 100% right. Once it hits home for him, it will change the significance for him and your wife from 'nothing' to 'something'.

In my view she cancelled the meeting with you because she does not have any plausible excuses for what she did beyond the glaringly obvious; she is having an affair with the guy at work. Chances are that she and the guy may be meeting, and definitely communicating, to get their stories straight.

And her explanation of why they were going to meet is just utter garbage. Claiming she just wasn’t thinking about what the pictures meant and what could happen. The funniest part of this excuse is that it’s not even good if it were true because she is effectively saying “I’m as dumb as a box of rocks”

Yeah. What can you say? A woman who sends nudes to a married man she works with, but does not understand how men and women relate.

Do not worry about what she has told her family. That does not matter. What matters is that you do not buy into her narrative. Trust your gut, common sense, and knowledge of how the world works. Your wife has been busted, and she has started saying the same ridiculous things that most cheats say.

Hi (((Max)))

I am so sorry you are here, the pain of infidelity is immense. Please take care of yourself it can be hard to eat or even drink. Many have seen themselves in the ER from not eating, dehydration or stress. (just ask, me or Thurmos).

Well I'm not sure why I am doing this to myself...but I have access to her texts via iMac and I read some family ones. The whole thing reads like a joke. Either she lied to them about what happened or they see the whole thing as a passing moment. Like she backed into something in my car. I can't believe my eyes.

You must find "truth" and electronic devices won't lie to you. Your WW will lie and lie to your face as well as others. NEVER give up sources of truth, keep them close to your vest do NOT give up info from them or your wife will go further underground. Give her the proverbial rope so you to have the truth.

Consider getting a GPS for her car, a VAR (voice activated recorder) or two. Place them in her car and any other place she could be talking to AP. IMO a GPS in her car is a requirement and she cannot know about it. That would have saved me from my WW horror show.

Why would she want to go back to work at the place were her nudes are circulating? The place that pains you so much? Working and talking to AP? Right now it appears she just doesn't care about you. Worse she seems to be protecting herself and AP.

Please steel yourself against outcomes like a PA. Informing the OBS after more evidence.

Respectfully,

Organic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 4:52 PM, July 9th, 2021 (Friday)]

Maxwell,

This right here

This was cancelled a few hours later because she needs time to think! Claiming she has no explanation for why she did anything she did.

is the end of your story with her.

We've seen this play out many times. A wayward wife that is interested in saving her husband, marriage will be bending over backwards. Begging, crying, pleading you not to leave her. The fact that she first chose to leave to go to her sisters, tells you as mentioned previously that she is spending time, talking to the AP. NOT YOU, but the AP.

You continue to talk to her, hoping to meet up to discuss your relationship and she cancels. See the writing on the wall? I know you may be in a state of shock, and you're still filled with hope, or maybe you don't even understand why your wife is acting this way, but take a step back, or come back and read this post and thread 2 months from now and it'll be a bit clearer. You may not want to see it, you may not want to believe it, but she is NOT choosing you. I mean, put yourself in her shoes, and you want to try to fix this, you're going to be running back to the wife any chance you get, crying, asking for a second chance. She has done the opposite. She leaves instead of stays, she has a chance to meet up with you, but she chooses not to. She is breaking up with you, and I hope that you are starting to see this. Its tough, I know, I've been there. I wish I would have listened to the folks on here earlier, and it is one of my regrets.

See the situation for what it is. You and your marriage is nothing special. YOur wife is nothing special. Just another cheater, who is lying and hiding to save her own self. Sorry brother, better to be told the truth, than to beat around the bush.

If someone really truly loved you, they will fight for you. She is not fighting for you. Wanna confirm this, if you head to her sisters house and stake out the place, good chance your ex is hanging out and going out with the AP. If you need that clarity, go for it, but it will hurt, but at least than you will know for sure.

I spoke with an attorney who advised I should avoid involving the OBS as it will only serve to make my divorce messier and more contentious. Maybe it will be that way right now, maybe not. Am I thinking about this wrong?

Good idea on phone logs, we're on the same plan. And she has been speaking to him pretty constantly over the last 3 days and texting non-stop today/yesterday at least.

Interestingly these are not on iCloud but all other messages are...is there a way to hide this? It's showing as messaging on AT&T so it's not a different app I don't think?

Seems like your WW has made her decision to screw the marriage by her continuing contact with the OM. Strike fast and file for divorce. Once the divorce is completed, definitely notify the OBS.

Her communications with the OM may have to do with what type of future she might have with him. If she comes crawling back, you know that she was rejected and has made you plan B.

[This message edited by src9043 at 5:17 PM, July 9th (Friday)]

we were to meet tonight just to discuss and for me to obtain what explanation there is

This was cancelled a few hours later because she needs time to think!

She is now “at her sisters”.

Maxwell354

This sounds like an emergency strategy session to me,

On the home front we have no children and have been unable to conceive for several years.

We've been married for 5 years and together 12.

Maxwell354

I don’t know how old your wife is but she has 12 years invested in you and you may be her only chance to have a kid. That is great motivation to stay with you.

If I were her sister I would advise her to love bomb you and get pregnant asap. Do not have sex with her or at least use a condom.

Maxwell,

If you are sure you are going to divorce, then you might as well ditch all the other angles (monitoring call logs, wondering what her family knows, wanting explanations (however ridiculous), etc) and focus purely on achieving the divorce as swiftly as possible (as long as your attorney is looking out for your best interests).

And she has been speaking to him pretty constantly over the last 3 days and texting non-stop today/yesterday at least.

She has nothing to say to you, but plenty to say to him? This is what she meant by 'thinking'. Who knows what bullsh*t he has been feeding her, and she may now be pressing him about leaving his wife and being with her. And if he runs true to form, he will be making one excuse after another.

If your wife is having this much contact with him, they have a lot to talk about, and it is not hard to work out what that will be. By 'thinking', what your wife really means is not talking to you until she is sure she cannot have a future with the guy at work, and that is why she is saying nothing to you, but communicating with him intensely.

Be very careful of her waiting until she gets shut down and dumped by her affair partner, and suddenly being very contrite and wanting to work it out with you. Her priorities are clear; only talk to you after she has talked to him.

As for informing the other betrayed spouse, it is fair enough to be guided by your attorney if you believe he or she is good. However, just because you do not tell the guy's wife now does not mean you cannot tell her once the divorce is settled. She has a right to know who she is with.

Your WW is probably in love with the OM, and she’s trying to figure out if he’ll leave his wife (OBS) for her. If he says no, there’s always plan B.

We know this because, it’s pretty much always the same story.

Now the key for you is to do what is best for YOU.

If you inform the OBS, the OM will drop your WW like a hot potato. Oh and you might learn a lot more about what’s been going on.

Listen to your lawyer, of course. But to clarify, the idea is not that you would involve OBS in your divorce. The idea is that you would tell her "Hey my wife and your husband have been screwing around. I thought you should know." Could even be done anonymously. Separate from this you divorce your wife. If your lawyer says don't do it, don't do it, but every one of us would have wanted, and would want, someone to do that for us and would pass that on for others. I despise the people who knew what my wife was up to and said nothing or, worse, abetted the misbehavior and deception. That may seem hardcore and maybe it is. But this is wicked stuff. You are situated differently, of course, as you are a victim in this and it is understandable that your own protection has to be first priority.

Edited to add: You are still early in this and it is probably prudent to gain some clarity on the sitauation. There will be time to inform OBS if that is what you decide.

[This message edited by Rufus at 5:41 PM, July 9th (Friday)]

Good idea on phone logs, we're on the same plan. And she has been speaking to him pretty constantly over the last 3 days and texting non-stop today/yesterday at least.

Interestingly these are not on iCloud but all other messages are...is there a way to hide this? It's showing as messaging on AT&T so it's not a different app I don't think?

If you can see she is texting his number on your phone account but you cannot see the actual messages on iCloud or another Apple device that is on the same Apple ID, that means she is messaging him via SMS and not iMessage.

iMessage is internet-based and will not show up on your phone account in any way. SMS is a service from your phone carrier and sometimes it will show up on a shared Apple devixe, but there is a setting you have to turn on to see them.

Be careful, because turning on the SMS setting on the monitor device will likely pop an alert on her personal device. read up before you move forward with that.

I spoke with an attorney who advised I should avoid involving the OBS as it will only serve to make my divorce messier and more contentious.

I couldn't understand what this has to do with OBS, even the AP will not be involved in the case.

Exposing her sometimes can be left for later in terms of not having a negative financial impact, as it will indirectly affect the job of WW.

Other than that, I've never heard of any legal reason. You should ask your attorney to explain this. If he can't give a satisfactory answer, I suggest you change your attorney and inform OBS.

“If you inform the OBS, the OM will drop your WW like a hot potato.“

I guess in the unlikely event this could ever work out and it’s all a big misunderstanding … then I don’t want to interfere to make her come back. She would need to make that call. If she was willing to do this once she would do it again. And me stopping it does nothing for the future.

She has supposedly agreed to let me see her text thread with OM tomorrow. She doesn’t know I have the AT&T logs so I will know immediately if she made choice deletes of text or mms messages. From there I can determine if there’s even any discussion to have. If she’s being honest now at least I can talk and learn something or whatever. I already know the answer but it’s like math class with emotions. “Show your work”

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 6:50 PM, July 9th (Friday)]

Remember to NEVER reveal your sources of information or how much you know. You should preface the discussion with, "Do not underestimate what I already know". Then reveal NOTHING. Your task is to compare what she reveals with what you know. You are not the one who is explaining yourself here.

Some of your posts so far lead me to believe that in your marriage you are conflict avoidant and become quite anxious when she is upset. If this is an accurate assessment, she is aware of this and is used to manipulating you with this behavior. You have to go stone cold indifferent to her from now on. Reveal nothing and make her feel that every word is being compared to a written script. Poker face.

All the best.

And if the above is true, as soon as you can, read or listen to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover and "The Dead Bedroom Fix" by DSO.

I guess in the unlikely event this could ever work out and it’s all a big misunderstanding … then I don’t want to interfere to make her come back. She would need to make that call. If she was willing to do this once she would do it again. And me stopping it does nothing for the future.

All well and good. Let me share with you a few reasons to call OBS. After D day 1 WW was still lying to me. I wanted to make things work, badly. I loved the woman. I suffered horribly knowing she was lying to me but not being able to prove it. After being lied to for almost a year, I called OBS. She told me about the affair going back four and a half years. She knew and didn't tell me. I could have saved three and a half years of hell if she had told me. That changed things for me, forced my WW to tell me the truth. We are still working through things and she is making progress. To think a call could have saved me years of misery is heartbreaking. If she had only reached out to me. OBS does not want to hear from your wife. This is the woman, that with her husband, caused her pain, even if she doesn't know it yet. I bet his actions toward her have changed even if she doesn't understand why. My WW admitted she provoked arguments and prolonged strife to justify what she was doing. See he is a bad husband, if only to herself. You need to be the one to tell her, you are the ones suffering from their actions.

You need to listen to your attorney, but I don't see any downside to telling OBS.

Thanks for the advice. I think the difference is, I could never stay with someone who had done that to me. Much easier to say without children of course. So maybe it’s a blessing we were not successful. I don’t see how I could ever forgive that transgression. And that’s not a knock on you, it’s just me and my decisions.

I’m on the edge of departing. Maybe its the anger talking as I find reasons to support why this is good for me, but in hindsight I feel my mental and emotional attractions to her never grew. And I took a risk on that they would cultivate after the years…but it’s just not there.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 10:35 PM, July 9th (Friday)]