SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

well... there's a lot to unpack. So after we agreed to get divorced (She cheated). We had a therapy appointment to go over co-parenting and just how to move forward at best interest of our DD. The Therapist was very kind and gentle, but considering we haven't filed yet, and my WS wanting us to get closure on both ends, things took a turn...

Therapist asked us both if we still had love towards each other. We both said yes. That caught me off guard, she cheated and was already making plans with other people after we agreed to divorce. Therapist asked if this was for sure what we wanted. I explained my side, emotional pain, giving her more than one chance. WS just straight up said- I think were acting to irrationally.

WS would later go on to explain how she messed up everything for our marriage, but since nothing got physical with any of her AP's (she kissed one person, all others were just messages, flirty messages, making plans to get together but never actually following through). She then looks me in the eyes and tells me that she's sorry, and the Therapist made a suggestion that what we should've done is gone to therapy separate, then do couples counseling.

Therapist then said, this only works if both of you are willing to do so. That I BS, have been through a lot and doesn't expect me to trust her right away, only to think about it as an option, but If I was truly over it, then best not to dwell and move forward.

Therapist made a point in saying that any shared argument, disagreement or experience will always be different between to parties. That if she were to hold a coin between us, one would see heads, the other tails; but it would still be the same coin.

After the appointment my WS explained that I can look through all of her messages if I wanted to. She told me that I will find things that I would deem inappropriate or upsetting, but that she can agree to keep things between us and her therapist from now on and not involve another AP.

I... I just don't know how to feel. She wants to talk after I get off work. our DD will be at her grandmas house tonight. It's not like I haven't tried to work on us before...

My first message here explaining everything-

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=654158&HL=79116

Well, the answer is — there is no answer yet.

You may need more information and more time to decide what you really want to do.

A counselor who holds a WS responsible for their actions is a good thing.

You are very early in your recovery, I was in shock most of the first three months. Your wife could decide she caused too much damage and change her mind again about what to do.

Take your time.

Wait until you get your feet underneath you before you decide.

Some IC could help you regardless of the path you choose, since your pain is very new.

For the moment, breathe deep and focus on taking care of you.

Sounds like her other option/s are not quite as she expected.

Oh ... I think a kiss is physical.

Look, you both love each other. What do you have to lose by spending some time in IC, except for some money and some time?

You're dealing with a decision that will affect decades of your life. If you would want to spend the rest of your life with a W who changed from betrayer to good partner and found some ways to make amends, would yo do it? If you don't know the answer, a good IC can help you find it.

There's everything right with D, if D is really what you want. If it's not what you really want, everything is right with exploring your options to figure out what is achievable.

Don't agonize over this ... maybe asking yourself what will give you the most joy is the way to approach this. Yeah, I know it's hard not to agonize over this, but I strongly advise you to think about what decisions open up the possibilities for the most pleasure, not the possibilities of avoiding pain.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:54 PM, July 16th (Friday)]

Has she offered to be transparent with all electronics and social media? Is she willing to cut off the cheater cheerleading friends who were encouraging her? Is she willing to take a polygraph to prove nothing happened past a kiss?

[This message edited by asc1226 at 2:21 PM, July 16th (Friday)]

I just want to say that I appreciate everyone who take the time to respond to me. this site has truly been good for my mental well being.

in response to everyone- maybe I should just wait for a minute and breathe. there is no right answer right now and I think maybe it's best to move forward with the divorce and IC. if something happens between now and then; maybe we can work things out. Right now however, probably best to each get therapy and see how it goes.

Your wife is a proven liar. You can't take her word or intent to be true. To her love is not exclusive to monogamous, devout, and committed love. It's just a feeling.

She has it for you and a hundred other dudes.

Is that the kind of love you want.

Love itself isn't special at all. Every long term relationship has love. If it didn't, it would instantly dissolve.

Don't let love drag you through hell. Read my signature.

That’s actually something that gets recommended to BS’s here a lot. After all, she’s said something along those lines more than once. Tell her she’s lied too many times for her words to have any meaning any longer. From now on you will only believe her actions. Continue D and sit back and watch what she does.

Sorry, I am making a second reply to point out this MC is straight up bad.

only to think about it as an option, but If I was truly over it, then best not to dwell and move forward.

WTF! Rugsweeping. OK. Sure "Just get over it". That shit doesn't work for affairs. Maybe it does for other minor offenses...

Therapist made a point in saying that any shared argument, disagreement or experience will always be different between to parties. That if she were to hold a coin between us, one would see heads, the other tails; but it would still be the same coin.

How about this. If she stabs you with a knife, you get a devastating puncture wound, and she just feels a dull thump in the hand holding the knife. At the end of the day though it's the same knife!

Does it seem like a reasonable insight to you, or some horribly poor analogy that suggests that cheating is perhaps a blameless offense?

After the appointment my WS explained that I can look through all of her messages if I wanted to. She told me that I will find things that I would deem inappropriate or upsetting, but that she can agree to keep things between us and her therapist from now on and not involve another AP.

She has already sanitized them. If you have a phone bill and she used text messaging, check the metadata to make sure all timestamps match and are complete. Especially if there are images.

How do you check metadata? is it as easy as looking at our cellphone bill?

Put down the hopium pipe. It is the height of folly to believe the word of a proven, habitual liar just because, now that she realizes consequences are about to be imposed, she says that she's sorry. I get that you want it to be true.

You should know by now what your wife should be doing if she's going to be any sort of candidate for R. She doing any of that at all?

After the appointment my WS explained that I can look through all of her messages if I wanted to. She told me that I will find things that I would deem inappropriate or upsetting, but that she can agree to keep things between us and her therapist from now on and not involve another AP.

How generous of her. I can really sense the remorse she has for all the pain she has caused you.

You know better. Don't allow your fears and insecurities to stop you from making the right decision. You know that, at this time, your wife remains a remorseless liar and cheater. Act accordingly.

She said you were acting irrationally?

By wanting to operate from her lack of communication and cheating? I dont understand that statment.

Was it irrational that she had to live with consequences? That she threw away her marriage for some attention crack and went out with other men? She would be ok with you doing the same?

Irrational that she broke your trust instead of talking to you and getting help?

there is no right answer right now and I think maybe it's best to move forward with the divorce and IC. if something happens between now and then; maybe we can work things out. Right now however, probably best to each get therapy and see how it goes.

Good plan, I think you should do it.

She told you many times that she didn't love you, she was the one who said she wanted a divorce. Above all, her behavior confirms this.

She blames you for her affaires. It's unclear what she's looking for, but it sure isn't you. It won't take long for her to return to the same place.

The show must go on, I guess this is her logic. The therapist is a willing and paying audience your WW is problably putting on a show. Sorry, but I don't have a good feeling about this situation.

Don't rush with your decision, but don't take too long, life goes by too fast.

I went back and looked at your other posts. You should prob get if for co dependency. She cannot define you. You don't lover the way she wants? She keeps cheating? She's had sex with other men.. Don't lie to yourself. This isn't R until she owns up to her crap she's keeping you around because your her security blanket. She might change but it seems she's re entitled.

Therapist made a point in saying that any shared argument, disagreement or experience will always be different between to parties. That if she were to hold a coin between us, one would see heads, the other tails; but it would still be the same coin.

Yes, but as an objectively rational human being, who sees only one side of the coin, you should be reasonable certain of what the other side looks like and act accordingly. Your WW knew what she wanted (her side) and how it would break the bonds of marriage, or the other side.

Still, your therapist sounds better than mine, who asked me how I contributed to the affair. If I recall, I wasnt asked...

Good luck OP. Keep looking out for yourself.

How do you check metadata? is it as easy as looking at our cellphone bill?

Yep. It will have a list of every call/text/image, the number it was sent to/from, and a time.

That is the "metadata". So then when you look at her actual phone. Make sure the number of messages matches along with the time received/sent.

Nerdy,

How you doin mate? Everything ok? Moving forward?

Just checking up on you. Hate that you have to go through this.

Making a post about my update