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I thought we had been doing well, my WW and I would talk, go for walks, go to gym together, I thought we were finally putting her affair behind us. Then in the last month or so she has suddenly become very argumentative, extremely picky, nagging about stupid insignificant things. When I asked her what was up she just said that things were getting on top of her and why should it bother me.

I just responded that the last time she was anywhere near like this she was in the middle of an affair and the behaviour seemed consistent.

She then lost it, saying I should be past it by now (2yrs 4months) that what she did didn't give me the right to judge her everytime she is off, that I needed to accept who she was and that that was part of her past. She literally was 100% opposite of the person who told me she was sorry and would do anything to make up for what she had done..

Has anyone else had one of these blips with their wayward partner during attempted R??

Is she still in contact with AP?

that I needed to accept who she was and that that was part of her past.

Huh.

I wonder if there’s some things she needs to accept about you. Like that your trust in her, while enough for a functioning marriage, will probably never again be 100%. That you’re still healing from the tremendous emotional damage that she inflicted on you. Like maybe you’re still a while off from being able to give her the benefit of the doubt when she starts acting strange. Like her being defensive instead of empathetic might have your gut screaming at you.

that I needed to accept who she was

Not just was, but is.....

You should always deal with who is in front of you, well, because, that IS who they are. Sometimes the person standing in front of you is a good person; sometimes they are not. They are a sum of their individual actions.

As of right now, the actions are not very good. As a matter of fact, they are very telling of her mindset.

I think when you have perhaps been removed from it for a while, having it suddenly brought up can be painful for the WS (or fWS).

It would be ideal for them to say, "I'm sorry I hurt you that way before and it's making you anxious about how I'm behaving now." The reality is that sometimes people get defensive and go down the "just get over it" path now and then, especially if their behavior is NOT related to the A. They feel like you are pulling in an old wound that has nothing to do with the current problems.

I spent about a year in limbo and then the last six or seven months in something I would call R. So I haven't had a blow up quite like your describing, but certainly there are times where progress seems to go backwards. Just try to remember the whole process is non-linear. So sometimes you do bring up old memories, or rehash old arguments. But hopefully from a long term view, you are actually seeing progress, not just a repeating cycle.

It would probably help for both of you to bring it up again non-defensively. "I did not intend to accuse you of cheating again, I just had a recollection back to a painful time when you were behaving this way." Talk about your negative feelings and hers. See if there is anything you can do about them, or the best way to cope with them.

If my husband would act even remotely distant it would be really triggering for me. I had to take control of my codependency. The reality is, the WS isn’t going to be perfect. They will have off days. Days where they are frustrated. In perfect world, they would always be 100% understanding of the pain they caused us, but that’s not real life, and they are obviously flawed humans. That’s why I can’t depend on my husband to be my barometer for how I’m feeling or for my mood. I’m not saying to tolerate crappy behavior, I’m saying not to depend on your spouse for your own happiness or sense of security. Then you are able to be in a better place to gauge if this is behavior you need to really discuss, something you’re not willing to accept, or an imperfect person having a rough time?

I personally would want to bring up the “you should be past this by now” as a non negotiable statement that should not be said for the foreseeable future.

CJ, I remember your posts. You were advised over and over again that your WW was not remorseful. Remember when she dropped the ball on your 1st antiversary? She expected you to be over it then too when it had barely been 6 months since she was still actively talking to OM.

Gently, what do you expect from her? This was who she was 1 year out from DDay. This is still who she is today. She did not do the work on herself. She did not become a safe partner worthy of R. You did not ask for much more than her going NC with OM and even that was a multi-month struggle. Who she is when she was cheating is still who she is today with the only difference being that she says sorry to you sometimes and spends more time with you neither of which were the root cause of her cheating.

There is a good chance that she is back in contact with OM or someone new. Maybe it's time you brush off those investigative skills and see who she is talking to. Check the phone bill. Put a VAR somewhere that she could be taking phone calls. Figure out if this is a continuation of her previously poor attitude towards your healing or if she's back to cheating again.

Thank you all for your comments and advice..

I sat down and talked with her, telling her any strange behaviour from her is a cause for concern for me.. Especially when she seems so negative towards me as this is exactly his she behaved in her affair.

The phrase I should be over things by now is now never to be repeated.

My gut is not telling me she is having another affair, and is backed up by the evidence available, so I am relatively comfortable there..

She will let me know when she is having a tough time in the future, rather than just taking her frustrations out on me.

Hopefully we are still heading in the right direction even if it does not always feel like it.. I know at 2yrs plus we could have been further along the road.. But that is just the way it is.. Neither one of us did the right things soon enough.. I don't think anyone ever does.