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[This message edited by Manofthehour at 6:23 AM, Thursday, September 16th]

Can you stop putting her on a pedestal first? You are trying REALLY hard to convince us she is a good person, that she loves you, that she is not what she did and etc. Reality check. She is a cheater. Unless my dictionary is obsolete. Last I heard cheaters are not good people. Cheaters do not love the person they cheat on. Cheaters are cheaters because they cheated. You trying to sell me a car or something?

So much excuses for her. So much putting her in a good light. It is not us that wants to reconcile with her. It is you. And this is what the site is about. Whether she is worth it. All I've read is that no she is not because if she was, you wouldn't be here pinning the blame on yourself because a true R worthy candidate will shut that shit down pronto.

You are already dead set on R regardless of what she did or did not do. That is called controlling the outcome. The things you will lose to force the outcome is unfathomable. It is like betting on only 1 number in a roulette. You can be a trillionaire and still lose it all. That is how bad forcing an outcome is. In this case you risk your kids happiness to have a façade of a complete home. The resentment in the air of her towards you. Her feeling trapped and taking it out on the kids. You being unhappy and neglecting them in a dead marriage. These are all very very real examples of how forcing an outcome or controlling the outcome will do.

So to answer your 4 questions.

1. You are not dumb so stop acting like you are.

You were so bothered by the PA before and now you said it does not bother you as much as the EA. Stop lying to us and stop lying to yourself. That is why you wanted the poly in the first place is it not? Do not play us for fools. Your cheating wife is way smarter than that so trying to play games here will just make her manipulate you easier. Holes and indecisiveness like this shows that you have not set boundaries for her or yourself. This means that she can push it around as much as she likes because you allow it.

"He said PA is fine, I'll admit to it but not to the acts. Oof, he said unprotected may not be ok thought so lets leave that out for now." See what I mean?

2. This is a dirty game where the dirtier person that is most willing to throw away the marriage wins. So being noble and giving ground is dumb. If you want to fix your marriage you need to first be willing to throw it away. Being able to walk away in of itself is a trait that makes a person worth FIGHTING for. Not to mention that qualities the man/woman should have in the first place to be able to walk away. Qualities such as principle, discipline, boundaries, self-value, confidence, empathy and sympathy FOR YOURSELF as well as others, pride, self-respect. It is a myriad of qualities that can allow a person to walk away and those qualities make their partner want to fight for them. You are in reconciliation sub before determining she is worth it. That tells a lot by itself.

3. Nothing on the anniversary. It is a day to remember the vows you took. Which she broke. Why are you celebrating that. Celebrate her breaking of her vows? Of her stepping out? Common sense. Nothing to celebrate. Communicate that to her. Be firm.

"No, I will not celebrate a broken marriage. I am not over the affair because I have not gotten the truth. Until YOU fix it and fix us, there is nothing to celebrate. I will be responsive to your actions to save the marriage but if there is nothing to respond to then I have my decision made for me." Tell yourself something along the lines of that to determine your action.

4. What to do? 180. It has been 3 years. It is time to build yourself into someone good enough to walk away. Grey rock until the poly is done then start communicating depending on the outcome. If it was a PA, what would you do. If it was only an EA what would you do. You cannot come to an answer with her manipulating you so you need to grey rock the hell out of her so you can come to a decision. 180 until you come to an answer. She will be frustrated. You will be tempted. Like I said, quality of being a person worth fighting for because you CAN walk away.

During the 180, build a life without her. Friends, families, kids, activities, job opportunities, hobbies. You said you had no one nearby or something. Make friends or go to therapy. Many things you can do to amend that. Build a fulfilling life. Make your life so good that you are happy by yourself. I believe that no one should live through life not being able to love or being loved. I myself will not accept dying alone. You are in your early 30s. You CAN find another. Especially where you are from where divorce is not so much a stigma. Hook up culture is a thing and etc. There are bars to pick up and talk to other people.

She can either fix the marriage or she wont. Either way you CAN make it so that you will be fucking fine without her.

Do you think I’m dumb and whipped by wifey for this?

No, from what I can gather from your posts, she could very well be telling you the truth. Do you feel like she's trying? What does your gut say?

Do you think this is a noble selfless stance?

No, I think it's what you want. Do you want to feel noble and selfless? If so, maybe you need to dig deep and find out why.

How do u think i should go about our 10th anniversary?

A card and dinner, or whatever you normally do. Nothing over the top. Or, if you don't feel like celebrating, tell her that you're not up for it this year.

What would you do in this situation?

Proceed with the poly and go from there.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 2:53 PM, Thursday, August 12th]

Good mothers don't risk their children's family,and sense if security, for another man. Good mothers don't risk divorce by having an affair.

Maybe she was a good mother before the affair. And she might be one now..if she is being honest with the father of her children..but she wasn't a good mom during the affair.

Good luck with the polygraph. I read your story,and actually think they didn't have sex. But I believe she wanted to. Which is, in my opinion, just as bad.

I do think you need to take off the rose colored glasses. She needs to be held accountable. And you need to stop holding back.

Good mothers don't risk their children's family,and sense of security, for another man. Good mothers don't risk divorce by having an affair.

Maybe she was a good mother before the affair. And she might be one now..if she is being honest with the father of her children..but she wasn't a good mom during the affair.

Good luck with the polygraph. I read your story,and actually think they didn't have sex. But I believe she wanted to. Which is, in my opinion, just as bad.

I do think you need to take off the rose colored glasses. She needs to be held accountable. And you need to stop holding back.

When I read your post I see someone who has severe shame, fear and abandonment issues. I am willing to bet that when she is upset or unhappy about anything, whether or not you are the cause, it causes extreme anxiety in you and you start acting in ways to try to make her feel better. It is called The Nice Guy Syndrome, and personally, I think you have bucketloads of it. Please read The Healing Library on this site. Many good articles and books can be found there. You need to drill down into your shame and fear and start facing those. A good IC can help you do that.
All the best to you.

Soo i do always try to keep the peace but it doesnt cause me severe anxiety, she actually hasnt really gotten upset at anything lately not with me anyway, i think we bedn thru enough to kno how to deal with eachother, honestly if i didnt bring this back up it prob would have at some point but the relationship was n pretty much still is very good, she initiates sex with me way more than before n i can tell she got the hots for me but anyway i guess the point of the marriage is to focus on your spouse. I know if my wife was to leave, i had given my all n my best n the next person prob gets it better than her but if we are together longer she will reap the benefit, dont build a life for any amount of years n think u should just walk away, atleast try, people make mistakes some worse than others i think people who are quick to leave a situation are weak n prob suffer from abandonment issues

I think it sometimes takes great strength, to walk away from a spouse you love, because they're being abusive.

people make mistakes

Mistakes are accidents. It's getting skim,when you meant to get 2%.

Affairs are choices,typically several hundred, conscious choices.

How does someone “fall out love” for a week? What sort of cretinous nonsense is that? To be clear I mean your wife and her drivel.

[This message edited by Thumos at 8:27 PM, August 12th (Thursday)]

Pick ME! Pick ME! Pick ME! Pick ME! Pick ME! Pick ME!...

Now we have that off your chest, maybe it's time to return to reality.

I'll go straight to the questions...

Do you think I’m dumb and whipped by wifey for this?

Is there any doubt in your mind?

Do you think this is a noble selfless stance?

No. I think it is approving of what she did and enables her to do so again. She has no consequences. And never will.

How do u think i should go about our 10th anniversary?

All things considered, give her whatever she wants.

What would you do in this situation?

Make certain she understands the gravity of what she did and the marriage will hang in the balance for a long time. Any lies and it's over. She needs to prove to you how a liar and deceiver is worthy of any semblance of trust. Hall passes don't make it.

Pray for her to pass that poly as i am please and pray for my family thanks!

You need all the wisdom you can get.

Oh no!!! You have to see her for what she is, take her off the pedestal, you will never “nice” her back. She has deliberately destroyed your M and family. She isn’t who you think she is, she can change, but it takes a lot of work. My advice is don’t rug sweep this, and do not take any options off the table.

MotH, I think there is something that you need to understand - SI is not a place where people will advise you to accept responsibility for your WW's choice to cheat, protect her from the fall out of the consequences of her actions, accept her as a good person who made a mistake instead of a real, complexly flawed person who does a mixture of good and bad things, and to carry the burden of R at all costs until your children reach a certain age. It's not even close to what our model of affair recovery is. You're free to post anywhere you want and anything you want according to the guidelines but if you're looking for support in any of the behaviors I listed above that you have demonstrated in your posts, you may need to find it elsewhere. If you want a loud and outspoken challenge to your behaviors listed above, keep posting.

That said, I hope the polygraph goes well for you and in the event she does not pass, I hope that you will be a little more open minded about how to hold her accountable and to ask her to fix herself and figure out how she allowed herself to fall out of love for that week (or however long) and risk your whole family life for the OM. Preferably with the help of an IC.

i think people who are quick to leave a situation are weak n prob suffer from abandonment issues

... or it could be that hey actually know what they want out of their lives.

The flipside of that quote above is:
'i think people who are quick to stay in a situation are weak n prob suffer from codependency issues'

Whether a person stays or goes, it will depend on their own boundaries and mindset. Like R or D.

You have posted that you are not bothered by a PA. Okay, then will you bothered by your WS failing the poly? Have you considered this possibility? If you have not, but would not care about the outcome, then maybe it would be good not to waste money on the poly.

FYI, I dropped by ex-fiancee like a hot potato, as a hard boundary I have is that I do not tolerate betrayals.

i think people who are quick to leave a situation are weak n prob suffer from abandonment issues

Sure, that's possible. Hanging on could be a sign of abandonment issues, too.

'i think people who are quick to stay in a situation are weak n prob suffer from codependency issues'

That's true for some people, too. Apologizing for a WS's A is evidence for co-dependence, IMO.

One characteristic does not make a diagnosis.

Calling someone weak - even thinking of someone as weak - on the bass of one characteristic does a disservice to both the subject and the object. We know very little about each other, not enough to make that sort of judgment. We are ALL stronger than we realize. As it is said, if you're pointing a finger at someone for something, stay fully aware of where your other fingers are pointing.

JMHO. You are making a decision without having all the facts.

I would do whatever you want to do. Familar is not the same as safe. Are you sure you are not holding onto this because of fear ? Fear of failure perhaps ? Outside of not cheating anymore what has your wife actually done to prove she is remorseful ?

Look I understand. Happily reconciled my self, but I was way less accomodating than you have been.

Have you seen an IC? I see you sublimating a lot if things. It is very simple. You deal with the trauma ir it deals with you.

Has she taken the poly, Manofthehour?

Slight t/j:

@Sissoon,

One characteristic does not make a diagnosis.

Absolutely agree with this.

Calling someone weak - even thinking of someone as weak - on the bass of one characteristic does a disservice to both the subject and the object.

Perhaps I worded it in a way that what I meant could be interpreted as an attack. Apologies for that. It was not my intention. What I was trying to do, was to get MotH to consider that the opposite can also be a truth, and not to be too 'sure' of his statement.

Situations can change (sometimes frighteningly fast), and by locking oneself in a statement like the one he posted, can limit his options mentally (which he should not be doing right now).

end t/j

Situations can change (sometimes frighteningly fast), and by locking oneself in a statement like the one he posted, can limit his options mentally (which he should not be doing right now).

I just thought that should be bolded....