SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is it a midlife crisis affair?

English is my second language so be patient with me and excuse the mistakes.

Dd was 12/15/21
Me BS 43
Him WH 43
20 years 14M 18DD 8DS

I don’t know how the affair started, I haven’t asked.
My husband started showing signs of a midlife crisis 11/2020. Working out a lot, spending a lot of time with new friends (10 years younger than him) buying broken down cars to fix them.(something he always dislike)

We own a warehouse that has a studio, March 2021 he let a sub contractor (T) and his wife move in with out letting me know. T has a drug problem so I had already told my husband not to let him stay there because he made a mess the last time.

T found out about the affair around June ( not completely sure on the timeline) H didn’t answer his phone all morning and afternoon so I went to the warehouse and found his phone broken outside the door.

I was told by his older sister that while high T had try to kill his wife my H ( the hero) had taken her to her sister home.( lie no sister he got her an apartment)

T never contacted me. My gut tells me that he’s more than happy to have my H take care of his burden ( she has 3 kids) I wonder if they planed it together. Your thoughts?

July 21 H bought a very expensive RV without consulting me. I found out that his mother went with him to get it. She has never like me cause in her sick mind I’m the woman who took H away.
When we moved in together she left a message in which she was crying and complaining about him leaving her for me.

On 12/15/21 I called my husband and put him on speaker so my son could talk to him. She answered his phone, my son asked her for his dad and she was like hi sweetie how are you?
I took the phone and asked who the F she was my H took the phone said he’ll call later and hung up I called back he picked up and I could hear her telling him to tell me(tell her, tell her) he said my girlfriend.

You can imagine the screaming and fighting that took place and I completely forgot my son was right there 😣

I kicked him out that day tossed all his clothes out.
He ended the affair and I let him come back 2 weeks later. I didn’t feel he was being sincere or remorseful. (On the fence) We fought a lot I was very angry. He couldn’t handle it. He started staying at the studio a few days out of the week.

On January 28 I decided to kick him of the fence, I took his clothes to the studio. He got very angry, told me he wanted nothing to do with me, that all I do is hold him back 🙄

3 days later he tells me that T called him to tell him that he (T) was leaving the country and asked him to take care of his wife and kids. He asked me to let them move into the rental house. We own 50 acres and there’s 2 homes we rent one.

The floors were been replaced so it was available.
I said HELL NO. Huge fight about both of us been equal owners.
5 days later I found her there. I was so angry I wanted to bulldozer the house. Our 18 year old daughter came over to calm me down and told him to stop disrespecting his family for a whore that if he really thought we wanted to have him rubbing it on our faces.

He started playing victim after that. Blaming me for all our financial problems. He has convince himself that it’s my fault we’re on the verge of bankruptcy.

I found transfers of thousands he transferred to her account back in December 2021. Hotels and expensive dinner charges. He stopped making payment to subcontractors, open secret bank accounts and maxed out 7 credit cards.

We have always been very good at managing money this is completely out of character.

He spent all February trying to force me into refinancing to pay off everything and give him enough money for the down payment on a new home.😵‍💫

I finally told him to stop the emotional, verbal, physiological and financial abuse. His response " you’re the one doing all that to me. You get to keep the homes, the business and all the money, are you happy you won." He did stopped.

I did get medicine cause I was having constant panic attacks just hearing my phone vibrate would send me into a panic attack. The first 2 months I was in fight mode doing everything humanly possible to get us out of the terrible mess.

As soon as Dd drop I called my older brother and had him move into the studio to help me. ( he has done so much for me i don’t know what I would have done) Husband got angry saying that we were trying to take over his business.

According to H and his mother I plan everything with the goal of giving my brother everything.🙄
Not only has he been working for free but he gave me the money he had saved for a down payment.
He got divorced 2 years ago and left the house to his ex and children.

The last 3 weeks we have been able to talk with out fighting. 4/21 he apologized said he was so sorry for everything and he didn’t know what was wrong with him. He gave me a hug and left. 4/24 he called said he was frustrated and wanted to hang himself.

4/25 we were working together an had a deep conversation about his feelings and once again said he felt like hanging himself. I wanted to take him to get AD but he refused. I ended up hugging him and we ended up making out for like half an hour. Ugh

I was the one to pull away, 10 minutes later his face was hilarious I could tell he was regretting it. He told me back in February that he was deeply in love with her. But he has been texting me regularly the past 2 weeks for emotional support. Your thoughts.

I don’t regret kissing him nor do I feel guilty about it in my head he’s still my husband under god and the law. I have no intention on letting him be a cake eater either. It hurt me to see him so broken down first time I have seen him cried in 20 years.

He been avoiding me the past few days. He texted that he’ll go work tomorrow. I’m going to have a very stressful talk with him tomorrow. I’m having my brother move into the rental house. Ugh what should I say? I told him I used my brothers money to pay the pass due accounts but he thinks that I had money hidden.

He’s not thinking rationally I even show him the check.

I don’t know what we’re going to do my mind changes every hour. Sometimes I feel that our marriage it’s worth fighting for we had 19 good years, he has taken good care of us that whole time.
I was very depressed after my son was born he put up with a lot.

I almost died in 2019 I was hospitalized for 2 weeks and had to have a nurse come to my house for another 2 weeks after that. He took care of everything and was there for me.

I don’t know if it’s possible he created a huge mess. He’s mother was vindictive (sociopath) and did horrible things that are unforgivable. MIL and Younger SIL knew of the affair and encouraged it.
I saw hate towards me back in January I can’t unsee it. A lot of other stuff that I didn’t include in this long novel.

My husband turned into a monster I couldn’t take it anymore and asked him to please stop treating me so badly 3 weeks ago and it did get better.

Are all affairs the same? I read that MLC affairs mostly end in D.

I would appreciate any guidance. Thank you.

Get your finances in order. See an attorney to look at your rights. Get one who will fight for you.

Yes, this is an affair of an idiot. Don’t hope for a R. He is too far gone. You need to salvage what you can and let go of the rope. He is pulling you under.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and hope you are taking care of yourself. Whether or not this is a MLC does not seem to be the right question. Is your husband safe? It does not appear so. I see in your post all the things you are considering, his upbringing, his kindness when you were ill, but that is not what you need to be considering right now. The why is the last thing to dig into, the what is all that matters right now. Hope got very much in the way of me seeing the truth of what was happening in my life and I regret not pushing harder to assert and protect myself.

The financial issues are very concerning, he is risking your stability to support his AP and his lifestyle. Please try to stop making excuses for him right now, that is material for MC should your M survive this. For now, focus on the facts you have and protect yourself, financially and emotionally. Take care and please continue to reach out here for support. There are much wiser people than me here who have been my lifeline.

Please take a breath.
Then set up appointments with your doctor for STD testing.
Then with a lawyer to understand what Divorce MIGHT look like and how to protect your finances legally while he is still being an ass. He’s out of control this and it is horrible!
And find someone IRL to talk to— pastor, best friend, IC—- you need an outlet.

Then understand that MLC or not, this is unacceptable. He’s cheating on you and your kids. He’s using your marital finances to fund his bad habits and risking your financial security. He is endangering your health, the health of the mother of his children.

Protect yourself. Breathe. And get yourself out of infidelity. Maybe he’ll become the man you married. But right now— and for a while now- he is not even your friend. ((Hugs)) sorry you found yourself here.

Thank you

I already had a sti and std done, I’m clean.
I spoke to a lawyer I was hoping I would be able to keep the home with the rental. Our son is Autistic, I take him to 3 different therapies weekly. I want to be able to survive with a part time job and the rental income.

He wants to sell the home and the business. I don’t want to file now I’m waiting to see if he’ll change his mind about the home.

I want to be able to be there for my son. He hasn’t filed or talk to a lawyer yet.

En- you have to be very careful. The financial issues really start clouding a lot of things in your marriage. Its the other women who is trying to worm her way in so that she can be a kept women. She is manipulating your husband. You also have his mom and sister in his ear. You have a very tough battle ahead.

For you to save your marriage, it sounds like you want to try, you will have to fight off 3 other women. His mom, sister and this other woman, who are capable of working together to make life hard for you. Having your brother there is good, but you need to document the money he gave you to pay the bills and maybe even show some rent he is paying. It would look on the up and up if it had to go to court.

You need to have a real sit down tough talk with your husband and give him your ultimatum and be ready to walk. He either chooses you and your family and kids, or he chooses the other woman. You need to get that out of the way first. Then the next discussion is what you all do with his mom and sister. He needs to back you, his wife, and tell his mom to back off. If he does not, that will still linger in your marriage.

It doesnt matter what type of affair this is, it matters how your WH behaves after being caught. Is he remorseful, is he willing to do that it takes to save your marriage and protect you and get the help he needs. It sounds like he needs at least counseling if he says he wants to hang himself. You also need to document that to protect yourself. If you document that, most likely the Judge will give you full custody b/c he is not stable, giving you a better chance of keeping the home and the rental. You also need to document all the money he spent on the other woman, the RV and money he gave her. The secret accounts and make sure you try to locate money he probably gave his mom and sister for keeping.

Thank you HT

I do have proof of him miss managing money from the business. I also took pictures of the transfers he made to her from his secret account.

He said she makes him happy because she doesn’t nag him 🙄

He doesn’t want R "he deserves happiness " at our expense? Trash

Not sure what else to do. I definitely don’t want the current him, I don’t think is possible for the previous person to return either.

I did read that is possible for them to go through the midlife transition and become a better person.
I don’t plan on waiting around it could take years.

Hello EnPedasos. Sorry you find yourself here. I agree with the previous responses - doesn't matter what kind of affair it is. It is infidelity, plain and simple. Doesn't hurt less if you call it a Mid Life Crisis (MLC). I'm so sorry your family is living this nightmare. Because of his FINANCIAL INFIDELITY, please talk to a lawyer ASAP. And after working closely with the lawyer to prepare paperwork and secure documentation, please consider filing for divorce or separation ASAP to protect your family. Simply filing has some financial protection built in. And, if you change your mind you can stop the divorce/separation process at any time. In some jurisdictions it takes months to progress through the stages to secure a divorce/separation.

Now for your question about "Midlife Crisis Affair" I'm going to cut and paste a response I gave to another poster addressing this very issue. I hope this helps. The goal here is to HELP YOU, not make you feel bad. You mention MLC as if this is some natural phase of life you can wait out while he progresses through it. Not so! I know if you google Mid Life Crisis all kinds of legitimate looking information pops up. Most of that is pop psychology not based on research or treatment. Folks have even written books about MLC! Doesn't make it real. Think about it. If MLC were a real thing, wouldn't more people experience it? If MLC were a REAL "transition" as you refer to it, wouldn't there be more responsible research to support this so called life transition? One of the dangers of buying into the MLC narrative is the temptation to wait it out - because a crisis is a temporary thing. A crisis will pass. Your financial situation calls for action! Secret bank accounts and pressure to sell the house/business doesn't bode well. The longer you wait the more time he has to spend family funds, hide money and cover his tracks. I'm glad you "don't plan on waiting around."

Something I've been thinking about I'd like to share. As they say here, take what you need and leave the rest. This is my opinion. I recommend caution regarding the whole MLC thing. I too thought my H was "taken over by aliens" - my knee-jerk response to his cheating was to classify it as an MLC. So to deal with his A I did what I do - researched and read. What I learned helped me. And opened my eyes to see his choices for what they really were. Not an MLC, but a poor life skills crisis. He wasn't taken over by aliens. This was the real him. Life's challenges exposed his weak character. Which can happen at ANY age. For an entitled person (of any age) sometimes it's easier to just run away. To escape. Instead of facing life's challenges and developing inner resources to deal with them, my H looked for escape. Some cheaters with poor life skills (like your WH?) also feel entitled to walk away from the difficulty of real life, commitment, and growing old. If the MLC narrative was accurate, wouldn't most people experience one? We all get old. But BS on SI aren't chasing decades younger APs, abandoning their kids, or buying red Corvettes to cope with the passing of youth.

Bear with me while I get didactic on ya. To my knowledge there's no verifiable empirical data confirming that MLC is a true condition. Just the opposite is true - that by midlife personality tends to be fixed. In a nutshell, research shows "the MLC as we describe it — middle aged cheaters desperate to keep youth and freedom as they face old age — is a myth, whether the cheater is a man or woman, since similar problems can peak at other periods of the lifespan, from adolescence to old age."

Spend enough time on SI and for sure, anecdotally the MLC seems to be a thing. Provides a useful trope to poke fun at WS. But be aware, MLC also provides a handy narrative for the cheater. Grasping onto the myth of the MLC also provided a handy narrative for me, and I think for other BS. That given time he'd come out of "the fog." MLC explained how my usually reliable H could be so unhappy. And if an MLC is a typical life phase, then selfishly blowing up our marriage was him simply following a predictable life path.ME: "Hey, it's a typical life transition - so my H isn't really a selfish entitled A hole - it's an MLC! Phew "

A "crisis" by its nature is temporary. Which gave false hope that this "crisis" would pass. That he'd remove his head from his posterior on his own and recognize what a selfish idiot he was being, the grass isn't greener, that sparkly new will get old. That this was a PHASE. The reality is my H cheated because he wanted to. His shitty coping skills enabled his affair. Poor life skills are not a phase of life! Could have happened at any age. The timing of his poor life skills crisis just happened to coincide with late middle age. There was no correlation between these two things.

Only after I was ready to move on and leave him choking in my dust did he look at himself. And take responsibility for his choices. He was willing to dig deep and work hard to make change in himself. To address his poor life skills crisis. 4 years later he's still working on this BTW. From your description, doesn't seem likely your WH would be a candidate for the heavy lifting required to become a better person in the wake of his betrayal. He's not suffering the effects of a supposed MLC. MLC is not a syndrome :-). IMHO this is not a phase. This is who he is. And calling it a MLC gives him an easy out.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 2:00 AM, Thursday, March 31st]

Thank you BB

so my H can't simply be a selfish entitled A hole - it's an MLC! Phew.

😂 your post was very helpful. I told WH that I didn’t want to be his emotional support. I went off on him today. He was cooperative and agreed with what I was telling him.

He’s texting me about having chest pain. Ugh

I know that as soon as he gets home the 3 women are going to change his mind. He’ll be sending me rude messages.

I’m not sure how well they are working together, his mother did send him a text message in December telling him to break up with OW because of what she did to him( answering his phone) MIL just wants him single and to take care of her.

My lawyer said I will be able to buy him out of the house from the sell of the business.

He’s not able to take any more money from the business I locked him out and suspended all credit cards. I also stopped payments on the apartment, they moved in with his mother.

Looks like I’m heading for D. Ugh I just want to sleep.

Very sorry you are here. Nobody deserves this crap. You are doing very well, but you must feel exhausted. So good that your brother is there for support.

If you can, eat healthy, exercise and have fun with your kids. Good health will help you stay strong. None of his infidelity is your fault. Accept no blameshifting. He cheated because he wanted to do it. Period. That’s the cold hard truth. If he is not forthcoming and continues in the A, limit your communication. Discuss childcare and finances only. If you engage with him he will only try to hurt you.

Always value yourself. You deserve a partner who loves you and cherishes your connection. It’s up to him to face his character flaws and try to make himself a better person. It requires humility and the ability to look at yourself in the mirror. Keep moving forward. If he wants to stop the D process and separation it is up to him to demonstrate remorse and empathy for your pain. You and your children deserve better. Good luck.

Thank you Fareast for your kind words.

I have lost a lot of weight. I was given medicine to increase my appetite.

I just don’t understand. We worked so hard to get to where we are. We were about to open a new location. He destroyed everything for a homeless woman who doesn’t want to work.

She’s not younger, better looking, attractive or a better mom. She left her kids and moved in with WH

If it’s not MLC did half his brain cells died?

My H had a MLC affair. Typical crap - same as you.

I found out 19 days after Dday he was planning to D me to be with the much younger OW. Yup yup yup he deserved to be happy blah blah blah.

I didn’t know about SI si I acted on instinct.

I had an exit strategy and a financial plan. I took all my financial documents out of the house and had my accounts locked down.

6 months later I decided I could t live with his lying & cheating and I had enough. I told him I was D him and I was getting out from the infidelity cloud.

Best thing I did.

Your H is clearly in the affair fog. Not much you can do right now but protect yourself.

EnPedasos:

I bumped a thread for you to read entitled “honey, they always affair down”. Take a look. I think it may give you a perspective. Hang in there. Good luck.

En - so sorry you are here! I too am going through what I think is MLC with my H, who is engaged to the much younger Ow. Mine has made some awful decisions and continues to neglect his kids. Bomb drop for me was this past October.

Definitely work on you and try to be one step ahead of him if you can. Remember this is not about you
- MLC affair or not. This about him.

The focus is you and your kids. Be careful of him being nice. While I was in the beginning with mine, he played nice sometimes and I think I took it the wrong way. It always led up to something he needed from me. I am still learning as I go. You will get lots of great advice and view points on here.

Again, I am sorry you find your self here, no one ever wants to find themselves here. I am still learning a lot and feel I don’t always have the awesome advice some of the seasoned BS’s have but I will try my best and let u know that ur are supported!

((Hugs))

Thank you

The1stwife how were you able to get past all the damage done during an after finding out about the affair?

I just found out he bought her a car at the beginning of December. He paid cash an it’s under her name. I’m so angry and disappointed. I haven’t figured out a way to prove it but he admitted it.

Fareast I read that. Thank you
Not only did she know he was married but she’s still married her self. True be told it could have been anyone. He just enjoyed feeling wanted by someone new.

FF is horrible we have to deal with their insecurities.
He’s engaged? While still married to you? Ugh
He has definitely play nice when he wants something. The last couple of weeks he’s been playing on my emotions to get sympathy from me.

I did let his older sister know that he was suicidal. I didn’t call 911 because MIL would have twisted it into me wanting to get full custody.

I want my kids to spend as much time with him as possible. It’s important for their self esteem and confidence.

The1stwife how were you able to get past all the damage done during an after finding out about the affair?

It’s not easy. And there are some things that may be dealbreakers. Every betrsyedcdoiyse has a different tolerance level.

My H did not spend much $ on her but the thing that still angers me is that they celebrated his 50th birthday in advance of the plans I had made.

She was in his ca! I never sat in it again and he was smart enough to get rid of it.

So the fact he bought her a car for cash and is leaving you financially in a bad position may be something you cannot get past.

For me I initially wanted to R. I made some very poor choices and I overlooked some things I shouldn’t have. I was dragging him down the R path initially while he did nothing. I did all the work and he made no effort.

When I found out he was still cheating I snapped. I had enough. It was 6 months of hell. I knew then I had to save myself. I had children who needed a parent front and center. Not someone broken and emotionally disconnected.

So I walked up to my H and very calmly told him "I am Divorcing you. I’m sorry it has come to this but I have no other choice. You are free to go and be with the OW or anyone else you choose."

And I left the room. I didn’t yell. I didn’t curse. I said what I had to say in 30 seconds and walked away.

He is now begging me to R. I refuse. I told him he had to leave. He said he wasn’t leaving. I picked up the phone and found a friend he could stay with for a few days and after that he was in his own. I no longer cared.

He kept hounding me to R. So I demanded a post nup agreement to even consider R. He signed it with no problem. Any assets in my name are mine and not part of any D settlement.

Somehow my H figured out what he needed to do to R. I saw him making immediate changes. Changes that are permanent 8 years later. He never slid back to that jerk he was during the affair.

I won’t lie and say there isn’t damage or fall out from his plan to D me. But he admits it was a stupid plan and the affair never would have lasted. It took a good 2 years to trust he wasn’t still planning to D me.

But we are happy now. We are lucky.

But I don’t know if I could R if the financial issues you are facing were something my H did. Putting me in financial jeopardy might have been something I just couldn’t get past.

Please do whatever is necessary to protect yourself.