This is going to be a long post so I apologise in advance.
I really need some help as I know my past trauma is affecting how I deal with this. And being in a different country and so far from home is not helping either.
Me and my partner met in the UK two years ago, I had not long moved from a different town to escape an abusive relationship I was in. When we first started talking the relationship was magical, he treated me like no one ever has before was extremely caring and generous and we even went on a carribbean holiday very early on and got on famously. We moved in together in the UK and he needed to move to the USA for work so I moved with him and he also employs me.
I'll note now that prior to this relationship I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, physical, emotional the full works and it left me with PTSD and severe trauma which affects me everyday and affects how I cope with things.
In the beginning of our relationship his ex was very much in the picture as they had not been apart long, big red flag I know. They were together for five years. He was one of my uncles friends and that somehow gave me some reassurance that he would be a decent guy and never hurt me. He's 23 years my senior. I am 33 he's 56. The age gap was a big issue for him in the beginning as he thought I could do better etc and he struggles with being very insecure too. I gave him alot of advice regarding his ex as she was very upset and wanted him back. As it turns out I don't think they have ever really ended their relationship, I did say I did not want to tread on anyone's toes and cause any upset. Even though he is older than me and is wealthy that is not the reason I am with him. I need to make that clear, as I know how society portrays age gap relationships. I pay my way for everything and even told him in the beginning this is how it would be even though he earns alot more that me as I have always been independent that way.
So we have been living in the USA for a few months now, we travel alot and live between here and Portugal. I have had my suspicions for a long time as I work for him and I have seen things when doing his expenses but I have just been in denial and ignored it. I saw bank statements whilst doing his expenses.
Fast forward to now, I know for certain that he has cheated on me with his ex, throughout our entire relationship, when they split up she was distraught and wanted him back and still does even though he's been stringing her along for two years and moved away with me.
I found out a few months ago when I decided to go through his phone, not something I am proud of but I needed clarification, there were so many inconsistencies, holes in stories and he's lied to me before. I had given him plenty of opportunities to be open and honest with me and he has always denied it. Please be aware that as I work for him I have full access to everything else.
So the first infidelity was....
He cheated on me with her last year. He travels alot for work and was in the USA for two months, towards the end of the trip he told me that he was going to a different state to meet some guys he hadn't seen for a long time. I said okay to this as he had been away for two months and had been working very hard and I'm not a controlling girlfriend who is going to stop him from seeing his friends. However during this time I had just started a new job for a helpline for domestic abuse but it had proved too much for me as it was too much of a trigger and made me very ill. He knew all this and decided to stay out there for an additional 5 days and as it transpires he flew her out there to meet him, before flying home to me. I saw flights on a bank statement and chose to confront it a few months later but was met with denial, even know I knew the truth I decided to stay.
So the second infidelity with her was...
Before we moved to America, he went to Portugal in January of this year saying he needed to go to his villa as there was a leak and it was only a couple of days so it would just be easier for him to go and we had just got back from our holiday over Christmas so I was fine with this. Whilst he was at the airport he sent me what he thought was his boarding pass when in fact it was hers, so obviously I asked what was going on, why hadn't he told me in person. He said that she was going as was going to get the rest of her stuff from the villa, and he wasn't to stay there and stay in a hotel close by. The whole time he was there he was asking me not to leave him, keep saying I was the best thing that have ever happened to him etc... he even told me how messed up he was and that I deserved better, because he was being so nice I chose to ignore the red flags and what I thought I knew deep down and believed him. I have since found out that they just went away to have a dirty weekend.
The third infidelity has been since we have been living here in America, he told me he needed to go away on a business trip and copied and pasted an old email from a company that wanted to buy his. I knew it was a lie, I had seen proof of his previous infidelity at this point and she was saved on his phone under a guys name and he had been telling her that we were not in a proper relationship and he wanted to be with her etc... he wouldn't tell me where he was going to be staying and was very secretive about the trip. But me being me and not feeling strong I couldn't say anything, I asked to go with him and his justification was that he couldn't afford to play for my plane ticket, which obviously was just an excuse. I was very upset the day that he left and he used that as an excuse not to talk to me much for the five days that he was away. He was very off with me and told me he was pissed off with me as I had got upset saying that I knew when we moved he would be travelling alot and I couldn't always go with him. In the time he was away I did manage to start some counselling and also went to a domestic abuse shelter for support for my previous relationship and the current one I am in. The day he's due to come home he switches into being overly nice, can't wait to see me etc.. he comes home everything is fine and stupid me doesn't question anything AGAIN!
A few weeks later we go away on holiday, he has two phones, one is work, one is personal. He says he'll just take the work phone as he just wants it to be us and his laptop just in case he needs it. As this is a USA number we share it, he has his work emails on this phone and his personal email on his personal phone and his laptop. So I knew full well that he would be contacting her whilst we were away. When we got home this was confirmed. They had been emailing whilst we had been on holiday. She's frustrated and upset as she hasn't heard from him much so he's apologising etc... I see emails of her planning to fly to Portugal in October just gone but I was going. Five minutes later after reading these emails an email comes through on our shared phone to his work email. It comes up on the main screen so I couldn't miss it, she's emailed asking him to please tell her what's going on as he's been quiet. I haven't confronted anything at this point, so I go and find him and show him the email she has just sent. Straight into denial, blaming her etc. He let's me reply saying that it's me and that I know everything and that it needs to stop. She replies and says that's why he always messages me on Gmail. He refuses to show me anything even though I had already seen it. When she emailed through the his work emails there were other emails there from when we first moved to the USA and he had sent her flowers, and she had said to him that if he ever found a way to leave me to tell him. I should have shown him these emails when I confronted with the one that came through but I was not thinking clearly. These emails are still there on our shared phone by the way.
Since then, a month ago I did confront and told him I'd snooped. I thought by doing this it would get a confession. Before I had a chance to say anything more he told me we were done as I had invaded his privacy, and that he knew I had done it before, even though I have passwords and access to everything being his personal assistant. He was nasty, and it made me clam up and I ended up apologising and crying and begging him not to leave me. Pathetic I know. I know he was deflected and gaslighting. So then he goes to golf, whilst he's at golf and I'm at home wondering whether he's going to leave me or not he messages me saying that he wants to go out tonight and he doesn't care where it is as long as it's with me. He comes home and we go out and he's tells me not to worry as we are okay. And we continue on as if nothing has happened. He knows what I have been through, and uses that to his advantage. He knows I hate confrontation and at this point thinks that whatever he does doesn't matter as I'll never leave. He has since changed his password on his phone.
We have since been to Portugal and I know he was talking to her and even sent a sexual video to her as it is on our shared phone and he hasn't deleted it properly.
Fast forward to today, he has to fly home to the UK for work. He is using the excuse of not being able to justify paying for my flight. And expects me to just stay here when he knows full well that I know everything and just does not want me to go back as he will be meeting up with her. I have said I really want to go back with him as that's where my family and friends are etc and said ill pay, he told me i dont have enough money, we share a bank account too which I know is silly... he has said that I am suffocating him by wanting to be with him all the time.
I know that I need to leave, but the trauma is stopping me. I can't stand up for myself, I am not sleeping or eating properly. I have no real support network here in the USA. When we have nice times together they are great and we obviously have a nice lifestyle but that will never be the reason that I am staying. I do truly love him, it is probably trauma bonding I know. I can't believe I am in an abusive relationship again. Friends and family know in the UK. I have nothing if I go back home. My parents are in a town where my first abuse first happened and I can't be there for too long without that affecting me. I know this is toxic and I know that I need to leave, I just don't feel as though I have the strength.
