SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know it's been asked before but does your cheater have a cheating family history or if you are the WS do you have one?

I know my post topic is overbroad, but the context for it is this: I just learned my WH's brother, who has been with his partner for almost 20 years, has been asked to leave their home due to his...infidelity. This triggered me - but not in the reliving my own experience - it made me desperately want to reach out to his partner and check on her (I won't as they are very private people and while she has always been nice to me we are not close by a long shot - I don't even have her phone number). But it also made me incredibly sad as his brother was the only one in the male line of his family who hadn't cheated that I knew of.

The cheating family tree:

WH's paternal grandfather - cheated on his wife for years. They had two boys (actually 3 but the 3rd one died very young) leaving her with the boys who were teenagers at the time and taking off with another woman for 20+ years until he was ill, after which he returned to his wife, who dutifully took care of him until he died. Everyone knew of the cheating as he literally moved to another town with the OW (this is SMALL rural America - everyone knows everyone) and no one really talked about it in the family.

WH's father - Married to WH's mother for 25 years at the time - they had two teen aged boys - WH and WH's brother mentioned above. He had a 5+ year affair with a married woman from their church before leaving WH's mother for her (OW's husband was gay but trying to stay in the closet - he had been busted with another man at a rest stop and it made the paper in their small town -seriously you can't make this up it's so cliche - and she was sort of shunned as in their very right-wing extreme religion it was her fault that her husband had "turned" gay so not so sure she was really cheating on her husband as they were married in name only). Whole town found out, WH's father and OW were thrown out of the church - they married 15 yeas later and tried to play off they weren't together for at least 5 years after the A was discovered. WH's mom took WH and his brother out of town for the weekend, told them about their impending divorce, and when they returned their dad had moved out and they never spoke of it again.

WH's father's brother (WH's Uncle) - Married to wife for 18 years, has an affair with an unmarried waitress who gets pregnant and has the baby, and tells BS. Uncle and BS stay married and eventually end up raising his-AP's child as AP goes off the deep end mentally and gives up custody of the child to him. Five years later AP murders BS (unsolved mystery for about 3 years - was on tv etc so they couldn't pretend this didn't happen).

WH - My story - WH has A with married coworker. He also works with her husband the OBS and he was really good friends with him etc etc etc

WH's brother - Supported by long term partner (both do not agree with organized religion and do not want a state-sanctified relationship as they are not into the state having a say in their relationship etc) - committed just like a marriage. Own a house together and lived together exclusively for the last 18 years. His partner supported him for years while he did not work and pursued various educational pursuits. He finally gets a really decent job last year, and apparently met someone at work, and had an A. Don't know if he is leaving for the AP or his partner is kicking him out.

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Basically every male member of my WH's paternal family line have been cheaters (save the boy who died very young of course). AND his brother, and my WH decided to cheat after infidelity absolutely 100% murdered their own aunt. I mean what the actual fuck?!? I know that behavior is learned but holy crap. I had thought of this genetic cheating line before and actually believed that WH's brother was the exception - he seemed ultra committed to his partner - they did everything together. Definitely not a "perfect" relationship in that I would have wanted it, but it seemed to work for them. So I think this has shocked me more because it immediately brought this to mind.

Corresponding food for thought: if this family doesn't establish the importance of dealing with infidelity the right way with the kids IDK what does (or what the right way is, but not the way they did)

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:50 PM, Tuesday, January 10th]

In my WXH's family, it was SOP to have a wife and children be replaced by a new woman and her children. It happened no less than four times, and each time, I was confused and floored by how the whole family just accepted these swap-outs of not only spouses, but also the children that came along with these women. Mind you, no woman in his extended family ever played this game, just the men. I know the same thing happened when my WXH brought his AP and her three kids to the next family get-together. The whole practice made me

This sounds like plot of a netflix show. Dysfunctional family, infidelities, murder, pshycotic AP, illegitimate child etc. Only problem is all cheaters here are only male. Ever thought of directing a netflix show?? You got the best product here.
Anyway, I feel relieved that you are out this Family. And it seems you are doing great on your own. Happy for you, sister!! Keep rocking.

It happened no less than four times, and each time, I was confused and floored by how the whole family just accepted these swap-outs of not only spouses, but also the children that came along with these women.

It's astounding to me - the level of rug sweeping that goes on in these families - I knew I could not be alone here. I mean seriously - rug-sweepers, people who have difficulty talking about anything real or difficult (my mother was the AP 40 years ago - now she's been the second wife for 38 years and she's a rug sweeper extraordinaire and always has been) - are such a freaking problem. It's toxic. Maybe that is why it's so stinking important to get your kids into therapy when this happens, and why at least IMO, it is so detrimental to "stay together for the kids" unless you really are doing right by them - by TALKING about what happened in a realistic and constructive way - otherwise these families are what you can end up with.

Lurking:

This sounds like plot of a netflix show. Dysfunctional family, infidelities, murder, pshycotic AP, illegitimate child etc.

It does to any normal sensible person - to them (and it sounds much like Solarchick's former in-laws) it's freaking normal. I wonder if such a show was made and WH's family saw it they would realize it was modeled after them?!?!?! LOL My former WH would as he is the one who told me about his brother and he seems really upset about it - that it happened again (he's been in a lot of therapy and finally accepts that his family issues really had a lot to do with how he dealt with - or refused to deal - with life for so long).

Both of my H's brothers have been married three times. Bother brothers cheated. I don't know about his parents but I strongly suspect one or both of them cheated.

At a friend's recommendation, I read "Chasing the Scream" by Johann Hari and in the book he focuses on addiction, mostly the type we think of as drug or alcohol addiction, but there is some time talking about how almost all addictions, be they shopping addiction, drug addiction, sex addiction, etc. have a component of the addicted person using their addiction to fill a hole(s) or to numb some pain inside them. As someone myself who has a family full of addicts, I thought that this was interesting because when one looks at addicts over a large enough data set, one of the things that jumps out is that one of the strongest indicators of adult addiction is some sort of childhood trauma. So now we are talking about two different things, the genetic component and the nurture component, but the two are probably inextricably linked. In the case of your WH and his family, it appears that the paternal grandfather's actions set off a chain of events in his family, or a trauma in his family that has seemed to propagate down through the years.

I'm by no means excusing the behavior of your WH, WH Brother, their father and their grandfather, but there may be a genetic component, along the lines of their is a genetic predisposition to them feeling like they are missing something in their life or their addiction seeking behavior and they so choose to fill that hole with the external validation that comes with an affair. There are ways to deal with trauma that are not destructive, but only pointing out that what seems to be an accepted notion that "My partner grew up in a home where one parent cheated on the other and it was destructive to them, so I as the BS cannot understand why they would do it themselves"...we could have misread this or have it backwards, that in fact those from a home with infidelity become more likely to themselves participate in future infidelity than someone who didn't, for reasons we may not understand quite yet.

On my Dad's side it was prevalent. His father cheated on his mom. My dad cheated on his first wife with my mom. His brother had 3 wives cheated on all of them. My uncle's son (my cousin) cheated and left his wife for the OW. My mom cheated on my dad 3 times. I had a revenge A and my xWS led a double life. Surrounded by infidelity here!

My WS's family had infidelity. The most notable was an aunt who was the mistress for over 30 (or maybe 40) years. She never married, never had kids. Her "boyfriend" was a part of family events, holidays, whatever. It wasn't spoken of but the kids all knew and saw the relationship. It led to this idea that affairs weren't that big of a deal. It was normalized.

This is very interesting Bor re a nature + nurture component:

At a friend's recommendation, I read "Chasing the Scream" by Johann Hari and in the book he focuses on addiction...one of the things that jumps out is that one of the strongest indicators of adult addiction is some sort of childhood trauma

I have felt that way for a long time. Granted his family is SOOOOOO dysfunctional that honestly I'm surprised my WH isn't more messed up the more I "learn" about his family. For all I know his grandfather's father cheated too and it goes back and back and back.

I recall a thread years ago where someone asked a similar question and I recall similar answers - cheaters upon cheaters in the past.

My husbands father was a cheater. It was addressed once within the family and never spoken of again. In fact, I was married to my husband at the time, we had just had our first child too. My husband didn’t tell me about his father’s confession, nor did he tell me his mother was upset that we named their first grandchild after the cheating grandfather. Red flag #1! I found out many years later when his sister ‘let it slip’.

My husbands is one of 4 children. 3 out of the 4 have betrayed their partners…the 4th, well, she may have cheated but we just haven’t heard about it. But she has been engaged about 5 times so far. All of those engagements ended badly for unknown reasons(could be infidelity, or maybe just because she’s a huge bitch!).

One of the cheating siblings is also a recovering addict. It was kept hush hush and he was on an ‘extended vacation’ which was really top secret for rehab. His wife was also forbidden from telling anyone why their marriage ended(screwing your best friends wife will do it!) But alas, consequences are a bitch, so let’s just rig sweep that shit…because it’s worked so far

When it was my husbands cheating that came to light, I was treated like you’d expect a family of rug sweeping cheaters to treat you. It was my fault, I was crazy, I was so angry I would likely end up in jail or dead, how dare I contact the AP and rip her a new one because that doesn’t help matters etc etc. I shouldn’t have been surprised…

As our psychologist says, my husbands family has an intimate relationship with dishonesty, and that’s just for starters…but to outsiders looking in? Outstanding members of the community!

I had never given much thought to the culture-wide prevalence of adultery until my wife betrayed me with her immediate supervisor at work, a colorectal surgeon.. It's just about everywhere and is disturbingly normalized if not outright glorified through all media. It really seeps into your consciousness and pollutes your thinking and your soul when you have been cheated on, so much so that when recently I had to take a flight across the US, I found myself looking at couples on the plane and wondering who is possibly cheating on who. The same unsought and unhelpful thoughts pervaded my mind when I took a cruise with WW in the week between the holidays.
As for cheaters in my family, my brother cheated on his first wife multiple times and on his second wife, but he is afraid of his third wife and as far as I know he's refrained from cheating on her out of fear of what she might do I have one nephew and two nieces who were cheated on, and a nephew who cheated on his partner an uncle who cheated on hid wife, and my father cheated on my mother, but they remained together. Infidelity is the new normal I guess, how sad.

There is data that supports cheating as a transgenerational phenomenon (hope I got that tight). Sins of the father and all that. My EXWW cheated obviously, as did her father and his. Shortly after Dday, when talking about her own infidelity,
she told her mother, "Well, like father, like daughter I guess." Yeah, not a hugely introspective bunch they are.

Infidelity nearly destroyed my EXWW's family and deeply traumatized her, so it is counterintuitive that she repeat the cycle, yet there it is. Funny how as BSs we dig down and do the hard work to understand the shit sandwich 🥪 we are given. And in doing this, we inadvertently become "experts" on the dark side of human nature, something I was blissfully ignorant of, beyond the hypothetical I mean.

The end result of the, for me at least, is that I have become, in many ways, a better, stronger, more empathetic person, a much better version of me. My EXWW has stayed the same,demonstrating once again that she is incapable of personal
growth.

Maybe that's the key. Maybe that's part of why each generation cheats...

*Although we never really know for sure* neither of my fWS's parents cheated, and are celebrating 60 years of marriage.

My childhood was chaotic and traumatic, both of my parents cheated, and I have never cheated in my life.

I did develop other maladaptive coping mechanisms, but cheating was not one of them.

Thanks for posing my story HardKnocks!

*Although we never really know for sure* neither of my fWS's parents cheated, and are celebrating 60 years of marriage.

My childhood was chaotic and traumatic, both of my parents cheated, and I have never cheated in my life.

I did develop other maladaptive coping mechanisms, but cheating was not one of them.

If found SI and read a lot for a year or so - saved/restored my sanity badly damaged by WW.

My next door neighbor of 15 years shares my first name. He’s pushing 80 now. In an early conversation at his place, over a bottle of wine, he explained that his Dad used to run around, and he decided that it ended with him. I have seen his kids go the Uni, move out, and bounce back on holidays with partners and grandkids.

My Dad cheated. I decided on much the same course of action as my neighbor. I also view it as an intergenerational commitment. I did have some good examples, my maternal grandmother, and the parents of a couple of my friends. My kids seem way happier than my siblings and I were at the same age.

Last night my daughter was torn about whether to choose chemistry in high school as well as maths. I said I trust her decision. We make the best decision we can, own the decision and work with the consequences. It feels good that I can say little things like that without a voice in my head whispering I’m a fraud.

My Wife's father cheated on her mother.
My wife's sister has cheated on her husband with at least 12 other men.
Also just found out this year that my wife's aunt cheated on her uncle.
Crazy messed up world.

Nope. My paternal grandfather worshipped my paternal grandmother to the point of codependency. She just about went crazy when he died young, and she never looked at another man. My mother's parents weren't very happy together, but if infidelity was an issue, they managed to hide it from their kids.

My parents also had a problematic marriage, but my mother would never cheat, and she's pretty sure my father didn't either. Apparently there was one female coworker who got extremely flirty with him at a New Year's Eve party, and my mother went to her husband and said, "I suggest you take her home before I forget I'm a lady." But if it went past that, no one ever found out.

I can't say I learned to cheat at my family's knees. Blame shifting and conflict avoidance are another matter.

So my sister is a serial cheater.(She is my only sibling) This is recent- in the past couple of years. She is actively in an affair now with multiple ddays. Her husband catches her, she says she is done, he catches her again. I had to detach from her and have not tried anymore to speak to her about it (or anything- I haven’t spoken to her in a few months) because she lies to me.

I have spoke to her husband and given him the advice to divorce her. Instead each time she says she will stop and they go out and get her a bigger diamond ring. So so have washed my hands of it. I have only helped when asked and I would help if asked again. But I am not checking in or reaching out anymore at this point.

I can see she has a love addiction, as did I. (Or as I do? I guess an addict will always be an addict. I do feel I have worked through the contributing issues and have an awareness)

She has financial infidelity as well as habitual lying. I am not a liar outside of the time frame of my affair. She has more mental health issues though.

The only thing I can figure is we both were emotionally abused and neglected, so I am not sure it’s totally a coincidence. I do not think cheating is inevitable based on FOO but I do think it contributed to our weak character, emotional immaturity, poor self worth, and lack of coping skills.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:40 AM, Tuesday, January 17th]

I think this doesn't just apply to cheating. I think many forms of self absorption and self destructive coping mechanisms are learned behaviors in dysfunctional families.

For example, my WW has no less than 7 divorces in her immediate family. One here or there...that's life. But EVERYONE? The only divorce that hasn't happened is me and WW, and that is only because I couldn't pull the trigger.

Of course there is the cheating. WW. MIL. BIL. WW's step mother. WW's grandmother. WW's uncle. WW's cousin. The only person who didn't cheat was my FIL. He was sweetest, kindest man I've ever known. Naturally they chewed him up and spit him out.

I don't know that this sort of pattern is always the case, but this sh!t sure does seem to be "catching" in some families.

I think many forms of self absorption and self destructive coping mechanisms are learned behaviors in dysfunctional families.

Absolutely. My WH's family is the most conflict-avoidant and self-absorbed group of people I've been around (in the don't ask - don't tell - about anything kind of way). And a bunch of cheaters too - they cannot or will not express themselves outwardly in any way that isn't self serving on some level.

A somewhat benign and pathetic example: WH's aunt (his father's sister) made him a birthday cake - we came from out of town a full day's drive away (not for his birthday but it happened to coincide) - and she gave it to us as a surprise when we stopped by her house to say hi. We then brought it to WH's dad's house and went out for a few hours before we were going to have a little makeshift birthday party. When we came back WH's father just "couldn't wait" (Oh you know, that's just how "Dad" is) and ate like 1/4th of the cake himself before the "party." No apologies. No attempt to get a new cake or something - just yeah he wanted it so you know, he ate it. And everyone dug into the $400 worth of food I bought (WH has two favorites - neither cheap) - these people are Wal-Mart shoppers - $60-75 a plate food doesn't show up on their tables often - it clearly was an occasion...the point being they all dug in and no one even said happy birthday. I had to raise my glass and say "Happy Birthday WH" really loud before they all stopped and said anything. I was ready to shove the cake right in that man's face...

WH was irritated, and that stuff (as we have found out from his more recent therapy) really hurts him. But, he never has said a word, ever, to them and never will. He just takes it. And then he behaves in exactly the same way when he's around them. It is soooooo learned. I think dealing with me was a massive change for him as I am an in-your-face-let's-talk-this-out person - the silent treatment is like kryptonite to me. They dish it out like candy at Halloween.

I guess the point of my post was to see if WH's family is some sort of anomaly as in my own family my mom and her father are both cheaters. The rest of us seem (as far as I know) to have stayed away from that. It appears, as I suspected, that it's super common. F-ing sad.