SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I try to post every now and again just in case it will help anyone to read this sort of thing.

Things are generally peaceful in the little apartment. We have nice things, many of which we got in very fortuitous ways. it’s clean and generally orderly.

As an example, I had been wanting a replacement espresso maker because the one I cleaned and repaired that was given to me we have had for almost 3 years and it wasn’t new to begin with. F wanted a coffee grinder. Yesterday I found an almost new espresso machine, a barely used grinder, and $$$ of accessories while out of town for an appointment F had. I messaged the person who had the machine and they said it was sold (no wonder at the price they were asking). The they messaged me back and said the person had changed their mind. We met about 10 minutes from where we were and I have an almost new espresso setup with everything someone could want including things I don’t even know how to use like a bottomless portafilter haha.

Some of the details of what a blessing this was and how it came about I will post in the prayer thread to keep this one from becoming religious. But my short version is that the person did not want this stuff. They were well aware of its value and deliberately dropped the price extremely low. And I gratefully accepted the blessing and added it to many more I have received since no longer being with exwh. It is as if there is more room for good things with him not in my life. More peace. More order. More blessings.

I mention the material things because by the end of the divorce process most of that was gone. I was sleeping and sitting on the floor and had lost my home. But I was free of infidelity.

Recently F (fiance) took off work and took me to one of the top medical centers in the country for my cardiac follow up.
And the results were that I am apparently inexplicably currently free of the life-threatening heart problems I started experiencing several years ago when exwh was deep in the affair. I recently found out about something called broken heart syndrome, and it made me wonder if there was any connection.

My recurrence of the (rare) breast tumor that came back during the abusive divorce process from the first time I had it (during and after EXWH’s cheating episode 1) was apparently managed with the surgery I had recently, and the reports from the tests say it is not currently cancer. I recently found out there is a connection between breast tumors and stress too. And I believe it in my case.

I did everything I knew how to do and much more than I should have to try to save my ex marriage. It failed. But I am so grateful to not still be caught in that vortex of chaos and pain.

I am still making progress paying down the unjust divorce debt.

I am working to heal emotionally, financially, and spiritually. From where I stand, unrepentant liars lie and unrepentant cheaters cheat unless they decide to do the hard work it takes to change. More often than we wish, they can seemingly get away with it. I would like to believe the world is just. So this is all still very painful for me.

Nonetheless, a lot of good has happened to me since exwh abandoned me and told me he would destroy me if I left him. I don’t think that the infidelity trauma is good or that it makes me stronger. It just traumatized me. But the sun is shining today.

Some people can reconcile. Exwh was not a candidate because he had no intention of being sexually or otherwise faithful to me. Nonetheless, lately I have been challenging myself to wake up every day ask myself an important question, "How can I do so well in my life as to make what exwh did to me irrelevant."

I wish fellow survivors on this site much peace and healing and many blessings.

Wow what a great goal, Shehawk! I like that question!!!

So glad your health is better, Shehawk. I'm glad you were also blessed with the espresso maker and other goodies. Your posts in NB are very helpful for wondering if life after D is worth it. Your life after D is priceless.

What a great positive update. Life after D comes with challenges but you have just tackled them one by one and are truly thriving. Your health improvements speak to that so clearly.

Congratulations and thank you for posting. It is important for the newly S/D to see how wonderful life can be post-A, D, or S.

Isn't it amazing how your health improves after the toxicity is gone. Since leaving xWS I have lost weight and am on the road to healing my health. I had high cholesterol and high blood pressure and now have got those under control. I no longer are on medications for mood stabilization or depression. In fact I have no more depression. I do believe the things we have gone through take a toll on the body and mind.

So glad you are healthy and healing and that life is on the up and up. Blessings to you! What a fabulous update!

"How can I do so well in my life as to make what exwh did to me irrelevant."

Everyday I wake up in my new amazing life he becomes more and more irrelevant. Just us thriving and loving our new life makes them irrelevant

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:51 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

Great update! Here's hoping for good things for you.

Thanks for the well wishes!

I do pop in from time to time just in case someone needs to read what peace, order and hoping to get to happiness feel like.

When things don’t go to plan people adjust.. Things changed with a planned vacation with a little mini cruise to the keys and Bahamas. F has new work responsibilities that preclude going this week. No one screamed, yelled, or acted entitled or particularly put out. Adjustments were made. No drama. Life happens. Sure I would love to see Hemingway’s cats again but seriously I am a grown-up and can deal with being disappointed in a mature way :)

There upset in one of our family member’s life related to brutal infidelity..cold calculated and money grabbing as in getting someone to pay for an expensive education while cheating and planning to exit taking significant assets and leaving significant debt. There is also serious health issues in extended family. We booked coaching to get some outside support on how best to deal with this given our own historys, triggers etc. and we are both showing up for the sessions and listening to the therapist’s perspective. Hmm imagine that.

We have a system in place for paying bills, budgeting, sharing mental and household labor and making sure we don’t have the chaos of things like running out of coffee creamer (put on list and or order when the last one is opened for most items.). No one complains about that being rigid or controlling or not spontaneous.

We both make substantial contributions to the well being of each other. No one bad mouths the other. No one avoids work or wastes time, money or emotional resources on random affairs partners. How refreshing.

Progress is being made towards paying off the divorce debt caused by the lies, misrepresentations and asset theft and hiding in my D. It’s not fair. I still carry emotional, physical and financial and spiritual scars. I have figured out the secret sauce of being able to get a healthy night’s sleep thank God literally. I have food to eat and a place to sleep out of the elements. And I am free of infidelity.

Coping strategies are relatively healthy. Mistakes are generally owned, and there is an absence of negative coping skills like gaslighting, lying or generally being an AH. No one is a drama llama or an attention-seeking (well fill in the word of your choice).

I have come to believe there is something substantially different with the way people who will cheat and those who will not handle their relationships and lives (in the current sense since people can and do change).

Sure, we fail to do things (like the tank only has 29 miles of gas left in it or we discover that the baking powder expired the year before last). Nonetheless, life goes on. It’s amazing what can be accomplished when there is not one person sucking up all the oxygen in the room…

I launched a new project that I hope will increase my cash flow. And I have been practicing subtly not giving a (again pick the explicative of your choice) about what people think of me or what I am doing. I am not doing anything controversial but the fact that I have worked steadily and provided for many people in many ways since I was in my early teens led to a few so called friends being jealous of the fact I was budgeting, living within my means and not struggling. I happened to find out some of the things that were said about me and not only do I not give a rat’s left rear toenail about what they think, I also will not be taking them out to eat or sacrificing to buy them grocery pickup when they talk like that about me. And I will no longer care if they genuinely like me or not since it appears they genuinely do not unless I am buying.

I welcome thoughts on this and wish everyone on this site much healing and happiness.

I appreciate your updates, Shehawk. They really help show how you can come out on the other side and shine.

Shehawk,
So wonderful to read about your life. It's especially great that your health has improved dramatically. Thank you for sharing!

Bump

Life Happens and it’s time to leave the little apartment for NB version 2.0.

I have something I said I would never get: A storage unit.

The move became necessary for reasons that no one could see coming. Intuition told me to suggest that someone (not me) get a second opinion. The routine consultation at a top-tier medical center was agreed to all too easily by that institution. And it was a blindside. Turns out they have a very serious issue that will require significant surgery with an uncertain outcome and long recovery expected.

Their situation will require a cross country move because the needed surgery will be at one of two good hospitals. Both institutions agree that surgery is needed. It’s looking like the ball was dropped by multiple other care providers.

Ironically I got good news during my follow ups for my rare breast tumor and the life threatening effects of the Lyme disease I had when DD whatever number it really was happened. In fact, I was the best news several doctors had given that week (probably longer given the type of place I was doing my follow-ups. I highly recommend surviving infidelity which in my case involved divorcing an unrepentant serial cheater who I donated too much of my energy to supporting for way too long.

The person who got the bad news was a blindside. So we are headed across the country and facing some serious stuff for them.

It’s sad leaving the little apartment. But necessary. Keys will be turned in and then figuring out what’s next after the first surgery for them next week. It does not look like this will be an easy road.

I was taking a bit of a break from downsizing and packing and was scrolling the internet a bit tho and saw my dream decor complete with a cat in the pictures! So perhaps that cozy little scenario will be in my near future….

Wishing everyone affected by I much healing, peace, love and happiness.

Prayers, mojo and the like are very welcome at this time.

The first surgery went well for them. It was diagnostic. The next consult is mid month where the surgeon will tell them what’s next. It is looking like they will be having open heart surgery for the best outcome.

The little apartment is now history. A 2 bedroom apartment is now consolidated into a 10 by 15 storage unit with lots of extra room in the unit. There were times I didn’t think we could make this work. Items like food, anything with batteries and all liquids could not be stored. A lot of choices had to be made in a one week time. And 2 cross country drives in 2 weeks.

So far it’s been hotels, their hospital room for one day, and seeing what’s next. The next 2 days we will be in a family place I have access to. Then travel back to their work location and likely a hotel or air b and b while waiting for their surgery consultation/their surgery date.

It’s interesting, but although I am tired and have mixed feelings about leaving the little apartment, it’s not the kind of soul weariness that I experienced with infidelity.

What a change, but for the right reason to support your friend. Just wait— the next chapter may surprise you in lots of great ways!

Your little place holds so many dear memories, and I can understand the sadness. It's great that you can be there to support your friend. You're one of the best supporters out there. Lots of work to get all of that done and consolidated.

I hope your friend's surgery goes well. There are so many new devices and procedures out there for heart-related conditions that are truly amazing.

Glad you got great health news.

On to NB 2.0! It's another adventure!

Life is not predictable, that’s for sure.
The little apartment is in the review mirror. What’s not being moved and what has not been sold is in a storage unit.

It’s been pretty nonstop medical appointments and lots of insurance forms for the person I am moving with to help with their military service related medical issues through to surgery and recovery. Surgery has not yet been scheduled so there is a weird sort of limbo.

We are planning to use that time for them to do things that they enjoy. One thing is going to some sporting events. That will be interesting to go to a college football game since I am not really a football fan 😂

They like camping. So we rented a vintage camped at a resort while transitioning (like an air b and b situation). It’s been a very peaceful although I am not sure I would be up for full time rv life. The good thing is I am the shortest one in my family so the camper door and bed heights are much less of an issue for me than for some people.

The situation we are facing was a real blindside. So I think I am still feeling a bit numb and shocked.

I pop in and still share in NB almost a decade since the DD that was the beginning of the end of my decades long marriage just in case it can help someone to read.

Being with someone who has a non zero chance of not making it through a medical procedure that they have to have really puts what I have been through with infidelity in perspective. Life can be short. Time is something I will never get back. Not gonna sugar coat this. I deeply regret every minute I spent with exwh and his nasty malicious deceitful unfaithful unrepentant ways.

As always I wish everyone much peace and healing. And for me the wisdom and strength I need to deal with what I am currently facing.

Wishing you wisdom and strength, Shehawk. I enjoy reading your updates, and I think your posts are so helpful as they highlight the ebb and flow of life.

You're one in a million to step into the caregiver roll for your friend. Not many people would do that. Kudos for doing bucket list things that you may not necessarily enjoy.

Your apartment was such an important part of your post-D life. I enjoyed reading about your excursions and will miss those. I'm interested in hearing about what you're doing now.

Remember to practice self-care. Your health is important and you being in a good place helps your friend.

On a lighter note, my family is on the taller side. I'm 5'8" and on the short side . My youngest DS is 6'5" and middle is 6 '3" . We lived in a place where they had to watch when they were wearing baseball caps. The little button on top would hit the door sill. When you mentioned the RV, I LOL 'd.

I appreciate all of the support. Thank you Leafields. This has been a real blindside.

Trigger warnings related to caring for someone who has a serious illness.

The first surgery went well for them. It was turned into a diagnostic procedure because no stents etc were needed to prepare for upcoming surgery which will be in a couple of months. That is good news.

It’s a whirlwind of hard conversations, insurance forms, medical appointments etc. We are in the process of enrolling for a therapeutic riding program for Veteran spouses and significant others. We got a month to month gym membership, and have gone a couple of times.

I think I am still in shock because this diagnosis was a blindside. But did manage to get sufficient winter clothing, basics like towels and shower curtains and blankets, kitchen stuff needed to cook healthy meals etc.

Decisions still need to be made as to temporary living room furniture and a desk. After all the moving stuff out of the little apartment, downsizing, putting things in storage etc, I have to say that furniture that comes in a box delivered and that comes apart to move is going to be at the top of the list

We decided that seeing a football game in person would be a bit more than could be managed financially and physical energy wise with a long drive. So I now have the second thing I said I would not ever have (the first was a storage unit). I now have several monthly subscriptions for different streaming services so they can watch games.

One thing that has become very clear to me is that time is much too precious to spend it in infidelity. While this experience makes me regret having stayed as long as I did with an unrepentant cheater, I do not for one minute regret leaving my ex marriage.

Thanks for the update, Shehawk. Shouldering the responsibility is draining, too. Be sure to take care of yourself.

I thought I wouldn't do multiple streaming services, either. I've had Prime for a long time. I went with YouTube TV and between the two, the football games I want to watch are covered. My youngest lives with me and I pay for a streaming service he likes, and Disney Plus. It's still less expensive than the cable bill pre-D. When I get ready to retire, I'll need to rethink things.

Try to stay same going through the medical stuff. There are patient navigators available, so be sure to ask for help. You don't have to bear all of the burden.

As for the furniture, my mind has gone in a different direction. I've been thinking of going through my stuff doing the Swedish death cleaning method. Basically, it's getting rid of stuff so your family doesn't have to do much after you pass away. Things I "had to have" when I moved into my own place, but haven't used in the 5 years since...yeah, probably not something I need to keep. But how many times have you gotten rid of something only to need it kater? LOL

I agree. I spent too much time covering for XWH and should have left so much sooner. Infidelity sucks.

Shehawk rocks!

Shehawk is MY Inspiration!!