Lostandtorn (original poster new member #86272) posted at 3:53 AM on Monday, June 23rd, 2025
When my husband had his affairs, I discovered them so I knew the identity of his AP’s before I even confronted him.
I am going to be confessing to my husband about my affair when he gets home this coming weekend. I am worried about telling him the identity of my AP. I am afraid he may confront my AP or even become violent. And make things worse for everyone. My AP is not someone who I see often. We don’t work together, we just work in the same field. So we only have a chance of seeing each other a couple of times a year. And I have no doubt we will avoid each other in the future. We don’t live in the same community. My husband has met him once but there is no reason that my husband will ever see him again.
Any suggestions on how to navigate this situation?
Formerpeopleperson ( member #85478) posted at 12:09 PM on Monday, June 23rd, 2025
If you think he might get violent with your AP, you should be concerned he will get violent with you. He has more reason to be mad at you.
Think through how you’re going to do this safely.
It’s never too late to live happily ever after
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 1:48 PM on Monday, June 23rd, 2025
No stop sign - BS here.
I'm going to break my answer down for you from my BS perspective.
Yes - he has a right to know. The unknown is torture. He has a right to know who helped destroy all life as he knows it. Keeping that identity secret is a twofold Hell. 1 - it looks like you are protecting the AP (in all things, not "just" from your WH) and 2 - the unknown will torture him - he will leave no rock unturned trying to find out that identity. I'm betting he will succeed but leave a trail of metaphorical destruction in his path.
Truth hurts - lies devastate - the unknown is torture.
Now...how he handles that is 100% on him. He may want to hunt down AP and beat him to a bloody pulp. That is a fair and valid feeling and want. I have had similar [and worse] dark fantasies about LTAP in my case. They were all consuming early on. Now, at years out, I hope she gets run over by the Karma Bus but it not an active thought so much anymore.
I will not excuse the ACT of violence. Towards you or AP.
If AP has a spouse, I sincerely hope your WH exposes. And you don't give a warning. Those chips will have to fall where they may.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 4:51 PM on Monday, June 30th, 2025
For someone named "Chaos", that response is excellent and maybe the opposite of chaotic!
Married 13 years @ D-Day in 2009. Still hanging in there (maybe by a thread sometimes)
JimBetrayed62 ( member #72275) posted at 9:15 PM on Monday, June 30th, 2025
Yea, your husband has a right to know. Secrecy fuels the affair. You think you’re shutting it down, but the reality is the ongoing secrecy will create the environment that could allow the affair to reignite. Besides - don’t you think your husband deserves to know the truth? And finally - if the OM had a wife or girlfriend, don’t they deserve the truth?
Me: BSHer: FWSDDay1 - Sept. 2004 DDay 2 - Dec. 2005 4-year LTA They were "soulmates"
AnnieOakley ( member #13332) posted at 4:41 AM on Tuesday, July 1st, 2025
Unequivocally yes.
Unless he states he doesn’t want to know, which would be highly unusual. And if that is the case, he has every right to change his mind.
Also, especially since he has met this person in the past.
Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."
