SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So yesterday, my wife went to lunch with an old work friend. (they worked with OM together.)

Her affair was 10 years ago. She told me during their lunch, she found out that OM died of cancer.

I just laughed. She looked at me and said that’s pretty rude, he’s leaving behind a daughter.

I double down and said do you know where his grave is, I’d like to piss on it.

Am I being the asshole?

I think you're reacting to the fact that your fWW is giving OM air time for you to hear, more so than the fact that he died. That would bother me, too.

Reading your older posts and threads...
I’m fine with your reaction to OM death. Personally I wouldn’t even bother showing him the disrespect of pissing on his grave.
But...
OM and the affair seems to have a lot of impact still to this day on your marriage, considering it’s 10 years since d-day...
Yes – infidelity does impact a marriage and it leaves a stain that will never be removed, but have the two of you done any work to reconcile beyond coexisting and she not having an affair with OM?

No I don’t think you’re an asshole for it. Her being upset about your reaction is more out of line IMO.

No, I don't think you're being an asshole. In fact, I hope you can find the grave and enjoy a nice, long stinky pee.

Piss away! :

You're not an asshole for reacting to her clear lack of empathy for you. She should be ambivalent about his death, and telling you you're rude for reacting that way sounds a bit oblivious. She should expect that you would have no sympathy for him.
However, you should have no feelings about the guy one way or another. Whether he's married to a billionaire supermodel or under a bridge shouldn't matter to you if you've done the work (with her support).
Pissing on his grave just means there's a good chance your shoes get wet. It won't matter to him.
May be time to schedule some more IC and perhaps MC.

I would react the same way. I’ve often thought about horrible things happening to the OW. I’d be happy she felt some of the pain she helped cause, while also feeling bad for her children. You can have both emotions at once. I also am perfectly okay with her husband feeling the same about my husband if something were to happen to him.

This is tough stuff. I am working really hard at not giving any more of my very precious mental and emotional energy to exwh or his affair partners or their supporters. That said, it is challenging for me.

"Pissing on his grave just means there's a good chance your shoes get wet. It won't matter to him." Sadly this and many similar things people have said to me seem to be solid advice at least
for me.

I can put myself in your shoes and if R, I can imagine not wanting my spouse to talk of the APs or the affair cheerleaders AT ALL

Wishing you much peace and healing

Nope not too far at all.
Surprised your WS would even bring it up.

No, your reaction is very normal. When I think of people from the past at this point, people who have hurt me, like the one who abandoned me 40 years ago, if I heard he died of cancer....I don't know if I'd have any reaction frankly. Now people just seem like stories to me. Oh, this happened then, and that happened, and there's no emotional impact anymore. I'm not saying that's healthy, or normal, or to be desired, it just is. I think they "died" in a sense when we disconnected all those years ago, and they might as well be living on the dark side of the moon. But I think your reaction is perfectly normal and even healthy. Yeah, go piss on his grave if you can find it, LOL!!!! What I would be more interested in is your wife's reaction that you said this. Is she still feeling something for this guy or protective of him? It may not matter after all this time but I would ask if it was me. "So, what's your thoughts or feelings about this guy passing on?" She may just be one of these people who thinks that you have to have the "proper" response in front of someone else, but I believe in honesty so.....PEE ON!!!

It sounds like you may still be having some trouble with reconciling with this. I think we don't just reconcile with people, like our living partners, I think we also reconcile with events from the past, with thoughts and feelings, and maybe that's something to consider for you. Recon is not just about people but about events and feelings as well. But only if it's bothering you or preventing you from having the kind of life or being the kind of person, you want to be.

I would have filed for divorce based on her "reaction". It was not rude and her thinking it was, proved she still had feelings him.

I am a hard ass, but she would be gone for that reaction...

Did you have kids when he cheated with your WW? How rude!

My response would have been "Why are bringing up his name? Why would you remind me of the most painful time in my life?"

If you are going to hate the AP shouldn't you hate your WS as well? In fact, shouldn't you hate your WS more? The AP didn't say "I love you" to you, but your WS did, while having an affair. Who is truly worse?

If my wife's AP died I would feel very sympathetic for his wife and their young kids, and would feel nothing about his death. If my wife was upset about his death then I would probably start talking with a divorce attorney.

Mechanic,

One question is, why was Your WW still in contact with OMs social circle.

I mean it sucks that cheating creates such a wide circle of destruction, but loss of friends is often a consequence.

Did the friend who told your WW aware of the affair or even a cheerleader for it.

I think your responses are quite appropriate.