SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, it is now 15 years since DD#2, and I find myself checking-out the forums as I seem to do this time of year every year. The changing colors and longer days never fail to trigger, and then I feel compelled to read through some of the recent SI posts looking for I-don't-know-what. Typically, 20-30 minutes of reading suffices, and I move on (still triggered, but not ruminating excessively). This year, however, my WW is traveling for work (as she was when her affair began), and my anxiety levels are through the roof.

I've always felt a bit remedial where recovery is concerned, but I was content, recognizing that each year was easier than the year before. This week, however, I'm beginning to wonder whether "remedial" is too generous. It seems like everyone posting with 10+ years of recovery behind them is in a much better place. Is it that unusual to be this far out without feeling fully healed? I used to be happy-go-lucky and RIDICULOUSLY trusting. Now, my personality is closer to dour, and I silently question everything I hear. Am I just an extreme outlier?

Yeah... 15 years out and "anxiety through the roof" isn't something I have seen on SI. Something is certainly amiss.

Spidey senses tingling? Maybe she's at it again? Unresolved issues?

ETA: What do you think is causing this anxiety?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:36 AM, Wednesday, October 15th]

Am I just an extreme outlier?

I wouldn’t go with extreme anything — you are being honest with yourself and your feelings, to me, that’s always a place to start.

We all heal at our own pace, and I don’t know what you’ve done so far to heal.

Questioning everything is also good, as all of us have learned, blind trust was never a good idea.

I still get triggers at ten-years out, but they don’t last and it doesn’t take long to focus on the things that are going well.

While we all heal at our own pace, somewhere along the way, we get some choices about how we feel. The best advice I got here was we tend to hit what we’re aiming for.

Did you ever do any counseling or have any friends and family you have leaned on during your recovery?

Spidey senses tingling? Maybe she's at it again?

I really don't think so, but my judgment in that regard has been spectacularly bad. Still, there are none of the same red flags as before.

Unresolved issues?

Doubtless. I still seethe when I think about the entire, wasted year full of lies following DD#1. During MC and outside of MC I don't think she told me one single truth when I questioned her about the affair. She just lied over and over -- even when I confronted her with inconsistencies. She didn't break down until I finally compared detailed notes with the other BS then started to pack my bags. Then, she conveniently had forgotten many of the details after such a very long time! ... I'm really not this bitter, normally; it is just one of those days (blessedly rare over the past few years).

ETA: What do you think is causing this anxiety?

I think it's a combination of things: The anniversary; the weather; the fall colors; an errand that took me past a place where they met up; poor sleep; a week without exercise; then nearly 24 hours without a text or call from my wife (whom I'm sure is oblivious about the date).

We all heal at our own pace, and I don’t know what you’ve done so far to heal.

I did EMDR for about a year and continued IC for a little while after that. We did MC for about two years, but looking back, I have to wonder about the counselor's competency. She swallowed all of the lies as if she had never seen a wayward spouse be dishonest about anything in a MC session. She even encouraged me to let her take a trip out of town to spend time with her family (when she actually met up with her lover for another wild week)! I think the counselor must have been an even bigger dumb ass than I was (and that is really saying something).

I still get triggers at ten-years out, but they don’t last and it doesn’t take long to focus on the things that are going well.

That is typically how I react, but there is rarely a day where it doesn't at least briefly cross my mind.

The best advice I got here was we tend to hit what we’re aiming for.

I'd like to think that I'm aiming higher than I'm currently hitting. I haven't sought out any of the things that have triggered me over the past couple of years: Photos while trying to clean up the photo library; an email from the AP (to me!) while archiving emails from an account I was closing; an encounter with the AP, etc.

I expected to be further along than this, and I'm beginning to worry that I've stalled-out. I suppose it's time to bite the bullet and find a new therapist.

Asdf,

It was the 32-year anniversary that led to me seeking out a place to find comfort. I don’t think anyone can put a timestamp on how one should or shouldn’t act when an anniversary occurs. Our minds, for some reason I sure don’t understand, are wired to remember anniversaries. It doesn’t matter whether it is a birthday, holiday, wedding, divorce, war, or infidelity, anniversaries are a time of reflection. So no, I don’t think you are

an extreme outlier

for feeling what you are feeling. As I see it, the larger question is how are you "now" going to react to your level of anxiety. It may be "through the roof" but does it have to control your reaction to it? It is of my opinion that a betrayed spouse does not have control over an infidelity-anniversary’s pain but they do have power over how they manage their pain. And maybe that is why you tend to return to this site during this time. It might be that returning here is a way you have found, like I did, to manage the pain in a way that is healthy and not destructive to your relationship with your spouse. Or at least, that is why I’m here listening and sharing.

Asterisk

I still seethe when I think about the entire, wasted year full of lies following DD#1.

So you’re at most nine years out, after a year of the betrayal being compounded through injurious gaslighting. Was remorse shown for that?

There is healing in your awareness of a cluster of triggers affecting the nervous system. It’s just trying to look after you so treat yourself and it with compassion. Your FWW’s obliviousness/ being out of touch (literally and metaphorically) is not helpful to the situation, perhaps that is what irks most of all? I feel irked on your behalf.

I’m incidentally more than fifteen years out and last week had to be in DNC (dirty northern affair city) for the first time since DD1. It was good to reclaim the territory but my nervous system was a bit aroused. I’m grateful to it for trying to keep me safe and worked through it with a lot of somatic breathing/ stretching in the hotel room to teach it that it was ok. Sometimes you have to work from the bottom up (body/ parasympathetic nervous system) rather than the top down (trying to think your way out of it). Our bodies are doing brilliant job of keeping us safe and we can work at reclaiming those PTSD trigger moments - how can you turn fall memories into something more positive for you, using neuroplasticity, for example?

[This message edited by Edie at 9:25 AM, Wednesday, October 15th]

You asked almost this exact question 10 years ago.

I think a better question to ask is not "Should I be feeling this way after 15 years?" but "Do I want to continue feeling this way? Is this the person I want to be for the rest of my life?"

Returning to this thread to recommend reading Lisa Feldman Barrett on the neuroscience of anxiety - and how we can work with the high voltage data predictive machine that is the brain and train it to create new predictions (how to create new meaning arising from past experience meeting the present) that reduces anxious prediction/ worry. It feels like your wife’s current absence and silence may be leading the predictive processing to feed your anxiety. Can you together as a team re conceptualise the triggers and make new meaning with them. Or is it that her current silence demonstrative of a lack of care or empathy causes you genuine concern more generally irrespective of triggers?

11 years out. Been getting triggered a great deal lately but that’s more to do with circumstance than anything my wife is doing. It’s just something you need to learn to live with. It never really goes away. It’s the skeleton in the closet. We bandaid it with some new get fixed fast scheme but the reality is it’s just there. Like a limp that won’t go away. It’s just there.

Have you put some thought into maybe you’re not built to forgive cheating?
Not to say that trying isn’t noble, but some of us are not capable of keeping a unfaithful partner around.

Asdf, what would you like to have happen?