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I am almost 8 months from Dday and things are "good" I use that term loosely but good all things considered. I have got to the point where I now feel that talking about the actual details of the affair is doing me no good and just sends me down a rabbit hole searching for answers that will never soothe the pain. I have also realised that I am a fixer not a feeler, when these emotions feel like they will wash me away instead of sitting with them and feeling them I try to fix them by searching for answers in the affair. I can now see how this served a purpose for a time but now I feel I have to consciously move forward for myself. I know we still need to talk about how I am feeling and the emotions etc but I feel I must now stop focusing on what can't be changed. My main issue is that my husband will only bring it up if I look upset or it is clear I am struggling, he will ask "do you need to talk, we can go for a drive" or "what can I do, what do you need from me". And all this is great but I want him to talk about it just in general, even when things are good and I "look" ok, I would love for him to initiate a conversation like, you seem good today, are you actually feeling good or are you just hiding it well...or something, can you guys tell me if I am being unrealistic?? The fact that he brings it up when I am struggling and is willing to talk for hours if needs be, am I being picky that I want him to initiate?

Drowning, here are a few thoughts that might be helpful.

1. The fact that he's asking you if you want to talk when you're clearly upset is a good thing, I think. That's more than my XH and other waywards here were able to do. Lean into that when you need his support.

2. You're not being picky to want more. You want his support in a way that he's not currently giving to you, and there's nothing unreasonable about that. Have you shared this need with him directly? If not, you might consider talking to him about it: I appreciate it when you ask me how I'm doing when I'm upset, and it would help me if you could do that even when I seem ok.

3. Are you in IC? You recognize that you don't need to talk about the actual details of the affair but still need to talk about your feelings, and your desire to have H ask you how you're doing sounds related. Could there be some other need or deeper need beneath this, and if you understood that more, could that help you on the path to healing? If you're in IC, this sounds like a great topic to explore.

Wishing you well and glad you've found this site!

It's a very common complaint that a WS won't initiate a conversation about their affair(s). It's so common, in fact, that I lean towards the expectation being unrealistic.

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. Would you really risk initiating a conversation about it knowing it might trigger your BS, ruining a peaceful moment, a good day, mood, whatever?

Hi Drowning,

My H was the exact same, I asked him why he never offers conversation about his A, he told me that when he sees me having a good day, the last thing he wants is to watch my smile turn to sadness, he said he would rather drink bleach than do that.
If your H is not avoidant in your talking or questioning usually, then I would not suspect avoidance.

Thanks guys, I think if I am honest I see this as a test (only on reflection, not intentionally) like I am testing to see if he cares enough to initiate, but I can also recognise all the other areas that he is fully present, transparent, leaning in etc I don't know why this one area is a big thing for me, maybe it's my only area of push back on him, and a way of knowing we are in it together, if we only talk when I am struggling it feels one sided, like it's my doing we are talking about it, and I know when I have said that in the past to him his response was "we are talking about this because I DONE IT, I betrayed you". So I know he gets it, eugh...I don't know I am rambling now, this crap is difficult

I would like my H to do the same, but honestly, I think it's fear & shame that stops him. I do notice now that he's tuned in to me like never before and that is something new. I like it. He'll grab my hand or hug or maybe just give me a look. He's learning how to navigate this just as much as I am. I'm hoping over time that changes.

I liked to ask questions because that way we talked about what was at the top of my mind. W & I experience life differently. If she initiated, I sometimes had a hard time following her.

@sisoon

My husband says I have the ability to tie him in knots when we talk because I question and analyse everything, to the point I nearly forget what tbe original topic was! Maybe I need to learn to listen at times and he might be more willing to talk

Me and my husband have had several discussions about this as well. He doesn’t want to trigger me and ruin a good day but he also wants me to know he cares. He decided the best way to handle it is if he knows 100% it is going to be a trigger conversation then he starts with "I know this is going to be hard because of what I did" or if we are watching a show and something comes up that is difficult then he reaches for me and acknowledges it. I try to do the same instead of just shutting down and making him drag out of me what is wrong. Sometimes I even make a joke about something that happens and try to skip over the trigger so we can keep the good day going because I am just tired of being triggered.

He knows the worst thing to do is to let me sit and bake with it so someone better just acknowledge it, say it out loud, then either we move on or I might need a minute for a meltdown. It is nice to have him acknowledge them when he knows and think it is a reasonable request of your husband. It has made a lot of mine easier to deal with.

Drowning --

The fact that he brings it up when I am struggling and is willing to talk for hours if needs be, am I being picky that I want him to initiate?

Yes, maybe a bit picky -- but I was too, and you know what? We earned the right to be as picky as we need to be.

After several years, I finally accepted the idea that my wife was never going to initiate a conversation about the worst pain and suffering that she caused.

I would just say be kind to yourself, even on the days you are picky and over the top. It is part of the early healing process. Eventually, your spouse will show enough, often enough, that you will start to believe his efforts (or you may need to demand even more effort down the road).

Drowning45,
I'm 6 months out from DDay and we're doing MC. Our counselor suggested we set aside an hour each week to simply be vulnerable in front of each other (after that hour we stop the conversation). I told my WH that he needed to take that part of the mental load and choose the day and time, and to remind me (although I don't forget). This affords me time to get in the right head space to not only be vulnerable myself, but to see him being the same.
My WH has serious communication struggles, he's a fixer instead of a talker. He's very slowly showing emotions again, as he would rather be stoic and appear to not have anything bother him.
When we have our chats, we drive to an empty parking lot and talk there. It allows us to talk outside of prying ears. Either of us can start, but I allow him to talk first if he would like, and he's gotten better at initiating these chats instead of me encouraging him to start.
Has he voluntarily offered up any additional information yet? No. Do I feel like these opportunities to be vulnerable without me getting too upset are showing him he can keep opening up to me? Yes. Do I think he'll eventually initiate a conversation about his actions? Yes. Will it be anytime soon? Absolutely not.
I've told my WH that I would like him to be more open with me, not just during our hour-long chats. He's working on it with his IC.

I'm not suggesting you take this route, but hopefully it'll give you some ideas on how to broach this with your H.