We recently did a session with our therapist that included a "full disclosure". It was a comprehensive overview of all my sexual behavior and substance and alcohol abuse from childhood onward. No new information about the affair as we had already gone through all the significant details in the course of the initial disclosure, but some additional information on sexual activity before we met.
As context, my wife and I never discussed our past sexual history before marrying and did not discuss it after until I disclosed the affair. That said, we both come from conservative religious backgrounds and I knew she had no sexual history. I had significant sexual history and I have realized that resulted in me carrying secrets and shame into our relationship.
A couple nights ago we had a long discussion about the full disclosure. My wife was pretty emotional (understandable) and we discussed many of the issues related to the affair that have been weighing on her since the initial disclosure. Although hard to hear, I am definitely better now at processing and giving space for her emotions (vs shame spiraling) than I was initially.
That said, she made a comment about my sexual history as a teenager that really crushed me. The full disclosure included details like estimated times I had sex with each partner. I had a girlfriend for 18 months and we were sexual active for much of that time so the number was high. My wife's comment about it was not as a big an issue as the look of disgust she had when she made it.
I have been working through the sexual trauma from my youth in therapy and had got to place where I could give myself some grace, but this really set me back. My relationship with this girlfriend was super toxic and she really weaponized sex and manipulated me. This was at a time when my mom had just remarried and we moved into their house with a combined 8 teenagers (my three siblings and I and his four children). The dynamic was terrible and my mom really tapped out on parenting at this time. Saying that is hard because she is incredible and stepped up like a super hero when my dad left us for one of his many APs. The trauma from that combined with the feeling of abandonment after my mom remarried and we moved led me to stay away as much as possible. I spent almost all non school and work time at my girlfriend's house. Her parents loved me and in retrospect that was a big factor in me staying in the toxic relationship as long as I did.
I give that background for context to our sexual history. I had previous trauma that resulted in feelings of shame before this girlfriend and my girlfriend used that as part of the weaponization. What really stung when my wife made her comment is that I have always felt lesser than in our marriage. Obviously the affair was a big factor after it occurred, but even before that I felt inadequate as a spouse and parent. She seemed so natural as a mom and I struggled as I had no reference point for what a good dad is. I have a good relationship with both my adult kids and they would probably be shocked to hear me say that as I overcompensate by being super involved and ensuring they had all the material things I never did, but in my head I was a bundle of doubts and feelings of inadequacy.
The look on my wife's face when she talked about my sexual history with this girlfriend triggered the feelings of shame I brought into the marriage and reinforced how much I feel lesser than. I feel like I was damaged goods when we married.
Might be that my insomnia is kicking the shit out of mental health right now, but wondering if i will ever feel like I am good enough for her. The affair has created a significant imbalance, but I feel like the damage I had coming in already had me so far behind that nothing I will ever do can bridge the gap.
