Two year anniversary post here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=664729&HL=83993
Perhaps a mod can find the first year one for me for comparison? I can't find it.
So. It's really been three years. I can't believe it, for so many reasons. I can't believe I've lived 3 whole years in this much pain in the aftermath of the day my whole life just got wrecked. I can't believe I've survived, I almost didn't, I was pretty suicidal for a long, long time, but also, can't believe I still feel this shitty after so much time. I know, in this world of infidelity recovery, 3 years is still not a long time. But for me, I was truly hoping to be in a better place at the three year mark than I am.
Last year's post was a bit more hopeful, perhaps? I felt I had made such big strides from the previous year, this year, less so in some ways. Last year's post I put in Reconciliation, this year I'm opting for General as I am no longer sure that R is the path I am on.
Last year at this time of the year I was still feeling fairly hopeful that we would make it. This past year I have instead been on the very verge of D most of the year. I've taken small steps towards that direction, started making myself more independent in small but significant ways that have had an impact at least emotionally. I have started looking at alternativ housing, appraised our house and discussed my thoughts with several close family members and friends. I still have not pulled the plug, not sure why. So on DD3 I am still here, in our home, sharing a bedroom, but not really sharing anything emotionally if that makes sense?
On the positive side, I have made positive strides when it comes to my personal emotional health. I have been able to successfully come off my antidepressants that I have been on for more than 10 years for anxiety and that I had to up the dose on significantly after DD. I have started 'weaning off' my IC that I have been doing weekly for 3 years to bi-weekly and soon I will be going only monthly. I feel more secure, stable emotionally, and trusting in myself. In many ways I am much more self-reliant and independent than before.
I do believe I have reached the point of being basically ok whether we D or R this year. I still would prefer not to D as I never wanted to end the M or blow up our family, but I feel ok with the prospect of D as well now. And some days, I'm not even sure I really want R anymore.
Also, interestingly enough, although I have reached a point of basically giving up on us and a general 'to hell with him and it all attitude' I find myself sometimes thinking, I might actually have forgiven him. 
Not something I ever thought would happen, not something I chose or even actively sought. I just at one point a while back found myself thinking I might be done punishing him now. That doesn't mean I think I might be able to stay with him necessarily, I still think he's a bad candidate for R and a douchebag, (Not just for the A but very much for how he has treated me after the A as well as 20 years prior), he hasn't managed to make the changes I needed to see. But somehow, at some point, I apparently, to my own utter surprise, felt, done? Done with the punishing and looking for recompense and just plain tired of myself. Tired of this angry, bitter, mess of a person I've turned into. And yes, I have certainly punished him. It wasn't ever my goal, it was just something I believe happened due to him not being able to become safe or a good candidate for R. He has done a lot of things yes, but not enough, and in my inability to leave despite that, I instead have punished him I suppose. And I just am tired of that now. I don't feel the want or the need for that anymore. It will never be fair, not even if he had grovelled and crawled (which he didn't not even close) would it have ever been made fair, so perhaps I needed him to hurt, as I hurt so badly. I don't know that I need that anymore. I'm hoping I've reached a milestone of sorts with that feeling that's crept up on me the past few months.
I would never have thought I would still be so deeply impacted on a day to day basis by his A three years on. I feel a deep sense of grief for what I've lost in myself in this time, and I do believe I am changed, for the worse, forever in some ways. On the other hand, this saying now holds true for me: 'If you went back, you would not fit there anymore'.
