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I feel for the past 2 years I’ve been silently punishing my husband. I haven’t been the best person I can be. I don’t know if it’s because I started to view him differently or if it’s because I maybe believed he deserved the cold shoulder. But I definitely haven’t been giving him 100% of me. I think I’ve been too afraid to give him my heart again.
The other day I saw a job I wanted to apply to on LinkedIn. I grabbed our family computer to sort out my CV. Opened up LinkedIn and it took me to his LinkedIn account which had 1 contact. I found it odd he would have only 1 contact to clicked to see who it was and…it’s her :-( I hate even seeing her name.
I clicked on messages but it was empty. I guess he could have deleted them.
I approached him and he said he forgot about that account and can’t remember adding her…
I felt I wanted to talk to someone and called a therapist I have worked with for other issues, but she is my husbands long term therapist. Since this session I have realised I need my own therapist because the session wasn’t at all helpful. She told me that he had made so much progress and that I need to stop punishing him for everything before, that I’m only upset about this because of what happened prior. That she spoke to him only a few weeks ago and he hasn’t been in touch with anyone else nor does he want to. That he had to put up with abusive messages from me that he felt he deserved after the last betrayal and that I didn’t buy him a Christmas present that Christmas but he didn’t mind.
I left fuming. I felt she wasn’t there for me. She minimised my feelings. I left feeling like the problem and have since searched for a new therapist. She is clearly biased towards my husband. Mentioning the abusive messages it’s like she believes I should have grace for what my husband did but my reaction was the thing that crossed the line.
BUT it has made me reflect! I did send abusive messages. I guess up until that therapy session I believed he deserved it. I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. But that was wrong. It also has made me reflect that in our day to day life I am short, passive aggressive and moody with him a lot of the time. He never moans and ‘puts up with it’. That’s not how I want to be.
I guess I’ve been reflecting and thinking I can’t live like this anymore. I want to go back to giving 100% but I need to also know I can trust him and that he will come to me and tell me everything off his own back. That or I need to leave…though we have 2 beautiful small children. Though I know we shouldn’t stay together just for the kids. I still love him. I just need to feel safe again.

I can’t argue with your desire to not be as moody and sharp with him, but I do wonder if that’s actually a protective mechanism because you don’t fully trust him yet. And if he’s not in NC with his affair partner then that’s why your nervous system is still telling you not to trust. (did I understand that he was in touch with her as recently as two weeks ago?)

Also, his reaction was not very good. It should have been oh my goodness I must’ve forgotten to block her there. Let me do it immediately. You can block people on LinkedIn because I blocked my partners affair partner because she was a cyber stalking me there.

Definitely get your own therapist and make sure you are watching to see if he’s really doing the work and meeting your needs. This does take years but two years out I would think he’d be more empathetic and proactive.

And yes, you can change how you interact with him. It’s not good for your kids to see you behaving that way toward your partner but just be sure you’re watching to see is if you’re that way because you are not feeling safe and secure.

My heart breaks for you and your situation.

Fire your WS therapist and go find a therapist that truly understands A trauma.

I understand and relate completely.

Sending hugs and strength.

BUT it has made me reflect! I did send abusive messages. I guess up until that therapy session I believed he deserved it. I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me.

Yeah, a lot of people say they don’t want to forgive the WS (an activity) but what they actually end up doing is actively not-forgiving the WS. They keep the hurt alive, daily. Absolutely understandable why a BS would do that, but is it productive? You are asking the right question.

So what lies between the activity of forgiving, and the activity of not-forgiving?

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 4:06 PM, Tuesday, January 6th]

I think it's a bad idea to share a therapist. I would suggest finding your own who deals with this type of trauma. A good therapist will never tell you how you should feel or what you should do. Their job is to guide you towards a better place but you have to get there on your own, not because they told you to do this or say that

Feeling safe is a mindset.

The cheater can only do so much to make you feel safe. The rest is up to you unfortunately.

Let’s say in this case the CH has done everything possible to make amends and to make the betrayed spouse feel safe.

I can relate that this was my situation at year 3 of R. But I still was on edge and just bit as happy as I could be.

That’s when I realized I had to figure out what would make me safe. What do I need to do as the BS to feel safe. Once I started focusing on me, I recognized I needed to take part in my own life to be happy. I am responsible for my happiness. Period.

While having a post nup helped, I recognized I needed more than that. I did things to financially protect myself. And stopped trying to protect myself from pain. Because that was stopping me from being all in on the marriage.

Could my H cheat again? Yes. Would I be hurt? Yes. But I would not be devastated. And that makes a difference because I would know what to expect and what steps I would then take.

If you ❤️ your H and he’s changed, then you have to take that leap of faith. And BTW we already took that leap of faith at the point we said "I do" years ago. We just didn’t know it.

If you live in fear, you are not living your best life. You are existing and trying to manage everything to protect yourself, which is exhausting.

There is a Dale Carnegie mental truck that has you ask yourself in worrisome situations "what is the worst that can happen?" Let’s say your H cheats again or does something equally bad like gambling and hiding it.

You won’t give up because you have young children. You will figure out next steps. You will decide to D him (maybe) or get him professional help. The point is you WILL DO SOMETHING. And while it will be hurtful and difficult, you will survive it.

The therapist bringing up his "good points" is not what you wanted or needed to hear, but it does help to know he’s not the sane cheating jerk he was.

Get your own support team. Get a plan B if that helps. But please don’t live a life of tolerance and indifference because in my book, you certainly deserve better.

His therapist has a fiduciary duty to him. Ethically, they have to do what is best for their client.

Some therapists are skilled enough to take on both partners, but many of them won't even though they have the skills, because they know they might have to choose one partner or the other, and they don't want to be in that position.

That's why you need your own therapist.