SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some of you may remember me, it’s been a long time since I’ve been on here but I felt it was needed.

My husband had an affair back in October 2023, come October 2024 our 3 year old son had a terrible accident and had to have half of his leg amputated and half of his foot amputated.

Between 2023-2024 I was a wreck , I drank too much to numb the pain and did so even more after my sons accident. As far as my husband he was great , supportive, completely did a 360 and has been the best he’s ever been. Porn played a huge factor and now he’s an advocater against it But here I am back struggling. I hate myself for it. I finally decided to stop drinking cold turkey about 68 days ago because I know my kids need me and alcohol will eventually kill me or lead to awful health issues. This past October I almost lost my dad who has been an alcoholic since his 20s. (I’m starting to hate October).

Ever since my sons accident literally it feels like everything is going wrong and I secretly blame my h for the bad karma. I found out she was into witch craft (I know im reaching) We were doing ok when I was drinking and actually the first few months sober and all of the sudden today I hate him. I came across a photo of the AP and that’s my fault for creeping when I shouldn’t be. She seems to be happy, all three of her kids seem happy while daughter had to go to therapy after my husbands infidelity because it broke me. It was my fault for how I handled the affair and I’m working on forgiving myself and him but I’m not there yet.

It’s been a little over two years and I feel like I am at ground zero. Just from one photo, all the memories flooded me. I know alcohol didn’t help matters.

We have so much trauma and so much to work through, my kids need me and I feel like I can’t even break down.

I should add on I feel alone in this. My friends think I’m "past it" we don’t bring it up anymore and they all praise him for changing his life around. I feel like bringing it up won’t do how I feel justice? If that makes sense? I am very happy with how he’s changed and how far he’s came but I still look at him sometimes and get downright disgusted and I can’t believe what he did.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 10:53 PM, Sunday, January 4th]

I’m sorry for your pain and the past events that have brought you to this point.

I’m glad you have decided to become sober. While it’s hard and difficult and painful, you will be able to face your challenges with a clear mind.

Now for the hard part. Being a parent is a lifelong commitment with the good and bad. I’m sorry your son had a terrible accident. It must be so hard to watch. But you are there for him. You need to be his biggest cheerleader. His rock and advocate etc.

Life isn’t fair and we ALL struggle. Some worse than others. But your mindset doesn’t just affect you, it affects your entire family. It’s hard to show up every day when you don’t feel like it, but that is what we do as parents. I remember during my H’s affair period the world was out of control for me - teenage kid issues, H lying & cheating & demanding a D, financially I’m in a bad situation, highly toxic work environment but I needed to keep my job so I had to deal with it, etc.

I cried all day every day but never in front of my kids. They had no idea what was going on. It was summer vacation and kids were home 24/7. So I put in an Academy Award performance to ensure all was good in their eyes.

For you, you need to separate the affair from things that have nothing to do with the affair. Your friends can only provide you with support up to a point. Unless they have been in your shoes they don’t understand. And quite honestly most people (as friends) want to avoid painful situations and will assume "it’s all good" even when it’s not.

Maybe professional counseling can help you. You have so much on your plate and if you are overwhelmed and need help, please reach out and get some.

Also the OW may seemingly appear to be happy and all that, but I call it FakeBook because so often, it’s true. You think people post when they look like a wreck b/c of a sick kid who kept them up all night? Do you think people are going to post their spouse is a liar and cheater? No — they post the good stuff so they can make people believe their life is soooo wonderful and perfect when it’s actually a shitshow and horrible.

Stop believing everyone has it better than you. Cause they don’t!

Hurting One,

I don't think you properly went through the grieving process. It actually is quite technical, and you won't do well to find a betrayal trauma specialist. They can lead you through the methods that will allow you to get to the "root injuries". And then you will bring them to your husband who will hold space and grieve with you, and make amends.

And please note, grieving is not a one and done event. It has to be done over and over and over, but that is part of the process.

Look up Jake Porter - Grieving Together.

First, I'm sorry your son had that accident. How is he doing?

*****

I have to suggest that your sobriety is connected with your newfound clarity. Nothing you describe is abnormal for a new-ish BS. IMO, you can't heal and get around the process. No matter what, you heal by going through the process, step by step. The process isn't linear, though.

It's entirely possible that your H has changed. But your healing is about you, not about him. If he's changed, you have a chance at growing old together happy with each other. But you have to do your own healing, which IMO is a matter of processing your anger, grief, fear, shame, whatever over your H's cheating out of your body. A good IC can definitely help. The A really can become just an annoyance in your memories.

IMO, you'll also have to process your feelings about your son's accident out of your body, too. Trauma seems to have a habit of mixing all together.

Healing pretty much requires going through phases of unexpected pain. The thing is: you can process the pain out of your body if you learn how to do it. A good IC can teach you how, and it's a very useful skill.

The pain you feel is not new; it's already in you. You've numbed it with alcohol. Now you've stopped drinking, and that can allow you you to get rid of the pain.

*****

It's not that you'll forget the pain. Rather, you can release it - and releasing it allows you to reclaim energy that you can use for any emotional purpose you choose.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:11 PM, Monday, January 5th]

Hi Groot. 🌳

I agree that you have not grieved all the things - you powered through with the help of alcohol to numb the worst of the pain.
I also had a multi-trauma period although different than yours and I also used alcohol too much for over a year. Getting sober is a great first step. Go to AA or something like that for support as you continue this good and healthy (but hard!) journey.

Now you will have to feel ALL THE FEELS. The grief from the A, the grief from what happened to your son. Your future as you had envisioned it was totally obliterated - it’s no wonder you struggled. But there is a different future out there for you - one of infinite possible futures and you get to direct that. It will be different than what you had dreamed of before, but it can be as wonderful. And you need to be present and sober for that to happen.

Do you have a really good IC? You need one - a person who can help you navigate the pain, fear, aloneness, resentments, etc. A trauma informed one for sure. Yes, friends are there for us up to a point, but they do eventually time out on how much they can support us. So use a therapist to help you here.

As for blaming him for the bad karma — I think we all look for reasons why shitty stuff happens and the randomness of it all is very difficult to wrap our heads around. I think it is fine to think of her as the wicked witch, but really just let her go. You have enough going on and she doesn’t deserve any of your brain space. And FB is full of shit. Don’t believe any of that, and block her for your own mental health. You don’t need that baloney in your life.

For some reason reading your post, I get the feeling you feel stuck - that you have to stay married. You don’t. You may decide you want to D. And that is okay. You don’t have to stay married. Allow yourself to have that as a thought experiment. Or you can redefine what R will be for you and Mr. Groot. Be sure he knows how much you are struggling. It could be a real turning point for you both.

Keep posting- just the SI outlet may help. We’re all rooting (grooting? ;-) ) for you!

Hey friend.

I guess add me to the chorus here. You were forced to put your grief over the A on pause with your son’s accident. I’m sure self medicating doesn’t help in the long run. You’ve probably got a huge reservoir of pain to process. Sadly, there is no good time in life to break down, but no better time than the present.

My heart is heavy for you today.

Sisoon.

Thank you for always being there, I know i can count on you to not sugar coat anything for me. I do agree with you and others that I am definitely grieving over again, I did grieve the first time around (some) then it became to much to deal with and I began drinking to help numb out those feelings. I was in IC for a while and I didn't find it helpful, I am sure I could find a different IC but between things with the kids and finances I have joined a few support groups to see if that will help me work through it as well as journaling, if things don't get better for me soon I will definitely start searching for one. I got away from doing things for myself because I felt better, I thought I was better and I don't think that I am, at least not right now. As far as my H goes he has been amazing and I already was honest with him about everything last night, he knows I quit drinking , he knows Iam upset and he knows that the fact I stopped drinking has brought this all back up again and he supports me if I wanted to do any kind of counseling. I know that my healing is my healing and its so hard to work on my healing when I am so busy with kids, work, and every day life but I am working on it.

As for our son, he is much better, re learning to walk and he is incredibly loved by so many people, our life is very hard and I am sure his will be difficult as well for a long while but with this therapies, I am hopeful that he will come out stronger than ever.

<3 Thank you for asking!

Woodthrush:

And please note, grieving is not a one and done event. It has to be done over and over and over, but that is part of the process.

Look up Jake Porter - Grieving Together.

Thank you for the advice, I will check it out. Even over the course of drinking I didn't drink every day and all day so I know the waves of grief and they suck. I know that they will come back over and over now that I get to feel all the things.

the1stwife

Also the OW may seemingly appear to be happy and all that, but I call it FakeBook because so often, it’s true. You think people post when they look like a wreck b/c of a sick kid who kept them up all night? Do you think people are going to post their spouse is a liar and cheater? No — they post the good stuff so they can make people believe their life is soooo wonderful and perfect when it’s actually a shitshow and horrible.

You are absolutely right and the LOGICAL part of my brain knows that too but you know when the emotions take over you forget how to breathe and all that logical shit just goes out the window.

Ink

Incredibly glad to have your support friend. You are exactly right. I think its time I let the walls down and really just be sad and let it out. I cried last night and he gave me my space. I have a lot to grieve about but I really do think I was doing much better before our sons accident, I had cut back drinking so much, I was at the gym , I was out with friends and then after his accident I became a hermit. Working from home didn't help. We don't get out much as a family at all because having two special needs kids is incredibly hard, we do manage church and dinners here and there but other than that our time is constantly split. We try to do a lot more together at home but then again, that is where I always am. I took up reading again and that passion is still there and it definitely helps but I think I need more , more for just me and I am trying to do that without hurting my children.

I hope you are ok, I haven't been on here for a long time but I did miss you all.

Bearlybreathing

For some reason reading your post, I get the feeling you feel stuck - that you have to stay married. You don’t. You may decide you want to D. And that is okay. You don’t have to stay married. Allow yourself to have that as a thought experiment. Or you can redefine what R will be for you and Mr. Groot. Be sure he knows how much you are struggling. It could be a real turning point for you both.

Thank you! He absolutely knows and I feel like I have gotten better at explaining it rather than blaming him, I feel like I am a brand new BS and its been two years.... I know that the alcohol is a lot to blame for that so I am just preparing myself for the heartache and processing all over again, I am just tired. Extremely tired. I deleted FB for over a year and I reactivated it last month to share about our son because so many people cared and I think it was a mistake... I love having it for the support groups but all the other things I can do without.

As far as being stuck, I really don't feel that way. I considered my options in the beginning and let him know what I wanted/needed to make the marriage work and he has done all of those things and more, I think the issue is within myself and instead of dealing with it I just tried to bury it and focus on my kids and his accident and now I am reprocessing all the things I thought i already did.

I appreciate all of you responses, encouragement, and honesty. I am not proud of the drinking but I am very proud that I recognized it before anymore trauma or hurt could come to my family and myself.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 6:05 PM, Monday, January 5th]

I am glad you posted an update I have wondered about you from time to time.

Sometimes when we experience multiple traumas close together it’s difficult to really map where all the pain comes from. Our narratives to some of it are our minds attempt to think our way out of something.

I am not saying you are not directly impacted by the affair, or minimizing it. But you have many things going on at once. There are multiple studies that show quitting alcohol even in moderation creates a dependency that affects brain chemistry. It’s very normal to feel emotional withdrawal far past the time that your physical withdrawal is over.

You have a lot to grieve obviously, the affair being one of them. But the disgust you are feeling in yourself is also exacerbating the disgust you feel for him.

Also the idea that you have used this as a crutch means that you have not built improved coping mechanisms. When you last posted (at least what I was here to see) you were doing more things for you. That is an effective way to build back up dopamine.

I am focused on the body chemistry because you very well may need some professional guidance on navigating your post drinking life and may even need some temporary help in the form of medication.

I am not saying that you are not grieving or anything you are saying or feeling isn’t perfectly natural, but I think some of this shift maybe exacerbated by the shame you feel around the drinking and the actual effects of going cold turkey.

Also the idea you have been isolating your thoughts and feelings from your friends as if you don’t feel like they can understand grieving is not linear—find a way to connect with someone outside of your husband. A support group, possibly even AA, might help because if you find a good sponsor in all of it, you maybe able to differentiate what parts of this is managing the recovery. Having some experience with addiction and distraction for coping- it can feel like a very cold and lonely place - it was the lowest darkest point in my life.

I think what I identify with the most is that you have a lot of work to do one the relationship you have with yourself. And believe me friend, you deserve so much more, but it can only be experienced through the lens of a healed person and that is a scary place to get to that has no map.

I do think that you haven’t processed and that is part of it, but I want to draw your attention towards the alcoholism—because that is part of this, and properly managed will help you cope better with the external conditions you find yourself in.