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Hi everyone

How do you deal with nightmare unwanted dreams, I'm trying to recover from my wife betrayal, her first cheat was 10 years ago, we were togather for less than a year, then reconciled and togather for another 8 years before she ghosted me and cause lots of trouble for me that I nearly lost my job etc and everything. Now it's been 2 years since she ghosted me denied me closure, I thought I'm getting better and lot better than a year ago, but I still get nightmare or dreams where I see her saying she loves me, another dream right next day she is sleeping on someone right next to me on another bed then she sees me then she come sleep with me. I wake up hurt and sad 😔 I wonder hope I'm not back at square one.

Guys from your experience will this end and get better, I'm so scared to get into another relationship worries this might happen while I'm with another person who has nothing to do with rhis mess.

I'm not suicidal but I honestly feel I'm ready to go wishing to go so hopefully it is more peaceful. I'm sad I just want this to end.

Note these dreams doesn't happen often rarely but when it does its impact is unbearable and makes so sad that's it scares me that at any given moment I could be so sad.

Thank you

[This message edited by depression at 4:21 PM, Friday, January 9th]

Yes it ends.

Took 17 years for me. I got suicidal. I destroyed half of my life. I feel your pain.

For some ends up in therapy, you can learn how to cope. For others it may end when they find true love with a real loyal partner.

For me ended when I reached the bottom. I completely surrendered, accepted it, stop judging her or myself. I stopped caring.

This is probably the hardest way, but also the most stable one. Post traumatic integration.

You will not stop feeling the betrayal, or the emotions it produces. You will integrate them. You will feel it, absorb it, it will pass right away, does not linger.

You will feel no more anger towards her or self pity or humiliation towards yourself. You will clearly see the wounds of both of you and understand is was never about you or against you. It's what happen when broken people struggle to escape their trauma.

Being betrayed is horrible. The Betrayer pays a different price with a piece of their soul.

You hold the key inside, I can tell you it is possible but only you can find the way out.

For me it was simple acceptance, I surrendered to the understanding that she is not a monster, I am not unworthy, I have been playing a role and she played another to try soothing both our broken egos. You let you ego die, you remain emotionally naked as the day you were born. The pain and trauma dies with it.

Instead of closing yourself to tend to your wounds you open to the world without an armor or a mask, with your wounds exposed. And they so heal at once. And you open yourself to others, even to your WS.

Sounds scary but there is where you will finally find true peace.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:58 PM, Friday, January 9th]

I would tell you I'm healed but that would be a lie. I'm still struggling and it's been 7+ years.

I work with him, and can't change my situation if I want to eat or be certain I can survive at this age. I have to face each new woman he makes me hire, and live with it in my face constantly, rubbing salt into a wound that has never healed.

The nightmares for me are infrequent. The intrusive thoughts are a constant reminder that I'm not healed. I have wasted years being unable to process this in it's entirety. I'm still stuck in the unfairness of how it meant nothing to him, and women he's been with months are treated better than my decades with him.

At some point I'm going to have to move, remove myself from contact and that will be the only cure for me.

Some people find forgiveness, get therapy or find their own peace. Everyone gets there on their own timeline. Some journey through all of it with only a few scars, others carry those scars forever. TIME does not move at the same pace for everyone.

If you are open to trusting and giving yourself to someone new with an open heart and not bringing the baggage from the past with you then you are HEALING. Don't allow the past to determine how you love in the future, that will only destroy hope and a genuine connection.

Perhaps the next person will be your forever person, and everything your last relationship lacked will be found, and you'll be happy. At that moment you will be FREE. The past will be a reminder, but it will have lost it's hold on you. Good memories will soften and quiet old memories. New, better things will show you what life can be instead.

We may never forget but in the right circumstances it will fade. Enough happiness and it will stop invading your mind, and it will be a reminder not to travel that path again, to have boundaries, and will show you what a healthy relationship looks like.

Hang in there. I hear you, and fully understand where you're at right now. Find comfort in knowing there are others struggling with EXACTLY the same things. You got this. Trust yourself to know when it's right.

Thank you both so much for your reply.

Backfromthestorm gave me little hope but also worried I waste further years of my life. It is sad 😔.

Maggule, I appreciate your honesty it's just made me hopeless 😔 I'm so sorry you going through this.

I am not sure what we suppose to do why people hurt us this bad. It is scary it is a lifelong trauma I just hope we all be good and well and but I don't think this scar will go away, its almost always eating me why she did that. Some time I feel ok and good and happy and then some other time I feel sad.

I feel I'm stuck I'm unable to move forward. I understand not to take baggage to next relationship but sometime I feel I want other person to know but I know it might not be a good idea.

Thank you .. backfromthestorm 17 years is a long time and not sure if you're healed now or in another happy relationship.

Thank you .. backfromthestorm 17 years is a long time and not sure if you're healed now or in another happy relationship.

You would call it "healed" but the truth is while we are into that pain we expect "to heal" means to return back to the previous, pre-wounded self.

For me the post-traumatic integration meant my wounds, traumas, died and disappeared, but for that to happen my old "identity", the ego, had to die with them.

You are the same person, but different.

Instead of emotions mixing or getting stuck, lingering and feeling confusing you feel them clearly, more intensely, but only in the moment, then they pass, and leave your sky clear.

I know very weel the depths of depression, so my empathy relates with you. Depression is a defense mechanism when a state of constant distress and hypervigilance (fight/flight) becomes unsustainable. Your body "depress it" chemically, to avoid breaking.

This saves you from crashing, but this depressed state also naturally nourishes the negative emotions, intrusive thoughts and traumas that caused the hypervigilance in the first place.

It becomes a feedback loop caused by a defense mechanism, that is why it feels hopeless to escape.

You cannot "force" yourself out of it or escape it because that's a reactive path, you cannot "fight" or "flight" from the chemical and psychological state that your body established to prevent you from crashing from your permanent "fight or flight" state.

Logic will not help you because the root is emotional, so please try to read this with your mind first, then read it again and "feel it" until you can spot the reflection of your life traumas into this.

You must first find and isolate those to 'remove them' but the removal is not a force action, they only go away when you call them, accept them, absorb them and say to yourself "I see what this is, and it is part of me, it is fine".

Chemistry in the form of drugs can help you to suppress the symptoms because it fights your own body "defense chemistry", but it cannot resolve the root psychological causes that lies buried in what you nerve system sees as a "fight / flight"threat, only you can address those by accepting them.

Dreams and intrusive thoughts are just the manifestation of those unheard issues, trying to call you to focus your attention and address them. That is why they haunt you.

Post integration is easy to listen to those emotions and feelings, because it comes natural, we are all born with that skill, we often lose it in our early life due to our parents, social circle, school, etc.

- We learn early not to overstep the world's boundaries which is necessary, it moderates your needs and make you sociable instead of self centered.

- Often we learn to disrespect our own boundaries in this process, which is damaging. You need moderation towards both ways: the outside world's boundaries and your own boundaries are equally valuable.

- If we do not reach balance, our center, we become dependent from outside validation, because your inner self feels it's own boundaries are null or unworthy. (this is where the issue starts, this is also the starting point that leads normal people to become BS or WS in this case)

Let's stop here for now, if you can "feel" something in this words will help you more than if you can understand it.

You say when you feel ready to dig more.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:46 AM, Sunday, January 11th]

Depression,

I’m many years past you.

I still have the occasional nightmare; very infrequent.

It’s always the same; no sexual component.

I return to the house from running an errand, and he’s there. Sitting on the couch. And I wake up.

I’m sure my brain is trying to tell me something, probably important, but I really don’t want to hear it. (If my brain is so smart now, why didn’t it help me make better decisions then?)

And I can’t connect these random occurrences to anything happening in life; anything my WW is doing or not doing.

Just a lingering, or permanent, side-effect, I guess.

Best wishes.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’re grieving which is absolutely a part of this process and completely valid.

I used to have nightmares often and would wake up frightened. What helped was to journal my dreams and to find the emotion within them. I learned that my dreams were my own subconscious communicating emotion that I needed to process and work through. Sometimes the dynamics within the dream would help me to identify some of the feelings and the root of where they may be stemming from.

I started individual therapy shortly after D-day. It helped me immensely. I struggled with labeling emotions, unpacking them — especially with so many being so jumbled up, and I struggled with getting to my traumas on an emotional level to fully work through them. Therapy helped me with all of that and provided a safe space and guidance and encouragement for me to really process these things and get to a healed version of myself.

Recovery is hard, I recommend individual therapy if you’re open to it. Especially with some of the more complex emotions. Having additional support and guidance goes a long way.

Have you tried IC? (Therapy)? Or talked to a doctor. You may be depressed and need a little help getting through it.

I found that I didn’t heal back to the person I was, but I was able to use it to grow. I’ve not yet another relationship (working on that) but otherwise and living a great happy life.

One question for you- have you forgiven yourself for staying with her after DDAY 1? Or not seeing the signs before she left? Sometimes people hang on to that piece— that they should have known better. It’s not true- you behaved the way a good partner does.

Please seek out a trauma informed therapist. Even just a couple months can be very helpful.

Also, be kind to yourself.

Have you gotten proper Betrayal Trauma Therapy? Highly recommend it. Yes, it gets better, but with proper therapy it get better much faster and leaves you much healthier.❤️

Thank you so much for all your input. I haven’t had any counselling or any professional help. I felt ashamed and very embarrassed. From the first betrayal, it has been almost 10 years—maybe even more. I’m so concerned, worried, and anxious about going for counselling right now because I keep thinking, what is this going to do?
I feel it will reopen a wound that may have partially healed, so that’s the reason I don’t feel encouraged to go for counselling. I hope this is just a dark grey cloud that’s going to pass. Sometimes I remember some of the things that make me feel sad.
She completely ghosted me. She left me with tons of furniture and items and just disappeared. It nearly cost me my job and cost me my licence to practice. Despite all that, I was actually the one who helped her get a job, get a licence—everything. I don’t know what else to say.
Eventually, she complained about me at work her male colleague who i never knew existed, after 9 years of ups and downs. When I tried to talk to her at work, she immediately called that person and referred to him as a colleague and a friend. I saw that in the HR statements letter she made which was shared with me everything she said so I prepare for the hearing, can you believe that.

It’s sad. It is what it is. This pain, this trauma, this betrayal—it feels like she never loved me. I honestly don’t know. I think I developed a trauma bond right after the first betrayal. Maybe she stayed out of guilt—I don’t know.

I hope this will pass. Yes I’m ready backfromthestorm. Thank you all so much.

God knows, once I get a response, I sit properly, read it under the blanket in bed, and try to hug myself while reading your words.

Please know that your input is highly valuable to me. I’m only 37; she is almost 42 now, but it is what it is. I’m not suicidal. It’s just very sad. I hope this changes. I feel I want to die though.

Thanks again.

I feel it will reopen a wound that may have partially healed, so that’s the reason I don’t feel encouraged to go for counselling.

This is exactly why you need to stop avoiding it. If you had a physical wound that was infected and not healing properly, you would go to a doctor who might have to reopen it to fully clean it out and stitch it back up. The same can be true of emotional wounds. You've been holding in toxic feelings for too long, and that is eating away at your soul. It's time to let some sunlight in and start to disinfect - you have done nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what anyone says! It's not your fault or some lack in you that caused her to cheat. It's the opposite - she's missing something inside that would keep her from behaving badly.

That feeling of wanting to die is called being passively suicidal. I lived it with for several years. It's possible to get out of it, but it usually takes therapy, emotional work, and forward looking action. Sometimes medication, too. Good luck!

Please know that your input is highly valuable to me. I’m only 37; she is almost 42 now, but it is what it is. I’m not suicidal. It’s just very sad. I hope this changes. I feel I want to die though.

I know how deep it can hurt, I once toyed with my father's gun, did not find the bullets before my parents came back.
That was 17 years ago.

Later, about a year ago, during the deepest depression I stayed an hour leaning outside the balcony, the idea that I should pick up my daughter was the thing that held me.

So from some who felt the same: is not worth it.

What pushes you in the depression is a wound that you refuse to see, to accept because you are afraid it will hurt you. Ironically you still feel all it's pain (is your nerve system calling your attention on it) but for the wound to heal and go away they require you to look at it and accept it is there.

Maise's advice is good:

I used to have nightmares often and would wake up frightened. What helped was to journal my dreams and to find the emotion within them. I learned that my dreams were my own subconscious communicating emotion that I needed to process and work through. Sometimes the dynamics within the dream would help me to identify some of the feelings and the root of where they may be stemming from.

You need to call the underlying emotion. Emotions need to be heard and felt. Is like when you lose something important and you feel the need to cry, cry and it passes, suppress it and it will haunt you.

That's the spiral that paints everything (even the good memories) darker than it might really be. Your psyche projects towards your WS to find / understand why the missing validation from your Betraying partner.

Since you will not find it there, it turns against you. Your brain craves answers but answers do not quiet the feelings because they stem from the emotions produced by the betrayal wound.

I can give you the likely answers that you think you need on "why" (not because I know your story, but because all WS share very similar patterns you can read here and see it always the same issues pushing them to cheat) you can read them as well here and talking to WS, it will not change the pain or the depression, we all obsess over "the reason why" but unfortunately it's a red herring for feeling better.

Find the emotion, embrace it as part of you, recognize it and tell yourself "yes, this is what I feel, and it's ok, I see it, it is part of me".

It will fade out immediately.