SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last night my husband came to bed and he was very quiet. At first he asked me if I felt like everything was normal again. I said absolutely not and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about the affair. For context, I am the WS and he is the BS. Dday was almost 3 months ago. There isn’t a day I wake up and ask myself why I did the things I did. It is my first memory waking up and last thought going to sleep. My AP was my first cousin. Why my first cousin you may ask? I’m not sure… he used to molest me as a child and I still felt like he had power over me. I have no friends or anyone I can talk to as a friend. No acquaintances. Nothing. I felt very lonely and I craved connection. I reached out to him bc he was a alcoholic and I thought I was being nice by helping him talk to me about his issues, that slowly turned to him talking about how he used to molest me. He would even say things like "remember how I used to touch you and you would always tell me "no no no" " I feel disgusted by him. I absolutely cut contact with him on dday and no desire to think or reach out at all.

Anyways, I went on a tangent, maybe my thoughts are all over the place.

Now, last night he told me that he wishes I looked different. That I do my makeup and hair the same as "the past" (I think he means before dday) and he wishes I would lose weight to look different, but that I’ve stayed comfortable in my own appearance and I’m doing nothing to better it. Maybe this is his way of saying he isn’t attracted to me, but I’m not sure why he can’t just tell me. When I ask him if I’m still attractive to him, he says yes, but I feel like he’s lying. We barely talk about dday and the affair because I want him to bring it up when he needs to. Sometimes I’ve always wanted him to open up to me (he barely ever does and has always been that way). I’m just confused about what he meant. Maybe I’m just rambling…

[This message edited by Pickinguppieces99 at 1:47 PM, Tuesday, January 13th]

It a sad story, apparently a bit different from the usual pattern, even if you had underlying issues you have suffered as well of being manipulated at least to some extent.

Look, trying to read inside the mind of a man of how he feels or does not feel attraction towards you.

There are 2 things to consider:

1st He still does: Otherwise he would have left you immediately. Attraction does not instantly fade for the woman you loved even when she betrays you. If he loved you that is just too deep. It might finally die one day, when the pain wins over it, then he will leave you. But is among the last things to fade, or might never fade.

2nd He is disgusted and repulsed by you: at the same time. When a committed man gets betrayed by his woman, his instinct will never fully be able to erase the imagine that you shared your body with another man.

So he is in full cognitive dissonance. He will ping pong between his love and attraction for you and the feeling of repulsion that the affair introduced in him.

That might be a clue why he says that he is still attracted to you (but you feel is not honest) and at the same time would like for your imagine to change. He would like to get back where you were before the A, but he wishes you to be a different woman, a version of you that he still recognized, but the OM never possessed.

It's all emotional, there is no logic here at play.

Women connect with their partner through emotional intimacy. Men connect with their partner through physical intimacy. Hopefully it helps you to better read the clues you can spot and see if you can work with it to improve the ordeal you are both going through.

I wish you both the best, but it will require time and a lot of emotional intelligence and effort.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:18 PM, Tuesday, January 13th]

When I first read the title to this thread I had an entirely different interpretation of it. I told my wife something very similar, only not with the same meaning at all. Her presence triggers me. Just seeing her is a constant reminder of what happened. That's why R can be so difficult. When you D or separate you no longer have to be around the person who caused you so much pain. When you choose to stay, you choose to live with that constant reminder, that constant trigger of the trauma that damaged you so badly.

Of course after reading your post I see you're talking about something entirely different, but possibly related? I'm not sure how to respond to that. My knee-jerk reaction is along the lines that this has nothing to do with your affair and he's criticizing how you look in a way that I find kind of distasteful. However, I don't know your whole situation and he could just be speaking from a place of pain and is retaliating to purposely inflict pain in return. I really don't know.

My wife has been up and down with her weight and appearance throughout our 28 year relationship and I've never said anything like that to her so I'm kind of just drawing a blank right now. I wish I had some more words of wisdom for you.

If you are genuinely overweight, you might consider losing some. But you must primarily do it for you, in a healthy, sustainable way, from a place of self-love and self-care for your body, not from a place of shame.

If you’re only doing it for your H, via unhealthy or unsustainable means, or from a place of shame, you will fail. It will feel like a punishment and a means to an end, not a lifestyle change. If you are successful and your husband is more attracted to you as a byproduct, great. But the changes you make need to be for yourself.

Begin an exercise routine that you enjoy and you can see yourself doing consistently and for a long time. Willpower has its limits, so if you don’t like it, you won’t sustain it. Lots of people think you have to wake up at some ungodly hour and go for a run every day, and then hit the weights. You don’t. Get it in where it fits into your day, even if you have to break it up into smaller chunks throughout the day, whether it’s walking, biking, lifting, playing a sport, body weight exercises, yoga, doing yard work, whatever. Just move.

Gradually make changes to your diet to eat slightly fewer calories, and switch to a mostly whole foods diet over time. Focus on fruits, veggies, lean protein sources, whole grains, and healthy, plant based fats like nuts, seeds, olive oil, avocados, etc. in moderation. Limit dairy, processed foods, added sugars in all forms, and caloric drinks like fancy coffees and sodas. Drink as much water as you can. Your food doesn’t have to be bland, either— you can use all the seasonings, herbs, and spices you want. If or when these changes stop resulting in weight loss, you will probably need to start tracking calories to make sure you’re eating slightly under maintenance. And most importantly, stay consistent, have patience, and get back on the wagon if you fall off.

Taking better care of your health in this way not only changes your weight, but you will also have more energy, feel physically and emotionally better, see improvements in your skin texture, clarity, and complexion, grow healthier hair and nails, experience less bloating and more regular hormones… All kinds of benefits that will make you look and feel beautiful, inside and out.

And if you want to style your hair differently, get your nails done, wear makeup or more stylish clothing, go for it. Those things can feel like self care if you do them for yourself, too.

I hardly feel that I need to stress how much I dislike infidelity, and how I have consistently said they cheat despite us – not because of us.

There are a couple of issues in your story that make me go hmm....

I do think that the childhood molestation is a serious issue. I also think what you share about your husband – the "only" time he "only" punched you three times and tried to choke you, and now the demand that you change – is a serious issue.

These are VERY SERIOUS issues.

Very serious.

I don’t think the molestation or the past gives you any discount on the pain caused. I do think you need to be accountable for that. But it does not give your husband a green-light for abuse. Physical or emotional.
Not pointing a finger at him. His actions weren’t what made you cheat. But his reaction is not a healthy reaction, and it in no way or form indicates reconciliation.
He’s young, and might lack experience or maturity. His actions might be out of helplessness. But still wrong.

At the same time, your childhood molestation is something that needs to be dealt with. I’m guessing the uncle needs to be someone that is out of your life. But even then you probably need a lot of help in dealing with it and the consequences of the abuse... Heck... one typical consequence for abused women is seeking abusive partners...

The best advice I can offer you on an anonymous online forum like this is for you to search for a woman’s shelter or abuse help-line in your area. Not to flee your husband. I have hope that what you state about this being a one-off action being correct. But that helpline has dealt with abused women – molested women – and has the resources to help you deal with that.
These helplines also often have family counseling and/or male-tutoring to help men who might be falling into using abuse to control their families into learning other ways to handle things.

Please – You can lose weight, get a boob-job and have more botox than a life-raft in your lips, but if this is about control, pain and revenge from your husband then that won’t be enough

Are you too depressed to care for your appearance? This often happens when people are clinically depressed. It also can impact your self confidence dramatically. Both of those things will have an impact on your husband's view of your attractiveness.

You might want to check in with a doctor about depression and of course a trauma counselor about your A and past abuse. You need to heal and that will give you the strength to help your husband heal as well. We all make bad choices. We all have regrets to some degree. You can work toward overcoming your choices and trauma and improve the rest of your life. It is achievable but it won't happen by doing nothing, by only wishing it would happen.

Odd question?

If a dog bites you are you going to want to keep it around and try petting again?

If the dog has a history of growling and/or biting without threats being displayed towards the dog, will you keep it around?

Infidelity is one thing and Domestic Violence (violence towards wife/spouse/fiancé) is totally separate item.

Don't be a fool and allow a second time to happen.

Look up statistics. Your life and/or health is in jeopardy.

Florida the week - wife shot dead by husband - over a football game!

Upper midwest - ex husband shot dead ex-wife and her husband.

A mind taken over by hate is like an un-exploded bomb waiting for the slightest jar to trigger it exploding.

Read again Biggers post -