SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Somehow, I'm missing a search function here, or maybe I just haven't found it? I am sure this topic must have been discussed before but anyway:

What's bothering me is the issue of mutual friends. Since we were both already 50+ when we started our relationship, we each had our own friends. We had a large circle of mutual acquaintances, but no couples who were close to us both. That has changed over the years we've been together — I've invited people over, made new friends, connected people, so that a small community has formed around us.

In our current situation, I observe very different patterns: some of our mutual friends refuse to ever have contact with my WH again because they morally disapprove of his behavior so strongly — even if we were to reconcile. If I want to keep in touch with them, it will definitely be without him.

Others got back in touch with him very early on, but haven't spoken a single word to me since the whole incident for reasons only they now.

And then, fortunately, there are those who respect the ambivalence of the situation, i.e. any decision I may take, and who will openly approach him again.

But it makes me sad to know that, either way, very few friends will remain, especially since we both have very little family. At almost 60, I don't find it easy to start all over again when it comes to friendships. I'm angry with him because he ruined that too.

What experiences have you had and how did you deal with them?

It's an emotionally loaded topic for everyone, people might feel uneasy to touch the topic, they might fear it can happen to them (very likely, no one wants to be the BS one day), they just do not know how to approach it respectfully and are afraid to slip and cause you pain.

Consider as a default is very common for people to think "If it ever happens to me to be the BS I will surely leave the WS and never look back"

Many of use were utterly convinced of that too.
Still we tried to R.

People who were never there might see this as impossible to understand, they may have deeper sympathy for you, perhaps even projecting resentment towards your WS as proxy, and still feeling awkward and avoiding the topic because they are unsure why you R and how to express their concern without hurting or offending you.

Maybe also you do not like bring it up, so it is a topic 'hanging there' but taboo, hence they might find more comfort in just being around you (or him) and avoiding what they perceive as landmines.

I am living a similar situation with a close friend of my WW:

She is also my good friend, she is in her early 40, 3 years in a relationship with a serial cheater, we are losing count on how many times she caught him in the act, they keep splitting then he manipulates her back, sweet at the start, then shifting the blame onto her, then restarting the cycle (which I believe he never stops, he is just a good manipulator).

Nothing to say, she is destroyed going through all the trauma of being the Betrayed Partner.

Ironically, being the good friend of my Wife, she was also present to witness (and 'support') both of her affairs.
I do not resent her for that because she is a woman, she is my wife's (gf back then) friend first, and that's just what friends do.

So she talks with us about her pain and relationship - let's don't linger on the irony that my own WW speaks with outrage how that behavior is unacceptable and she should forever leave him. I agree, but I can't help but laugh at her cognitive dissonance here - she tells how much it hurts and she listens to my advice particularly (because she knows I used to wear her shoes).

And still, even while suffering the heat of it, she avoids and it's reluctant to acknowledge or touch the topic of our betrayal story. Even if we are friends, even if she was there, even if she know everything, she can talk about her betrayal but, her friends (us) betrayal is a taboo topic.

My wife last time we met brought up her own betrayal as an example openly while we were discussing hers. She changed the subject immediately, visibly in discomfort.

I do not feel this barrier to talk openly with her about what she is going through, even when she brings her WP at us for dinner. But she feel her friend's one is taboo.

It's the only example I can bring because is the only one I experience.
There is something psychological at play, it would be interesting to understand what and how to normalize it.

Hi 7m46s,

I totally understand this - having been to IC and Couples therapy I was told early on that even if we choose to R, there is a process of grieving that has to be done. I had initially thought this grieving is limited to my previous relationships, dreams, beleifs etc that they were based on.

A year from dday I am realising it also involves grieving ‘collateral damage’ - for my it’s my sister - who saw my FWH as her own brother like figure and now doesn’t talk to him at all and only ‘tolerates’ his presence in family situations. I’ve had to grieve the loss of this community and also whatever judgement I feel from that.

I agree with backfromthestorms statement ‘Consider as a default is very common for people to think "If it ever happens to me to be the BS I will surely leave the WS and never look back" - this was my default too and many think there disapproval of the betraying partner will force the BS to wake up and smell the coffee.

Life is in the grey bits and some people haven’t seen that yet. Maybe over time these friends will come back into the fold. I’ve had to make peace with time being the healer and letting things flow. I hope you do too

Thanks for sharing your experience, BackfromtheStorm and anxiouslyhopeful.

Consider as a default is very common for people to think "If it ever happens to me to be the BS I will surely leave the WS and never look back"

This is exactly what I am experiencing, always with a kind of subtext of "if he does it again, don't come running again". I also believe that it's a topic that makes people feel uncomfortable because if they really think about it, it leads them to wonder whether it could happen to them too (or perhaps has already happened without them knowing). Hence the avoidance. Many of my friends are very introspective people or even have psychological training. But even they reject it when I point out this connection to them.

In one of her TED Talks Esther Perel says "Staying is the new shame." I think this applies especially to women who — highly qualified and independent in every respect — have "no reason" to stay.

Ironically, being the good friend of my Wife, she was also present to witness (and 'support') both of her affairs.
I do not resent her for that because she is a woman, she is my wife's (gf back then) friend first, and that's just what friends do.

I've thought a lot about how I would behave in the role of the friend. There were at least two people who knew about my WH's affair and both of them remained silent for years. They just said "that is none of our business". I, too, would certainly not be the one to tell the BS that he/she is being cheated on. But I would take a clear stance towards my friend ("I don't agree with this and I expect you to sort this out").

However, my question was more about the behavior of friends during R. I am only beginning to accept that there is something to mourn here too.