SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long story short 3 weeks ago i kicked her out of the house after seeing all the texts and catching her in a lie. She told me she was going to work but she secretly went to a bar and hotel with the AP. She made it apparent that she was checked out and wanted time to what she wanted and rebuild herself while making it clear we're not together anymore.
Fast forward to this last Saturday valentines she came over we had sex and all sunday she kept telling me it was amazing how she loved it and so on.
Well monday comes around and she told me she had to work so i stayed with the kids only to have an emergency where i needed to have her watch them.... i called her multiple times no answer. I went to the AP house and there she was. I made a scene and everything. Told her how could she make me believe that we were going to rebuild or try to rebuild and here she is telling me she had just finished sleeping with the guy.

So that destroyed me allover again and yesterday she told me if she were to come home she would be cheating herself because it isn't truly what she wants "at this moment"

Im heartbroken because i dont want to share my fiance and despite the betrayal i want her back.

I guess my question would be would you guys move on and see other people or standy by and causally see other women & pray she realizes after the affair fog what life really is like

My friend, I’m very sorry you are in this situation. We all understand your pain and agony very well. You are fortunate to have discovered your fiance’s flaws now rather than later after marriage further complicates your union and family. You have a duty to yourself and your kids to think very rationally about this. If she is cheating, sneaking, hiding and equivocating now - why would you think things will get better after marriage. Please understand this relationship is dead and she is not a healthy woman at all right now - and that you can’t save her. Frankly, the best thing for her is to experience the consequences now and perhaps learn something from it. But you need to save yourself and your kids from trauma. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea who are a lot healthier, and don’t start out a future together with infidelity.

You mention kids. Are they children you and she had together?

In either case it's pretty clear she's not committed to you in the same way you are to her. She has no problem lying to you, keeping secrets, and sneaking around. Are you sure you want to continue a relationship with someone like that? Right now she's not a safe partner. Don't pay any attention to what she says. Her actions are what counts, and the actions you describe speak volumes.

There's no way I'd consider trying to just wait it out, and I think you considering seeing other people right now, while you're still traumatized, isn't a great idea either. You need time to heal and recover from this, and that's not going to happen if you continue to see her while she's doing these things. I'd tell her she can see who she wants and do whatever she wants to do, but you're not going to be there if she's going to be with other people. I don't share my finacee or wife with anyone.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Most of us know what you're going through. I think you need to send a strong message that you're not going to tolerate this behavior. I don't know if you have something salvageable or not, but the waybthings are right now aren't sustainable. I do know if she doesn't see any consequences she has no reason to change.

"Is not what she wants at the moment"

My friend sorry but.... do you understand?

I know you are hurting and limerent for her right now but she is openly telling you this:

When I am done with the other man, I will eventually come back to you, IF I feel like and want a change of flavor or I am out of condoms

You re not in R you are in a toxic abusive exploitative relationship with a cheater at the peak of her affair.

She is treating you like disposable garbage, utterly convinced that you will be there waiting and weeping rolling down as a doormat for when she has free time to get you satisfy her needs (until the other guy is available again).

You want her back?

She is not, she is stabbing you in the back and enjoying it. You cannot have her back.

You should not want her back, not in the state she is now, how could you want a person that is like her in this moment, at the highest of her cheating, zero respect for you, selfish, lying and openly treating you like trash.

You know what you truly want back?

The version of you who can stand, respectful and respected, with his woman.

ANd for your own sake take that back right now.

You cannot control another person, and a cheater in the high is uncontrollable, she likely can't even control herself.

She does not give a fuck to you.

Drop her now, read about the 180. That is the ONLY way she might eventually realize her mistake and then MAYBE you can think about R (if you still want her, but really she is being horrible if half what you said is true).

You must protect yourself now.
You are doing the pick me dance right now.

It does not work for dates.
It works even less for a currently cheating partner.

What you are doing right now is giving her the utmost certainty that she will get all, the affair and your perpetual servitude, because you will accept any disrespect.

Get your respect back now. She will notice. That might give her something to think about or not. But it will save you, and really is the only thing that matters now.

Read the 180, apply it immediately.
Seriously it's harsh what I am telling you but you will understand this is caring for you. More than she will ever do right now.

There’s no point in considering reconciliation on any timeline while she’s active in her infidelity.

If you share kids consult a lawyer about a custody agreement and separation of finances. Get tested for STD’s. All communication should be over text or email and should only be about the kids or separation logistics.

If she pulls her head out of her ass and stops her affair then you can decide if there’s anything to salvage.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 8:04 PM, Friday, February 20th]

Honey, just dump this broad. She doesn't want what you have to offer unless SHE CAN USE YOU. And that's what it comes down to. You've seen what she thinks of you. You catch her, you make the mistake of having sex with her like within days (get and STD test incidentally, you don't know how many rodeos she's been to), and then you find her right after with this guy again. This GUY is what she wants. And you need to find your pride and self respect and not put up with this. Let her go, let her find out for herself whatever there is to find and DO NOT TAKE HER BACK. If you do, you're just gonna keep going through this because she's shown you who she is and what she wants and doesn't want. She doesn't respect or value you. It is what it is.

I don't know if you have kids, I might have missed it, I doesn't sound like you're legally married so it should be an easier process. If you have kids, you might want to see a lawyer to find out what the law allows here and to separate out any financial issues. Personally, I'd call over a friend as a witness, pack up her shit and leave it by the front door or garage and tell her to get it. Check what the law says about kicking someone out, she should just go live with AP.

Kid, you've got to get over the idea that this woman is anything special, because she's not. She's not someone you should love. You're just used to her. You can get UNUSED to her too and find someone much better. Don't settle for someone who treats you like this. She doesn't love you, she doesn't respect you, she could not make it clearer, and don't put up with this. Just end it. You deserve better and if you don't think you do, then you need to do some counseling. YOU DESERVE BETTER. And you'll find it as long as you don't settle for this. And get that STD test, you don't know where she's been or for how long. I don't think she's choosy.