SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had a 12 week affair with someone he met at a reunion. Gaslit me extensively for that time and moved in with her and her children, all while denying he was doing anything more than having a good time with some old friends. He broke up with me during one of his spells back at home but denied he had met anyone. I only found out because he was very open with mutual friends of ours and expected them to keep his secret which they couldn't after seeing me struggle with sudden changes in help with childcare. He denied initially and then suddenly admitted a very minor affair and wanted to come home. He was still on the mortgage and had nowhere to go so I felt I couldn't deny him. I emphasised we were over but he could still be nearby to be a dad.
A week later his mistress got in touch with me. Full blown affair from the first night, weekends away, he was with her the night my dad had a serious operation. What I'm struggling with now is dealing with her for those few days to get some sort of truth my husband wasn't willing to provide has felt as damaging as the affair. She knew an extraordinary amount of intimate detail about me, she shared sexual information about them I didn't want to know, shared all their intimate texts which I only managed to read two before deleting them. I knew it was probably hurting me but he wouldn't tell me anything and at that point the truth felt so important.
We aren't back together and yet I find her words so intrusive and damaging. Has anyone else had experience of dealing with the affair partner? I feel it was malicious and I almost want to respond to her and put her in her place. She still felt it was ok two months after to casually reach out to both of us. But also don't think being drawn back into their triangle will benefit me in the long run. Just a conflict between protecting my mental safety and wanting justice.

Best way to get from crazy is to head the other direction…

As-is the AP seems to think your husband is the prize. That you two might be competing over him. So don’t compete… If she contacts you just tell her you aren’t interested, that he’s free to do what he wants and if that involves being with her then hooray for him. But that you don’t have any interest in knowing anything more about it.

He was still on the mortgage and had nowhere to go so I felt I couldn't deny him. I emphasised we were over but he could still be nearby to be a dad

So what’s your next step? You call him husband, so I guess there is a formal marriage behind all this. Divorce in the UK is pretty straightforward and you should be able to see how things will go. While it’s all being processed he can continue paying his share of the cost of the family (mortgage included) while residing elsewhere. Didn’t seem too focused on dad-of-the-year for the 12 weeks spent with OW.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

On the one hand if you were getting the trickling of truth, the AP reaching out giving you more facts gives you information we all greatly need in order to decide what we want to do. If the way she shared the information was malicious/arrogant, then in my opinion you should resist putting her in her place. If she didn't care entering into a relationship with a married man, she doesn't care how you feel; and it will probably just boost her ego up even more that she got under your skin. Every day for awhile, I wanted to call my wife's AP and let him have it; but I did not want to give him the satisfaction.

You got information from the AP you weren't getting from your husband; take that info and start your journey to recovery. Reaching out, blasting her, putting her in your place likely won't give you the satisfaction you think it does; especially if she responds arrogantly.

Find a really good trauma/infidelity therapist and talk to them about all these feelings including reaching out to the AP. I had a long conversation with my therapist about how so much of my anger was pointed to the AP and we worked on healthy ways of channeling that anger and releasing him from my thoughts.

Take good care of yourself physically as well as mentally. Eating/drinking water may seem like a challenge, but try to eat, drink water, and get some sleep. (easier said than done I know).

On top of taking care of yourself, try journaling. I never thought it would help, but when I sat down and got all the horrible thoughts out of my head and onto paper it was liberating. I would journal to myself, then I would journal to my wife and let her read what I wanted her to read. That helped remove some of the fog she was in and show her in writing how distraught I was.

I'm rooting for you. Please keep posting if you need assistance and you're about to get a lot more replies with great advice.

[This message edited by baseball33 at 5:37 PM, Monday, April 27th]

In limbo. He has nowhere to go. What he did is not a good optic in our smallish community and he didn't hide what he did particularly well so his friends have disappeared. He's pulling the mental health card saying he must have been crazy to do everything he did and isn't well. All the savings spent on a flash new car while he was there that he won't sell. I'm trying to limit the fallout on the kids but every time I try have a constructive discussion he crumples.

hcg1553 - I'm so sorry you're going through this, but this is one of the best places to find as you are. There are many caring people who have been through this here and who will give you advice and support. This site itself is an excellent resource and there are recommendations for books, etc. So you WILL get help and caring here for this nightmare that's been thrust upon you.

As for the specific problem right now, you probably already know this, but let me confirm it. This woman does not mean you well. She's not trying to be kind or helpful or informative. She doesn't feel sorry, blah blah. Her info may be very useful at this point and that's what I'd take it for, especially if he's been lying and gaslighting as he has. You can't rely on him for the truth and it's good that you have people around you who WILL tell you the truth about his actions.

I haven't been through this with an AP, but the motives are not good. It could be many things - she could be pissed off that he's not with her, or maybe he IS still seeing her and she's pissed that he's still with you, to whatever extent, maybe there's someone else too besides her, or before her. Don't be too sure she's the only one because his behavior sounds extreme from the get go - not only deserting you and your kids, but doing it at a time when your dad is very sick is extremely bad behavior. You say it's over and I think that's the right decision because I don't know how people come back from this shit and I don't think they should. There is massive disrespect and disregard here. Putting your foot down and your needs and life first IS the best way to move forward. Infidelity like this is a massive sign of disrespect and to me, other personality and behavioral issues as well - I don't think abandoning your family, even for months, is something people do in isolation of other traits and behaviors. It's a really, really shitty thing to do and it says something very basic about him - NOT YOU.

As for her, I think she served her purpose for you, in letting you know how bad things were and how much they were involved, what they were doing, kind of an inside look into how he REALLY views you and your marriage - because it sounds like he has shut down with you. You're right, she is doing this out of malice, she's trying to hurt you, and maybe him too, but I think you have all the info you need now, I don't think there's anything more useful she can tell you, and I would cut off all contact with her. It's not gonna help you or give you anything else you might need, she's doing it to hurt you and maybe him, I would just cut her off now and not talk to her or engage with her again. It's not going to get you anything else. He might take up with her again, but...you'd be in the same place you are now so why bother. You know what you need to know and it showed you a lot about HIM. She may not be telling the truth about everything....but it's enough.

At this point, I'd move forward with a divorce, you could try recon, but that goes on for years and I don't think most people heal from this kind of treatment and why bother. You've seen what he really thinks of you through his behavior, that's not gonna change. Actions matter, not talk. Talk to a lawyer and find out what divorce looks like for you and be guided by him or her. You might interview a few if it's a free or cheap consultation and find who you're most comfortable with. You could also look into counseling for yourself if that is practical and affordable, but do share what you're going through with at least 1 person you trust. Your husband will continue to gaslight you. You will have to work out living situations because...I'm sure you don't want to continue living with this jerk, and custody, etc. It's a lot, it can be overwhelming, but I firmly believe it is the best solution for most people because you cannot live with disrespect and lies.

So I would ignore her going forward, cut her off, just write down or record what she told you so you don't forget in case it could be useful, and just move forward. I'd also get a full STD panel because you don't know what he might be passing on and this can lead to serious illness. So do get that for yourself. And don't have sex with him or pay attention to any love bombing or bullshit he flings at you when he realizes that there will be COSTS involved here. I would not tell him anything you are doing - do what you do quietly and don't discuss with him. YOU take charge of YOUR life and present him with finished products. THIS IS YOUR LIFE - HE HAS NO RIGHT TO RUIN IT. Set down your boundaries and stick to them.

Others may disagree with me or have other insights, so do keep coming back and know we all wish you well and people here have many different experiences. Don't engage with AP again though - her usefulness to you is over. You know what you know and you know what it means. More will only hurt more because that's her intention. Good luck!

Thank you so much everyone for the replies. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. It's not just the emotional fallout and stability to deal with. Kids still need looking after and I can't miss any more work and life carries on and then the million thoughts bounce around in your head constantly. So I really appreciate the reinforcement.

hcg1553 - I'm an old lady so let me just share maybe some little thing that might help. There's all kind of trouble that we go through in life, whether family trouble, or marriage trouble, or child trouble, financial trouble, health trouble, work trouble. But no matter what it is, there's one phrase that serves all times and troubles: This too shall pass. No matter what it is, it's always true. I hope when things seem difficult for you and maybe you don't see the way forward, that maybe this sentence will return for you. The most important thing, I think, is to stay true to YOURSELF and to the way of life you want to have and preserve. The tough times don't last forever, and you WILL get through this!