Bit of a backstory... D Day was April last year. DH had an affair with a coworker. It started when I was around 35 weeks pregnant and he left me for her when he was 7 weeks old. During that time, I lost my dad to having a sudden end of life cancer diagnosis. He died at 4am; I returned home at 8am where I was given our newborn so he could get ready to go out on a planned night out - what I wasn't aware of at the time was he spent that night in a hotel room with AP. He didn't call or text once to see if I was ok whilst he was out, and didn't return until 3pm the next morning. I called him at 8am to ask if he was still going to be back by 9am as agreed so I could take my mom to see my dad at the funeral home, to which he had a go at me and then turned his phone off. This followed by several nights of "staying over late at work" and "painting his friend's hallway" where he was really having sex with her in her car whilst I was suffering at home with PND, looking after our children whilst trying to grieve my dad. My dad had a lot of designer t shirts, that my mom gave to him to get some wear out of them. He wore them all, including his favourite ones when he was sleeping with her. They're shoved in the back of my cupboard as I can't bear to look at them knowing she's had her hands all over them.
I found out about the affair via her Facebook that I was monitoring as I had my suspicions, it all came out 2 days before his funeral. He tried to deny it first, then looked me in the eye and told me he wanted to be with her. I was holding the baby at the time and I physically felt my world crash down. He packed his things and left me screaming on the bed as I'd messaged her, to try and win her back. He did everything to her to prove he wanted her and not me, including sending threatening mediation letters for 50/50 contact for our newborn - I already had severe separation anxiety and it completely destroyed the bond I had with him; even now at 16 months old. Eventually he came crawling back because she wouldn't have him, and I didn't want to be away from my baby as I was really suffering.
Anyway, he's put in all the work - his social life has come to a halt, he's switched sites at work so he's not with her and he's ditched his best friend of over 25 years who knew about the affair and encouraged it - even calling him of the morning my dad died to make the story look realistic that he was staying at his friend's house and even jokingly said "sorry your dad's dead". He comes home from long shifts and does everything for the kids and me, however in my head it'll never be enough to recover from all of the hell he put me through. Our 16 month old is severely delayed and the doctor is saying it's due to the high levels of stress I was experiencing. This has had such a ripple effect.
Point of this post - he barely goes out the house anymore. I've been banging on at him to go and go fishing with his brother to give us some space and to integrate him going out again as it's not healthy what we're doing at the moment. He wanted to go overnight fishing and has been gone since yesterday morning. It feels EXACTLY the same as it did before, and memories have come flooding back. It's the first night away since it all happened, and he knew it would be incredibly hard for me. He didn't even call to see if I was ok, and it ended up in a big argument last night where I was in hysterics. I'm typing this at 8am (UK time) and he's still not back. I've had 2 hours sleep. All be it was minor compared to last time, there's so SO many factors that are the same.
In my head I'm done, I've tried and I can't forgive him. I look at him a lot of the time with hatred and disgust. I can't tell if I'm still in a rage haze but in my head I can't cope with it anymore. I can't even think about my poor dad without everything that happened flooding back and setting me off.
[This message edited by hyperactivepineapple at 8:27 AM, Monday, May 25th]
