SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My thread starts on next comments, what follows is my technical difficulty and explanation for why I spammed the general forum.

sorry mods, I clearly had some trouble posting a thread. it just got hung up on the submission page and froze. Then it posted an empty thread to the general forum.

I'll try once more, I'm sorry for the trouble

Edit: still having trouble, tried to just paste it in here but it didn't work. I'll try to do it as the next comment

Edit 2: haha I feel silly, this is more technical difficulty than I've ever had. Still doesn't want to post. maybe it's too long? I'm not sure. I'll see if I can paste it in the next comment paragraph by paragraph.

Edit 3: ok, I figured it out. looks like I tried to use some characters that the board didn't like. I wanted to abbreviate a curse word with Shift+some number, like in the cartoons. I changed those characters to "heck" and voila, it posted. I apologize for the spamming everybody

[This message edited by justsendit at 12:42 AM, Wednesday, May 27th]

I was just reading Theevent's thread in the reconciliation forum and it got me thinking so I wanted to create this one so I didn't go off on a tangent in his own thread.

My story is not that exciting, but the nuggets are: years ago a girl I really loved cheated on me, several times. In fact, years later when really thinking about it, I suspect I was the other man for her when we met even though she denies it. But really, looking back, it was obvious. So of course I didn't know who she really was, thought she was the girl of my dreams. And then, it's an early morning phone call as he's driving her home and she says she's been sleeping around and bye.

I was in my early 20s. I loved her (or who I thought she was), and then she was gone. I didn't even get to talk to her about it, express my grief, she didn't even apologize. I remember she did say I didn't deserve it and it made her feel bad, but that was it. I reached out a few times over the next 8-12 months because I was stuck. She'd respond, say we should get together for dinner, and then ghost (this was even before ghosting was a term in the dating world).

So basically, my therapist tells me it was infidelity + abandonment, which I already had issues with. Makes sense to me. I've been in therapy a few years and it's been a godsend. Today, things are amazing, I like myself and I have a beautiful marriage.

So everything is good from the infidelity standpoint. I have come to understand it wasn't about me, it's who she was. Even if she would have spoken to me, it's not like she had the emotional intelligence to understand, or the empathy to even care. So I've let it go. What I can't let go of is my behavior after. I'm so ashamed that I tried to win her back, for a long time I tried. I know that it was a scared, hurt young man trying to bring back what he though he had. I know I didn't do anything wrong, and that the shock of her betrayal and abandonment threw my psyche into a tailspin. I know all this. I've read all the quotes, my favorite is "forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what only time could teach."

I know these things in my head, my heart just won't listen. I still hate that guy. I'm ashamed of him. My therapist was horrified when he asked what I'd do if I could go back in time and say something to him - I told him I'd slap the heck out of him. I know I should forgive him and give him empathy...I just can't. I don't know how. How do you forgive yourself when you're disgusted with who you were? I should mention that I have no problems forgiving other people, seeing their perspective and having empathy for them. It's just myself I can't give the same grace to.

[This message edited by justsendit at 12:45 AM, Wednesday, May 27th]

I know you ended your post with not being able to, but it's the truth: Give yourself grace. What you went through after was betrayal trauma, and it's extremely difficult to navigate. Some immediately rush to separation, some immediately rush to reconciliation, and some are in limbo unsure of what to do. No one thinks clearly after discovering infidelity and everyone makes mistakes because you're experiencing one of the worst emotional traumas a human being can endure. So I echo my first sentence, give yourself grace. You don't have to forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong. You were in love and were betrayed. You weren't ready to give up that love despite your girlfriends behavior and that's normal.

If anything she did you a favor by ghosting you. Anyone that can behave like that and show minimal remorse or guilt is not a healthy person to be around.

I'm glad you're in a happy relationship now. You may still have doubts/uncertainties about your prior relationship but that relationship ending opened the door for what seems like a healthier relationship with someone who respects you. Cherish that.

I found it helpful to think of how I would react to my children. I learned to hold boundaries and give my self grace consistent with that. To stop thinking I was worth less compassion than every other person on the face of the earth.

A favorite artist of mine, Andrew Peterson, has a song "Be Kind to Yourself". I recommend you listen to it on repeat for a while.

No one likes being vulnerable.

I hated that part.

Infidelity nukes the ego and I definitely didn’t like how long it took me to center or re-center myself.

I’m at a spot now where I find there is nothing to forgive.

I made every move with the best information I had in the moment. A lot like the quote you mentioned.

There is a very steep learning curve after betrayal.

And, that’s how I see my worst days, I was figuring it out. I was learning to heal and be a stronger version of myself.

Anyway, you’re not that guy you’re made at anymore — you’ve learned, adapted and (mostly) moved on.

You’re most of the way there, understanding that infidelity had nothing to do with you.

The last part, I think you’ll get there.

I was in my early 20s.

I can't remember where I read this - maybe the Bible, Constitution, could have been Socrates, Twain, Thoreau...

People in their early twenties have the right to do stupid shit.

I abused that right.