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I feel my BS and I are stuck.
I know it's still very early days for us, but I feel we have entered a loop now.
DDay 1 was Oct 25 and DDay 2 was last April.

My BS tells me he is tired of feeling this pain. He doesn't want to be in this emotional hell anymore. Which I understand, I see how hard it is for him. For the first time, he keeps mentioning separation. If we separated/divorced, he wouldn't have to worry about trust, trauma, being a BS etc, anymore. And I get that. I don't want that, but I get it. He knows I wouldn't fight him or make things hard. But I also know he may not be done with giving us another shot (yet).

I try hard every day, I am in IC, I am transparent, I have done and still do extensive reading(including Linda Macdonald and Brene Brown), I am not triggered by his negative feelings anymore. I barely use my phone, I avoid triggers (as much as I can), I check on him. And he acknowledges that (he said he'd be already gone otherwise). But his tiredness is still there, and he wants to wake up and feel normal (just to clarify, I am not expecting him to feel better straight-away, he wants that)

Has anyone (WS or BS) experienced this? What helped?

Talking doesn't help anymore. He says he wants normality, not keep talking about it. I feel like we both want to heal and we manage to have good days, but it's always like we are "managing" this ordeal. It's the processing that is missing. I know it takes time, and I have suggested this may be just part of the healing process, but he feels he can't continue like this. He doesn't wish to go to IC or MC.

How can I facilitate / support his healing? How do I react to this request? How do I move us forward from this impasse?
Is it about healing or am I missing something altogether?

Again, I don't want things to magically solve themselves, I just want to support my BS.

Again, I don't want things to magically solve themselves, I just want to support my BS.

I know, big hugs ((LonelyGuilty)) this shit is hard.

You mentioned DDay 2 was just last month. Please understand that for your BH, the clock completely reset in April. He isn’t seven months into healing. It is vital to understand that a second DDay doesn't just add to the timeline, it completely took you back to ground zero. You are one month out and TT is no small thing. It tells your BSs brain that you are still capable of hiding the truth and that is their worst nightmare.

It's the processing that is missing.

I'm not so sure ... I mean maybe but look at this through the raw reality of the grief process. Grief is never a straight line, and it doesn't follow a timeline. Right now, being technically only one month out from DDay 2, your husband is likely in the protective shock phase. His brain has temporarily shut down the "processing" factory just so he can survive the day. This quiet numbness is the process right now.

His profound tiredness is literal physiological burnout. His brain has been running on emergency cortisol for months, and it has finally hit a wall and the hardest truth to accept is that you cannot force a breakthrough right now.

I imagine he does want a break from it all. If he doesn't want to keep talking, give him the gift of silence. Let him rest. Let him set the emotional thermostat of the house. Use this current period to strengthen your own endurance and work on your own foundation.

All you can do is offer reassurance.

Sometimes our reassurance has to change to look different based on what our BS needs. When a BS is this exhausted, pulls away into silence, the natural instinct for a WS is to worry, BTDT. True reassurance is showing him that you can handle his distance while remaining calm and emotionally stable even when he is cold or checked out. It proves to him ... "I am strong enough to hold down the fort while you are drowning."

Reassurance can also look like anticipating his practical needs so he doesn't have to think. Eliminating his mental load when and where appropriately. Making simple daily decisions (like what to eat or how to handle a chore) can feel like climbing a mountain for him.

But brace yourself, because this quiet, flat loop is just one part of the track. The rollercoaster will hit a high intensity again. When the numbing fog eventually lifts, the rage, the heavy triggers, and the grief will loop back around. Right now, he is likely just trying to build up enough emotional reserve to handle the next drop. Your job isn't to fix the coaster, it's to make sure you are sturdy enough to sit next to him when it plunges.