SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Despite books and articles we've read, podcasts and videos listened to and watched, my WH keeps insisting that since he "stopped everything" that should be enough for me to forgive him and move on and everything between us should be fine now. He seems to not know what else to do despite all we've learned about repair, amends, reconciliation. And that "just stopping" isn't enough. He seems convinced just stopping is enough and doesn't know what else I want and seems to think all our problems and lack of ability to just get back to normal and have a happy relationship again are all my fault. Despite all we've learned he seems to not really believe betrayal trauma is real as he thinks all my feelings and behaviors, triggers, etc are all me just...I don't know...being mean and difficult and annoying on purpose or something? Like when I'm hurt and upset and confused I'm actually just being shitty on purpose to hurt him, not actually hurt and upset and experiencing a trauma response. I started therapy with a trauma informed therapist weeks ago, I keep asking him to go see someone too. So far he hasn't. He hasn't been doing much learning on his own about my side of things or actually fixing the relationship, most has been facilitated by me. He refuses to go back over any of the resources I've given or look on his own or talk to anyone. I keep saying yes he's stopped but there's so much more we need to do. Says he explained why things happened (blames all on childhood trauma, or says all was my fault for not being his perfect fantasy partner all the time, no accountability for any of his choices and actions, no care really for how all this hurt and affected me and our lives, seems to think a lot of things were entirely justified, and some things refused to change or even see why I'm upset about them, like some public evidence of things he's done). I'm at a complete loss. Fighting nearly nonstop for years. Crying almost everyday. Things between us just keep getting worse. He keeps treating me worse and caring about me less. And keeps telling me it's been years, he stopped "everything", so why am I still upset? Why haven't I got over it? Why don't I want to kiss and cuddle him and go back to normal and pretend this never happened. That "just stopping" should be enough and the fact that I haven't magically gotten over it after a few years means to him that I'm doing all this on purpose to hurt him (like when I'm triggered or ask questions or don't trust him or don't want to be intimate) and all of this is my fault. He wants me to just tell him what I want and what to do. I said we read and watched so many things that explained this, what I'm going through and what will help the relationship. All the betrayal trauma stuff describes my behavior exactly but he seems to refuse to believe I'm not just "being difficult on purpose to hurt him" and that I'm actually the problem and he basically did nothing wrong besides the behaviors he stopped and since he stopped I guess that means I'm no longer allowed to feel bad about them? He said no he stopped, if that wasn't good enough what's step 2? I told him to go back over things we've read and watched, resources I've shared, look on his own, talk to someone. He kept saying no I have to tell him what is step 2 and he'll do step 2. I told him part of the problem is I can't just tell you what to do and how to behave and then you do it, you have to actually grow and learn and change and take initiative and show me you actually care and understand. And I've already shared tons of resources with you. He just kept asking what I want, what's step 2? I don't know what else to say or what to do. Can anyone help? Relate? Advice? Anything?

It seems to me you're telling him what step 2 is, and he's choosing to not do it.

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I'm sorry for my short, abrupt post, but in a nutshell that's how it reads to me. You're telling him what you'd like to see, the he turns around and says "what do you want from me?" right?

You're asking that he take accountability and take the lead on what we generally call "doing the work." It's not a specific checklist of do action A, then action B, etc. It's a whole set of new behaviors demonstrating that he understands the trauma he inflicted on you and that he's working to be a safe partner who would never do it again.

I have a hard time believing he dove into all of the reading and videos on this subject and doesn't understand that betrayal trauma is real trauma. The general rule of thumb here is that it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity, and that's when both partners do the work and really want it to happen. I've seen that time table repeated by many licensed counselors as well. I've seen it described as worse than the death of a loved one, topped only by the loss of a child. PTSD symptoms are common. It's real trauma.

When was your d day? How long ago was it, and did you get the whole truth, or did he trickle truth you over time? Every new revelation is a new d day and resets the clock on your healing.

For him to minimize and play down what your going through is a red flag. Most of the literature and videos I've seen have all said that's a huge no-no. He shouldn't be doing that.

You've told him to go back over resources you've given or talk to anyone on his own, he refuses, the has the nerve to ask what you want him to do as if you haven't given him anything? If you had a friend telling you this same story, what would you think? What would you say to your friend?

Look, it's not necessarily all gloom and doom. Assuming he's being honest and has stopped all cheating that's a good start, but you need more than that, and he needs to take it seriously. A truly remorseful spouse is willing to do whatever it takes to fix what they broke. Does that describe your husband?

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, but this is a good group of folks who understand what you're going through. Check out some of the articles in the healing library. You can find it in one of the drop downs at the top. Check out the 180. It sounds like you might want to consider employing that if he's not willing to work with you. This deflecting and blaming you for not getting over it is a pretty big issue.

Stick around and keep posting. Ask any questions or even just vent if you need to. This is the place for it. Again, I'm so sorry you've found a need for a place like this, but most of us know and understand exactly what you're going through. Hang in there. More people will be along to add to your thread.

Sometimes R is for rugsweeping.

If your M or relationship is bad, the only one keeping you in it is you. If you aren't willing to lose it, you'll never repair.